How to be a true Patriot

Also published here 

Image courtesy - Hinduphobe Purba Ray

With the advent of the great leader who can do no wrong but is always wronged, India’s timeline can now be divided into BAD (before acche din) days and SAD (super achhe din) days. During BAD days being a patriot was like being a blogger. Anybody could be one as long as you were Indian. It helped if you loved almost all things Indian, swore by Bollywood, supported the Indian cricket team by heckling Pakistani cricketers on field, looked for Indian restaurants (usually called Taj Mahal) when on a foreign trip and not complain when you ended up with diarrhoea the next day. Since we were governed by a corrupt dynasty, it was perfectly okay to fret about the country’s future which seemed to be wandering aimlessly like a cow in the city. We’d often critique the lawmakers who’d break laws with impunity and crack a few jokes at their expense even if it meant going to jail. 

Despite all misgivings, candle marches and angry Facebook posts against all that we felt was wrong with our country, we could take her love for granted. It was a ‘tedha hai paar mera hai’ kind of love.

Not anymore. Now that our great leader has banished all evil with a flick of his finger and even taken selfies while doing it, we are living the SAD days. This is the golden era where everyone’s tolerant towards each other and their beliefs, debate is actively encouraged and we can express what we feel without getting lynched by trolls online. Yet, there’s a section of ungrateful citizens who think otherwise. They create controversies by finding faults in our faultless leaders, return awards that nobody’s heard of and write scathing articles questioning our elected, to spread dissent.

This cannot be tolerated, especially by proud Indians.

So, they have decided to take matter into their own capable hands and made patriotism the new Maggi. Like Maggi, patriotism has to pass stringent quality tests, but can still be declared suspect at the slightest slight that can be imagined as insulting to Mata B. The MSG is clear, Mata’s affection cannot be taken for granted. It now comes with terms and conditions. We have to prove our love again and again to not one but a rising number of hyper-nationalists who are crawling out like termites from woodwork.

Mata is now behaving like a bombshell who demands unquestioning devotion while you place her on the pedestal and worship her. Like any complete package, if you adore her, it is your duty to pay obeisance to her Daddies in saffron and her many pets who spend an awful lot of time barking. Dare you have reservations against her many Daddies, you are obviously a moronic Hinduphobe traitor.

Beam them to Pakistan, Scottie! Or is it Satyaveer now?

When it comes to expressing their heartfelt emotions, Mata enthusiasts are constantly breaking new ground. After all, how can the nation accept you if are not shouting from the rooftops, mouthing over the top declarations that border on jingoism, thumping your chest wildly and refusing to accept any point of view but yours? There can be no room for moderation. You can either be her ‘righteous’ defender, else you are an anti-national. It’s either BMKJ (Bharat Mata Ki Jai) or Off With Your Head. Ouch!

What’s more, you may be an anti-national and not be even aware of it. To add to your woes, there’s no compilation of anti-national activities in one helpful list that dutiful citizens can consult from time to time. The list keeps growing like Modi jee’s travel itinerary and any proud Indian is free to add their favourite activity to it. One day it’s being a secular, free-thinking, pseudo intellectual and the next day it’s Dalit students, Left intellectuals, human rights activists and before you can say hey Ram, its’ beef eating, anti-nuclear activists, non-haters of Pakistan. Phew! Why, just the other day doctors prescribing non ayurvedic medicine were declared anti-nationals by AYUSH minister Shripad Yesso Naik!

Interestingly, these missives come with riders. Eating cornflakes and noodles is anti-national until it is from Patanjali, a 100% patriotic business empire. Having sex is against our culture but not if you’re following Sakshi Maharaj’s directive and copulating for the purpose for reproducing a minimum of 4 Hindu babies. If the baby threatens to be a girl, Baba Ramdev’s herbs will make a penis grow magically. If the baby boy shows unhealthy interest in other baby boys, Baba Ramdev’s asanas will tie him up in knots till he begs for forgiveness. Your bank will strip you of all your belongings and send goons to your house if you fail to repay your modest loans on time. But you are allowed to strip the bank of all its funds with humongous loans if you have the right connections. Appropriating public funds for personal gain is an acceptable patriotic activity as long as the high priests of Mata B turn a blind eye.

Even as I am writing this blasphemous article, three more activities have just been added and you are not even aware of it. Distressing isn’t it, trying so hard to be a true patriot and failing again and again. It’s just like sitting for CA exams! Don’t we all want to be part of the PELT (Patriotic Elite) club who are allowed to issue as many diktats but follow none of them!

The government understands it is difficult to keep yourself constantly updated to be a 100% certified patriot and has decided to address your concerns by introducing the BMJK app. Once you install this helpful app, you will keep getting notifications for every new anti-national activity. The app also has the reward feature. Swabbing your floor with gomutra, supporting Anupam Kher in whatever and whoever he’s protesting against, abusing paid media online, beating up traitors as you scream BMKJ will earn you 500 reward points each. If you cut gobar cake on your birthday, you will get a bonus of 1500 points. If your cow has participated in a bovine beauty pageant, you will get direct entry into the PELT club. As you earn more reward points, you’ll start noticing subtle changes in your countenance. Your heart will start feeling heavier with nationalistic pride and righteousness. Your shoulders might start to stoop a little because you’re now bearing the burden of being the sole protector of your Mata’s pride. You might find yourself drawn to Patiala House by some invisible force.

You will know you have turned into a true patriot once you start deciding what’s best for others and dictate what they should be eating, reading, thinking and speaking, while furiously brandishing the BMKJ sword.

In these SAD times, the sword is mightier than the pen.