Secret Diary of a Selfie Enthusiast

 

Image courtesy - socialnewsdaily.com

Whenever I get bored of staring at myself in the mirror, I point and shoot myself. With my phone, that is. My phone is my sweetie pie <3 <3 xoxoxoxo, my bestest bestie. It’s like, she’s never mean to me and super sweet, unlike those bitches who pretend to be my friends. Unlike you losers, I have a reputation to maintain for Sanju, Majnu, Rocky, Lauki and Dillu, my biggest fans. Even before I upload my pics on Instagram (Facebook is so last century, duh!), they flood comments section with so much praising like – your so hawt, waaao, *seeti seeti*, your beauty is the reason for my living etc etc, EVERY SINGLE TIME! It feels so awesome to know that I’m the sole reason for their happiness and I never ever let myself forget that. So, even when I’m sick, dying, coughing, barfing, buying a new dress or feeling sad :-( blessed, naughty and sexy(giggle giggle) – I pucker, pout, look with feeling at the shower head, tilt my head sexily and click. It’s like, I’m always discovering new sides to my popular personality by clicking selfies from different angles.

You know what, some days, I feel like Mother Teresa. Like her sexier version, spreading cheer among losers with my awesomeness. …. And if I can heal the world with my selfies, why not! I think one of these days I’ll cover my lovely head with a white and blue scarf, just like that wrinkly Teresa lady and show my kindness side to my fans and followers. I’ll use one of those cool filters and give it a saintly glow.

A picture is ways more powerful than a bunch of meaningless words, especially when it gets a thousand likes. Yea, I am selfless and I know it. 

OMG! Imagine when my teachers, Mumma and Papa see my Teresa style selfies. They’ll finally know how seriously I take myself and then they can chillax forever.
 
Nothing has lasting value but the selfie.

Mumma says, the only time my phone is away from me is when I hold it at an arm’s length to click my selfie. Whateverrr! You should have seen her getting on my nerves when we went for a vacation to Langkawi. She was soo pissed off that I didn’t take my eyes off my phone even once to soak in the beautiful sights. Ummm….I did, through my phone, all of it as background to the 233 selfies I clicked of myself.

Self-photography is my passion. What does she know!

The thing is, I’ve always been a girl with a mind of her own. You know the lone wolf types, just like Hugh Jackman in Wolverine? Why stress others when I can stress myself clicking my pix, like all the time! Mumma is worried that if the house catches fire, I might like die because I’ll be too busy clicking how distressed I am looking and uploading it. Umm...I think, for once she’s right. Why be alive if I can’t share every microsecond of my life with people I barely know?

Yea I know, I am not always this awesome. Like the time I uploaded my close-up, and that skank commented on my nostril hair and it got only 27 likes :-( I went like fucking insane refreshing my page again and again, wondering why nobody loves me anymore. Yea, I was pretty upset. Or the time I was feeling super sexy and trying to pout like Auntie Jolie and that bitch Red Handed wrote quack-quack in the comments. I cried so much that my eyes were looking like Irrfan Khan’s. So I clicked another selfie and it got 124 likes. That was such a cool way to get back at that jealous hag! Ha!

I think selfies are the best thing to have happened to humanity after Justin Bieber. My heart bleeds for dogs and cats who are deprived of this joy. So, I go around my locality clicking their pics. This is the least I can do for these poor souls.

Wherever I go, I see Uncles and Aunties and their bacchas grinning at their phones and clicking their own pics. They look so happy, Yaa! Total ignoring each others' existence. The other day, one of Mumma’s friend, Purba Aunty posted her duckface pic on FB. It was so eww that I couldn’t eat for half a day. The good thing is I lost 345 grams. Yayyyy.

Actually, I don’t blame all poor souls.

Selfies may seem like 9 minutes ago, but really they are a way of life. You can’t destroy life. Well, I guess you can by dying or whatevs but you get my point! In fact, it has become so huge that a dictionary that starts with O was forced to include it. Even Auntie Ellen agrees. Look what she did on Oscar night when she clicked her selfie with Hollywood biggies and unleashed a selfie tsunami. It was like insane!

Since a groupie selfie is the new supercool, I’m now forced to latch on to friends and pretend to like them as I click all of us together to tell everyone who doesn’t care what a good time I’m having.

Umm...actually, I don’t have any friends anymore. They were like so jealous of my popularity that they refused to like my pics even when I asked them. I unfriended all of them.

Dearest Diary, thank you for being such a great listener. But right now I’m experiencing a strange twitching of my facial muscles. Gawd! I’m feeling so weird.

OMG, now I know what it is! It’s been over 30 minutes since I clicked my selfie. How could I be so stupid! I will never forgive myself! But yea, before I sigh off lemme tell you this big secret of mine. I’m planning to write a 10 page book titled – Selfie Helpie. Eeeeeeeee. I’m sooo excited.

Gotta run! See yaaaaaaaa!