Thursday, July 15, 2010

Jhalmuri Times – Definitely Not Breaking News

Delhi with its dug up roads, constant power outages and rising crime rates coupled with an apathetic administration offers very little to cheer about to its grumbling citizens. Yet Delhizens find bizarre ways to indulge themselves. The last few weeks, the capital was enthralled by the Vuvuzela buzz – yes, the one that sounds like supersonic bees in a blender and makes you wish you were deaf. And now it’s the humble Octopus that has caught their fancy. No, not to eat it (Dilliwalas love their butter chicken far too much) but to keep one as a pet! The eight legged wonder has outlived its world cup euphoria and pet shops in Delhi are now flooded with enquiries about the mollusc as a pet. The octopus is apparently a highly intelligent creature and has a complex nervous system. Does it now mean Babas will soon be going out of business? After all who needs a baba when you have your personal octo-baba!

Delhi’s police on the other hand are taking a breather from tackling crime and addressing the issue of water conservation rather seriously. No, they have not stopped taking their bath in a bid to save water but are spending sleepless nights over a missing tap. And this is no ordinary tap but a VIP tap belonging Bhakta Charan Das, a Lok Sabha MP. Two persons have already been taken into custody and booked under an array of befuddling sections (380, 422 and 34 to be precise). Tapping into crime has never been easy.

Our netas maybe objects of ridicule for most of us, but are much in demand for their gyaan in foreign universities. First it was our very own scam tainted, Lalu Prasad Yadav delivering lectures at the MIT, Harvard and Wharton Business schools. Now it’s our Didi from Oest Bengal, Mamata Banerjee who has been invited by Cambridge to delibhaar a lecture on her political struggle at Nandigram. Saying Tata to Tata Da is paying rich dividends, it seems. But I do have a pertinent query- who will showcase the struggle of her hapless audience? After all, bhaat Didi speaks, only the brave can comprehend!

And next time when someone tries to bug you with a “what came first, the chicken or the egg?” you can give them a research backed response. A team from University of Sheffield and University of Warwick has cracked this greatest mystery that has tormented us for ages and discovered, it is the chicken that came first. Did people actually believe there could be an egg without the Mom?

Scientists in Japan not wanting to be left behind have made an innovation that will revolutionize lifestyle across Asia or so they think – the world’s first rice cooker that can turn grains of rice into a loaf of bread in mere four hours. This comes close on the heels of Triumph’s path breaking grow-your-own-rice bra.

Just a peek into the future – You get back home, after attending a lecture by Bhakta Charan Das on water conservation and importance of taps at the Oxford University, you are starving and take out a fresh batch of rice from you know where, pour it in the magical GOPAN rice cooker and while you wait for your rice to turn to bread you engage your octo-pet in a game of Sudoku. Our future is rosy indeed.


  1. They cracked the egg-chicken mystery already? And seriously due to Paul, we have people believing invertebrates without a brain can think of the future... The peek into the future was a perfect ending I must say to an A-musing weekly roundup.

  2. loved the way you wove all the anecdotes into a beautiful yarn in the end!! lovely!

  3. wait.. Paul didn't crack the egg-chicken mystery? and anyways as far as I am concerned, the chicken was laid (by rooster) first and then came the not much of a surprise!
    And we men aren't ever going to go hungry in the future. Rosy indeed! ROFL..

  4. Well because you brought up the widely debated topic of who came first question here are some views

    Shakespeare's answer:
    To come or not to come, that is the question.

    Georges W Bush's answer:
    U asked a question, and i will answer if u don't mind... u most understand that i'm a war president who promotes peace and freedom... listen no one cares about chicken and eggs more than i do, but what i'm telling u is that it's gonna require big security measures and we r working on security measures... what u should be angry about is that there was a brutal dictator there in iraq that had destroyed lives and put them in mass graves and had weapons of mass destruction, he posed a threat that the united nations voted unanimously for me to promote democraty in the world... this is why i'm going to slaughter all the chicken and smash all the eggs so that both the chiken and eggs be able to live in peace and freedom in the new democratic world...

    Neil Armstrong's answer:
    What do you mean by that question? Of course I came first... and the whole world knows about it. It was the Apolo 11 mission in 1969!

    Jean Paul II's answer:
    Ah...for this question I will leave God to answer it.

    Gandhi's answer:
    Whichever came first, both must have come peacefully.

  5. Classic pun Purba !!You created a Larry David-ish effect by bringing all your events to a seemingly meaningful closure.Bravo!!

  6. The Analyst..All this happened and got reported in a span of 24 hours. Intend to make it a regular feature.

    magiceye.. Spinning a yarn was one of the contests I used to organize.

    whtsupdoc..Paul needs a breather! need to post it ASAP.

    LEB...Oh no, it's full full Desi

  7. Pretty interesting prediction of the future. I hope it was not Paul who did it for you.
    Octopus is quite tasty if cooked properly. So, me thinks, instead of playing Sudoku I would be marinating it. You don't get to eat 8 leg pieces everyday, do you?
    The para about Didi was the best or bestest as Didi bould say.
    Quite an amusing article. :)

  8. Oh yet another invention!!.

    Gopan! Sounds like some mallu scientist in Japan has invented this. A typical malayalee name. But wait..are you sure this cooker only turns rice grains into bread, and not 'benana'?

    Hilarious as usual.

  9. Well, nice piece of writing once again.Yeah , i was amused when management experts proclaimed laloo prasad yadav to be a genius.Lol, his predecessors did a lot of work and he reaped the benefits and he got the credits. Well, nandigram is a serious issue that has brought out the secondary thought on land takeovers for industries. At the end of the day, land of common people are taken away, not from rich people. When will this country grow up into a civilized one?

  10. Prateek...Make mincemeat of a sweet, intelligent creature! You wouldn't do that, would you?

    Joshi...The Japs have lost it.

    Nithin...But Mamata Banerjee showcasing the Nandigram issue? She urgently needs a translator or god help her audience.

  11. ROFL...I can't stop smiling at each 'news article'...wonder if I'll see an octopus tank in someone's house in Delhi when I visit next?:)Or,maybe they'll keep one at each railway station, so that it can predict whether a train will arrive at the right time..:)

  12. I ate for paul lunch at Penang after he predicted that Germany would lose. His brother new better when the the third place match came up

  13. ROFL...what a take on our beloved didi :P bechare audience :P
    octopus as pet!!! plzzzz
    indeed a rosy future :P

  14. You are a great writer and you seem to follow Delhi's crazy ones regularly

  15. AmitL..What a brill idea, an Octopus tank at the railway station!You need to send this proposal to Didi ASAP :)

    Kalyan..I protest(very very loudly). Leave the Octopus alone(to the tune of "Leave the kids alone, we don't need no education")

    Rajlakshmi... Nothing is impossible. Our future is grim indeed.


    BK Chowla...Delhi inspires the writer in us :) And thank you.

  16. Hi Purba,

    Nice blog. We the born morons admire your wit.


  17. Bet me, by next ICC world cup how many octopus paul are going to flourish in this country. The worst part was that in one of the news channels, I think it was cnn ibn in the 9 o clock news they showed a parrot pick a card for predicting the world cup winner, how sensible our Indian media is? Media houses want money by hook or crook they dont bother about the quality of news they spread. Hmmm and as usual your post was "A-musing" Thanks for sharing :)

  18. Amit C ..The realization dawned in rather early :P

    Anto..Yea Mani the Parrot. Well it sure breaks the boredom of watching markets crash and worrying incessantly about the BP oil spill.

  19. Octo Paul surely is not enjoying all the media attention. Poor animal! and now poor animals if people are buying personal octo-babas.

    By the way, we can't say whether it's egg or the hen that came first because it's a cycle. Circle doesn't start and end.

  20. well if channels like Aajtak will have prime time special on Paul Baba and his predictions what do you expect from the Diliwalas?

    Do you know the channels are now contemplating astro programmes with the exotic sea creature? ;)

    PS: glad to see the term Delhizen is catching up :) :)

  21. Response to your by the way Nethra
    "Scientists cracked the puzzle after discovering that the formation of eggs is possible only thanks to a protein found in chicken's ovaries. That means eggs have to be formed in chickens first"

    Pallavi..Got bored of Delhites :))

  22. Interesting to read that octopus is fast becoming pet...wonder what will happen to dogs?? we can expect more dogs on the street for they will be homeless and drove out of their residence like many people in America...Stock market may reach new highs though.


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