India’s Bai-lateral relationship with US – It’s complicated!

The arrest of Devyani Gobarkhate over claims that she had lied on a visa form for her domestic help, lead to the bai-lateral relationship between US and India hitting an all-time low. After she was publicly handcuffed, strip-searched, kept in a cell with drug addicts like this Al-Qa’da terrorist who had come to have a blast in the US, India, instead of its usual stance of condemning an act and forgetting all about it in a couple of days, retaliated fiercely.

In a rare show of maturity and unbridled bravado, security barriers outside the US embassy in New Delhi were removed and US diplomats and their families were denied special privileges. In short, they are now subjected to the common man treatment. “We will deal with them exactly the same way they we deal with the citizens of our country – pretend they don't exist” – said Rabies Shanker Prasad, leader of the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party.

In a shocking development, when a US diplomat lost his way in Delhi fog and mistakenly overtook Robot Vadra’s cavalcade – the country’s most important son-in-law – he was promptly strip- searched and made to spend the night outside the police station in freezing cold. He is now recovering from pneumonia at Ram Manohar Lohia hospital, where attendants only communicate in Hindi.

Political leaders from both the ruling and opposition parties said bai-bai to an American congressional delegation visiting Delhi instead of meeting them. US-visa-reject and BJP’s candidate for Prime Minister, Narendra Moody, announced that the Patel Motel Association of USA will admit only those guests who can sing Falguni Pathak hits. Indian run 7-11 stores will henceforth be closing by 5 to protest Ms Gobarkhate’s shabby treatment.

India, that has too often been dismissed as a toothless crone that protests noisily but seldom bites, took the United States aback with this rare show of fangs.

India stepped up the pressure last week ahead of the Jan 13 court appearance where Ms Gobarkhate could be indicted: it ordered the US embassy in Delhi to serve only chicken tikka masala pizza, aloo burger and paneer makhni hotdogs to American expatriates. In yet another crafty move, calls from irate passengers dying to let off steam at airline staff for fog-cancelled flights were redirected to the American embassy.

It had the desired effect, Ms Gobarkhade was promptly indicted and sent back to India with diplomatic immunity.

United States’ limitless tolerance for Pakistan's backyard terrorism and zero tolerance towards imbeciles who treat their maids like we do in India is well known. When International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in New York City on charges of sexually assaulting a hotel maid, he was marched into the police precinct in handcuffs before an assembled bank of photographers with only his wife and Shiney Ahuja as his pillars of support.

Image courtesy - Twitter.com

Worldwide Association of Maids (WAM) has hailed the US of A as the only nation that realizes their true worth. Indian maids are now threatening to run off to Amrika every time their memsahib rebukes them for clanging utensils too loudly while washing them. Parents are petrified that their Einsteins-in-making might ditch their IIT JEE classes in favour of nannyship that pays upwards of 4.5 grand in US dollars. Stay at home, hands on Moms have discovered a new found respect for themselves. After it emerged that that US embassy paid for Sangeeta Richard’s family’s air-tickets to New York even before she complained of being underpaid, many Indians whose visas had been previously rejected are now reapplying as maids.

Impressed with America’s show of solidarity with the repressed and under-privileged AAM aurat, Arvind Kejriwal has magnanimously offered them the use of Jhadoo as their new national emblem.

Meanwhile, Uttam Gobarkhate, Devyani’s father has hailed her as an “Aadarsh” nari fighting to save India’s sovereignty. Devyani in turn has lauded him as an Aadarsh dad for threatening to have her maid's family abducted and to frame them on false drug charges. She has urged other fellow Indians and supporters to celebrate everyday as Her Father’s Day for the rest of 2014.

Expressing bitter disappointment at Ms Gobarkhate’s indictment, India said that its ties with US are now like potholes on Delhi roads and will take forever to repair. “We were expecting a clean chit for Devyani like we gave her in the Aadarsh scam case but US has made it clear to the rest of the world that it prefers maids to diplomats.”, said Salmom Khurshid's secretary. The Minister of External Affairs, in Las Vegas to study their drainage system, was unavailable for comment.

In yet another blow to the US, India expelled an American diplomat of a similar rank as Devyani. It is now considering moving the American embassy from Shantipath to Geeta Colony, right next to Billoo’s herbal parlour offering aunty pimple, aunty scare, aunty rinkle treatments. Salmom Khurshid’s office clarified that these measures are not hostile but an arrangement based of reciprocity.

Let this be a lesson to other countries - you treat us like shit and we'll treat you like bullshit! Dare mess with India and we will replace alcohol in bottles you import with drinking water and make you watch DD Sports and DD Live for the rest of your stay.

It is learnt that once Devyani Gobarkhade takes up Samajwadi Party’s offer of a Lok Sabha seat, instead of protesting and walking out of the assembly like the rest of her colleagues, she will write her memoir tentatively titled ‘The Bai who screwed me’. A-Musing has already been contacted to write a favourable review of her yet to be published book.