An Idiots Guide to How to Compliment a Woman Without Offending Her

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Certain men seem to be under the impression that they are in charge of a woman’s self-worth, and not without reason. Since the time they sprouted facial hair, they have been told a woman squeezes herself in asthma inducing dresses, totters in high-heels and spends hours prettying herself only for his attention. As a true gentleman it is his duty to reward her for all her efforts by looking intently at her cleavage and mumble ‘you are hot’, while scratching his scrotum.

What puzzles him is, instead of rolling over with gratitude and bounding towards him with her tongue hanging out, she has the temerity to walk in the opposite direction.

Ungrateful bitch!

Seriously, do these creatures even know what they want? He can recount countless instances where he tried to appreciate her legs in those teeny-weeny shorts and dresses she wears by leering at them. Once he even dropped a few drops of drool on her thighs. The confused muddle-head shrieked in horror and slapped him hard instead!

Of course he was butt hurt. He immediately put on Attaullah Khan's classic, achha silaa diya tune mere pyaar ka and asked himself again and again, tears rolling down his cheeks - isn’t this the sole purpose of wearing cleavage revealing, thigh baring and curve flaunting dresses?

He ran to the nearest temple, hung from the bell and demanded to know from God in his most pain-stricken voice, why are women like this? God as usual gave him the silent treatment.

Do you think even God is a woman? Hey Bhagwan!

Not the one to give up so easily and also because his virginity depended on it, he tried to take the sophisticated path. It was a busy weekend when he spotted a very shapely posterior at the pub. He walked up to it and said – Girl, are you polio? Coz you’re making my legs weak. She laughed like a hyena and rolled her eyes like windshield wipers. Goddammit! He then went to the dance floor and stared soulfully at the women dancing. He almost dropped his pitcher of beer when he saw a mature type lady smile at him. He immediately ran up to her and started doing his Dharmendra type moves. To show his thoughtful side, he even offered to drop her home, even though she was in no mood to go back. When she refused, he asked all the other ladies at the pub if he could drop them safely at home, because zamana is so kharab, I tell you!

Shaandaar is 28, still a virgin. And has very little time left to lose it. His Mom is busy looking for a girl who doesn’t go to malls to be his bride.

What baffles Shaandaar is these girls who treat him like he’s some sort of infection, do khi khi with other boys. They are not even half as good-looking as he is. What do they have that he doesn’t? He has biceps, triceps, fair and handsome looks, his Dad gifted Audi, couple of kothis in Gurgaon and Ma kaa andha pyaar.

So S decides to observe these strange dudes who can make a woman laugh and bring a twinkle to their eyes.

After days of hovering around them like body odour, Shaandaar makes a shocking discovery. These gents actually treat women like humans and not some conquest. Horrors of horror, they actually like these ladies for their wit, intellect and not their cup size. He saw one of them look deep into her eyes and tell her how beautifully the shade of lipstick she was wearing complemented her skin tone. How her hair shone under the dim lights. Not a single reference to her body parts, BC and she was actually blushing!

Is it possible these mythical males(Mm) are actually fonder of these women than they are of themselves? Because Maa kasam, he has actually seen these Mms listen with rapt attention to what their companion has to say. Mm couldn’t stop asking her what made her happy and her pet peeved. The books she reads, the causes she was passionate about. He could see the look of pleasure in Mm’s eyes when he made her laugh. It was not even a sexist WhatsApp joke.

S learnt a valuable lesson that day. It is possible to compliment a woman without coming off as patronizing jerk, insincere or down right creepy. It is also possible that all women are not dying to be told how gorgeous they are. She knows exactly how she looks and feels uncomfortable when someone can’t stop commenting on her physical features. She is more than a great face and perky pair of boobs, you know.

It helps immensely if you are approaching her not with the sole purpose of bedding her but because you are genuinely interested to know more about her. Respect her boundaries, instead of dismissing it off as yet one of her paranoias. And please don’t put her on a pedestal and then later bemoan about her feet of clay. As such the ruling party has made it clear the only thing meant to be worshipped is the cow wagging her tail at the traffic intersection.

If this is so difficult to comprehend, dear Shaandaar, you are better off leading a life bereft of love and affection. When it becomes too much too bear, you can always join an anti-Romeo squad to vent your frustration on happily in love couples.