The Indian man and his love affair with his boxers

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Not so long ago the Indian Aunty discovered an unhindered, unclasped and drawstringless existence in her nightie. In this stifling world of patriarchy that’s constantly trying to suffocate her with its custom-made list of do’s and don’ts and only-meant-for-her morality, she found liberation in this one piece wonder garment. She boldly turned it into a cool daywear that smelt mostly of sweat and spices.

What the Indian woman does today, her male counterpart thinks of tomorrow. Even as she was outgrowing her fascination for this tent-like apparel and switching over to no-nonsense tracks and tee, the Indian man went ahead and found boxers. True, the lungi discovered him much earlier. But a garment that parts willingly at the slightest hint of a gust or lust can have hazardous consequences for the beholder, especially female. Unlike the male that gets excited at the slightest show of limb and imagines the rest of the anatomy, the female is more horrified than filled with desire as she espies upon his lush Amazonian foliage on his limbs and upwards.

The boxer in its cottony soft splendour is its perfect substitute. It comes with cute fly buttons that do a fairly competent job of containing his excitement. Unlike boring trousers, boxers come in bold colours, graffiti, floral and cartoon prints that let him express his naughty side. Its dangerously short length ensures it keeps the beholder’s pulse racing. You never know which part of his appendage will pop out this time.

Understandably, he fell for it hook, line and sinker and like his female counterpart set out to conquer the world in it. While mankind elsewhere continues to wear it as a roomy undergarment, the Bhartiya bhaisahab has turned it into a versatile pair of shorts that can fit into any role he wants. One day it’s a cool gym wear as he huffs and puffs on the treadmill in it. Never mind the incredulous look a certain lady named Purba running on the machine next to him continues to give. Perhaps he mistakes it for adoration. Ever since he was a baby boy his mother made him believe he was the best thing to have happened to womankind. And mothers are always right.

As he prowls around the gym constantly checking out his imaginary biceps and rotund belly, he realises the boxers need to travel more of the world with him. He turns it into resort wear, evening by the pool wear, ‘let me have breakfast in it at a public place’ wear. He knows his good looks and charms can turn even an ordinary chaddi into a fashion statement.

Don’t know why Adidas, Nike and their ilk spend millions on Climacool technology. The Indian man doesn’t need any technology sheknology. He can keep his cool in his boxers. No wonder he’s not scared of global warming. He’s ready to face it in his chaddis.

Once you’ve experienced its comfort you’ll know why he refuses to part with it. Like the elusive true love he has always dreamt of, his boxer is accommodating, always at his bidding, and accompanies him wherever he wants without a murmur of protest. Its love is unconditional regardless of his expanding girth, shrinking memory and cluelessness about ‘you don’t love me anymore’ outbursts. It definitely gives him more space than his relationship. What’s more, he can lovingly caress his posterior and scratch his interiors without hindrance.

Too bad he can’t wear it to office.

It has yet to occur to him that gambolling in public spaces in your underwear is highly ‘inappropriate’. And doesn’t the term ‘inappropriate clothing’ apply only to women! Ever since the dawn of humanity, womankind has been entrusted with the responsibility for men’s behaviour by mankind. So, when a man misbehaves with her, it’s obviously her fault. Especially when she’s attired skimpily. A woman who looks and dresses sexy is invariably looking for attention. When men, unable to control their excitement, leer and lunge at her, grab her butt and sometimes more, she obviously enjoys it. This is how the civilized male appreciates beauty and only a demented woman will reject his advances.

So, a man in his boxers is doing his bit for equality by dressing skimpily. Dear women, he’s begging for your attention. He wants you to appreciate him the way he appreciates your beauty and expects you to treat him like an object.

Unfortunately for us, try as we might, we are unable to return the favour. The specimens in boxers that really make our inner goddess do a salsa usually know what to wear and where. It’s a terrible tragedy for womankind that they are not around for public viewing. Unless you are their bai or partner who cohabits with him, there’s no way you can gaze longingly at his limbs and drool a bit for added effect.

The ones that wear boxers at the gym, pair knee-length socks with capris are gorgeous, handsome hunks but only according to their Moms. They are as sartorially challenged as they are lacking in the looks department. The only way you can appreciate them is by looking for their inner beauty.

No wonder an underwear brand’s tagline is ‘yeh andar ki baat’ hai. Rupa gave up on outer beauty long time back.