Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The News Just Got Spicier

In an amusing take on the Indian dream, a 60 year old school dropout from Andhra Pradesh has demonstrated that you do not need prestigious degrees to bag big deals. Devadass Reddy has effortlessly duped giant corporations and well-heeled professionals into buying the Bay of Bengal and its shoreline. Apart from the Sea, he has also managed to sell river beds and canals. Reddy even duped Indian Oil Corporation into buying 166 acres of sea water from him. Yet another example of recklessness with which Public Sector companies gamble with the tax payer’s money.

Pakistan on the other hand is not so amused. Our unfriendly neighbor has notched up an unenviable first place for porn searches per person across the world. According to a Fox news report, Pakistan – the land of pure, tops in searches for “horse sex”, “donkey sex”, “dog sex”, “camel sex”. Actually the list is quite gory but I couldn’t make myself type the entire list. Are men in Pakistan misconstruing the term “wild-sex”? Someone needs to enlighten them ASAP before they end up featuring in some more embarrassing lists.

But someone is wasting all his energy on the right places. Omar Bin Laden, progeny of the infamous Al Qaeda chief is managing to grab the headlines for all the wrong reasons, much like his illustrious Dad. At 29, he already has two wives behind him and has revealed that he now wants to date Drew Barrymore, the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. Just last month, while he was still married to his current flame, a 54 year old psychoanalyst, he had announced that if he has a daughter he will name her Elizabeth, after the Queen of England. The queen received this news with much jubilation and a few hours later, was caught speeding her Jaguar without her seat belt on.

A newly launched website “I write like” claims it can find your inner author. All you have to do is paste a few paragraphs of your writing and you get instant verdict, telling you that you write like Bill Bryson, Jane Austen, Steig Larrson. The New York Times tried putting actual novels such as Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick”. Turns out the dear departed author writes less like himself and more like Stephen King.

Sarah Palin on the other hand is convinced that she writes like Shakespeare and doesn’t need a fuddy duddy site to tell her that. Her recent tweet that “urged peaceful Muslims to please refudiate the idea” kicked up a storm, with media scribes searching high and low for the meaning of this “exciting new” word. She later justified her Freudian slip with a “like Shakespeare, I too can coin words”. 400 years later, the bard finally seems to be facing some real competition.

Me, I’m not too keen to discover the inner author in me. I’ll continue posting gibberish on my blog and continue nurturing my allusions to grandeur. I also intend to hone my entrepreneurial skills. I’m selling Yamuna muck at a whopping 50% discount. Any takers???


  1. that sure was a great collection of funnies garnished with your zany comments!!
    the politicians will soon start bidding for the muck since lot of mud slinging in progress already!

  2. Apparently, I write prose like Dan Brown and poetry like a number of different people, including Arthur C. Clarke and James Joyce (i write like can't figure out who to stick to).
    And don't offer the Yamuna muck to BP or DOW. Everyone else is good. I don't like the historical facts here!

  3. That was one hell of sarcastic humor! Loved the Elizabeth one. Superb timing.

  4. I refudiate your claim that Palin is like Shakespeare!

    You know - the number of times this word has already been used, it might just well become an actual word. Then where will we be? The Palin woman will point at us and have the last laugh!

  5. Well your article has made me so happy.I will sleep with sweet dreams in company. Yeah some people are quite amazing in selling anything on the planet, with their tongue. Infact, you know some people have sold land in moon. Keep posting interesting incidents and news. :)

  6. Amusing Purba! You just made my day! :)

  7. Brilliant ... is this post not supposed to be titled ... more spice from Jhalmuri Times. Me feels it should be a weekly release. Sarah Palin is capable of doing anything. She almost became the President of the country which finds Lindsay Lohan's imprisonment and Mel Gibson's rant important enought to feature in the first five minutes of national news. Loved it.Kasam se. (Mithun Da style)

  8. Wow!! Made for fun and humorous read!! :)
    LOL at the Pakistanis!! :D
    Selling Yamuna muck will be a great thing, coz we need lots of it in mudslinging!! :P
    Cheers :)

  9. magiceye..That will be some news, our netas bidding for muck.

    D2...OMG you have tried that application?

    Thank you Aditya

    Bhagwad Jal Park...Bushisms pale in contrast to Palinisms.

  10. Nithin..Intend to make Jhalmuri times a weekly. But a lot depends on our news makers.

    Somanjana..Glad I did

    LEB...Got stuck, changed the title again. And Mithun Da's moves?

    Shilpa...Yea mucky business always has takers.

  11. Another top post from you. I fear I have become a regular reader of this blog.

  12. Yes, I would buy Yamuna muck, if you tell me a convincing bizarre use!
    Great post.

  13. I would like to have the muck delivered to parliament house, where it is in great short supply...my check is in the mail..
    as for my writing style, it says my style will grow up to be like that famous bloggger from delhi who writes A-musing pieces..

    psss...anybody interested in a gret piece of land in Jharkand...great view of Dhonis house..send only 20000 rupees to book..

  14. Why fear Prateek? Am I that scary?

    Vyasa..Hit and throw every time your local MLA promises you the moon.

    Menon..Are you banishing me to Jharkhand? And Dhoni is definitely not my type.

    And thank you, flattered :))

  15. wonderful motley of humorous takes from life as we are seeing it lately:)

    Loved the piece on Melville writing more like Stephen King than himself:)

  16. You should pitch this concept of Jhalmuri Times to Prannoy Roy so that he can set it up against The Week That Wasn't. No kidding.

  17. Very amusing news items. You have a good collection here.

  18. Think I will call you CK...Horrible no?

    Kaushik...Dunnow about that.

    Rajesh..Thank you

  19. Indeed I did. That application is hilarious. It thinks Robert Ludlum writes more like James Joyce!

  20. Loved it.. specially the mild sarcasm..

  21. Oops sorry.. that anonymous is me.. :D

  22. Hi purba!

    Are men in Pakistan misconstruing the term “wild-sex”? good one!

    and u got a great business idea, sell off the yamuna muck!


  23. brilliant absolutely!!
    loved it! :D

  24. You should have your own weekly-round-up column in ToI

    Btw, how can you be so sure that it's the "men in Pornistan"? It may well be the women

    Jhalmuri Times totally rocks :-)

  25. D2... Now I have to try this application.

    Sadhogopal Ram..Gotcha..thanks:))

    Tanu...The Yamuna muck, CWG rubble, potholes....oh there's lots to sell.

  26. Pooja...Glad you found it funny for all the right reasons

    Raja...Yea, what a sexist assumption.
    Yay to Jhalmuri Times.

  27. I enjoy any dig at Pakis,enjoy any and every time some one pulls paki legs.

  28. Hilarious, as usual.

    These Andhra Reddys are extremely cunning businessmen. Police need to check whether Amitabh Bachchan has bought some acres of Bay of Bengal from him. Big B, the farmer, was hunting for land across the country. I think we caught this guy too soon. The farming trend in Bollywood is only picking up, a year or so down the line, the entire Bay of Bengal would have been sold out. Now I think actors like Sharuk Khan would be forced to abandon the idea of buying lands, instead they would focus on cow herding.

    Pakistan has become Pornistan, isn't it?

  29. BK Chowla...Oh, is that?

    Joshi... I so wanted to use the term Pornistan, but refrained. And Big B is simply securing his future. He doesn't hope much from Baby B.

  30. At least one thing which Pakistan can be proud of!
    And yes, I tried to know about my writing style and with the same text tried thrice and all the three times got names of three different authors!
    That the height of .....!

  31. nice post .. funny, ironic, mocking and sarcastic all at the same time.

    Besides are you not being too biased by blaming only 'men in Pakistan'?

  32. Horse sex, Camel sex...Wow! That's too wild. :P and I'm gonna check whether I write like Shakespeare or Tolkien. :D By the way, nice one. Hilarious! :D

  33. S.R.Ayyangar...It maybe a foolworthy application but it's a hit :D

    Nishu..Agreed, should have said "Are people in Pakistan"

    Nethra...Thanks sweetheart :))

  34. You could say that the muck has 'fairness' properties...the whole of India will rush for it!

  35. Haha..Shakespeare thingy is too good.. :) Sarah palin?? Never mind !!!

  36. Nalini....ROFL

    Priyanka...Yes the entertaining Ms Palin

  37. shit man!! i really need to read newspapers!!

  38. And what's stopping you?

  39. All those who have been searching for 'dog sex', 'camel sex' etc might want to buy a 'chullu' of Yamuna muck (at discounted price) to drown into.

    I think Sarah Palin belongs a few centuries before Shakespeare, her place is with the caveman - they can kill wild animals together - though that's going to make the searches for wild-sex tougher for the men from land of the pure.

    @ Bhagwad - I managed to say this without using the word Ms Palin almost created.

  40. IHM...Did you know Sarah Palin enjoys quite a following among white evangelical women. To them she is almost a saint,preaching God, flag and family.

  41. I saw videos with her spilling her pearls of wisdom - she thinks it's okay to hunt (and make a sport of ) killing Moose. Her faith in God matches her compassion.

    She thinks creationism (I had never heard of it before) should be taught in schools - in place of the theory of evolution. I am surprised our BJP has not yet invited her to India - they have a lot in common.

    Well, maybe they have heard this one and even they couldn't digest it -

    She thinks rape victims should not be allowed to have abortions.

  42. BJP and Ms Palin with their antiquated mindset, will be a match made in heaven (Hundutva meets Catholicism).

    Ironically she describes herself as a feminist.


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