WIll Delhi Let The Odd Even Formula Succeed?

Delhi is about to turn into Oddistan – let’s even out the differences, shall we?

Pic courtesy - Hindustan Times

The Delhi government has been spearheading a campaign to turn Delhi into a spiritual haven by sending its denizens closer to God – one smog-full breath at a time. The enviable feat was achieved by the administration doing nothing, absolutely nothing – something that would have taken considerable effort because the National Green Tribunal has been shouting itself hoarse about Delhi’s steadily deteriorating air quality. For many, it must have been an uplifting moment when the WHO revealed that breathing in Delhi was akin to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, without having to pay a single paisa. We’ve heard of friends with benefits. But how many cities can claim to be a city with such smoky benefits!

Smoking kills a few but breathing in Delhi will kill all. Hahahaha.

Not anymore. Or so the Aam Admi government would like us to think after they adopt an odd-even policy for motor vehicles. We hear it has been tried in cities like Beijing and Mexico City, with iffy results. But I guess we are good with iffy. Cars with odd and even numbers will be allowed to run on alternate days. This will take 1 million cars off the road. You and I know that privately owned cars pollute the least because we scurry like alarmed kids every three months to get our pollution checks done. So, trucks, buses and other heavy vehicles, just like our elected representatives, will continue belching smoke and keep up their efforts at turning Delhi into a smoker’s only cubicle, like you see at the airports.

It will be interesting to find out how a city that drops its kids to bus stops barely a km away from home and drives to the neighbourhood market rather than walk, will cope with this trauma. Carpooling will prompt avid WhatsAppers to form groups according to number plates where they’ll be forced to have real conversation rather than simply sharing recycled forwards. Men and women seeking dates and mates will not only have to look for their soulmate but their nameplate-mate as well. Couples can breakup over conflicting number-plates instead of having to rely on the boring ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse.

I can already envision a polarized society with the Even wing accusing the Odd wing of festering an atmosphere of intolerance and returning awards to register their protest.

Anyway, half of us, on a given day, will enthusiastically take to buses and the metro, right? Given our already bursting at seams public transport, what are the odds that people will reach their workplaces in one piece? Imagine having the ‘adjust kar lo beta’ aunty sit on your lap as she knits while the constantly chattering college kids stand on your two feet!

Revered Sir,

I beg to state, I shall not be able to attend office. My patience expired in the Metro and I stabbed four idiots who were standing on my foot from Rajiv Chowk to Badarpur, with a fork. I’ll be spending the rest of my life in Tihar. The food here is free. If you eat it, you will realize why it is free.

Arrestingly yours,

Suresh



But I’m sure once this odd rule is set in motion, it will even out Delhi Traffic Police earnings, bringing them at par with the AAP MLA’s who raised their own salaries by 400%. If Modi has Delhi Police firmly in his pocket, Kejriwal will earn the lifetime gratitude of traffic police. If he excludes CBI from this odd-even decree, who knows they might find ganga jaal and not whisky bottles when they raid his Principal Secretary, Rajendra Kumar house next!

Like any other rule, even this one is not exempt from exemptions that includes the sick, the disabled and single women. For the sake of equality, Baba Ramdev has come out with a new range of salwar kameez. Those who buy two sets will get a complimentary wig made from organic coconut fibre absolutely free.

Speculation is rife that essential services will be exempt as well. This will include lawyers, judges, photocopy stalls, doctors, nurses, chemists, diaper sellers, drivers, cooks, barbers, safai karamcharis, road sign painters, pilots, air hostesses, rajma chawal sellers, gol gappa vendors and paanwallas. After chakka jams by Gujjars, Patels, SC, STs, OBCs and ABCs, a day will emerge when only the unemployed Hindu upper caste liberal male will be the odd one out.

I feel the government can kill many birds with just one stone. Why not extend this odd even rule to dethrone Delhi as the rape capital? Let women drive on even days and men on odd. This will restore the lost reputation of short dresses that get unfairly blamed every time a man pounces on a woman or a child! This will also ensure marital harmony because couples will no longer have the luxury of bickering as they drive. Since men keep insisting that women are bad drivers, women only days will ensure no man will step outside out of fear for their lives.

For our elected representatives, traffic police can put up brain teasers like –

If at a traffic snarl in Andheria Morh, 6769 motorists shook fists at each other and 3435 people also blamed netas for this mess, what was the total number of people on the road that day?

Only those who are able to solve will be allowed to drive. Since most of our politicians get degrees at Agra University where 12,000 appear for an exam and 20,000 pass, almost all will be forced to stay indoors. VIP’s will no longer require security cover and the police can go back to doing their original job – maintaining law and ‘odder’.

No men, no politicians on roads will drastically reduce the number of feminists and activists who have nothing better to do than blame those hallowed species for all their bitterness. Delhi will become a land of peace and harmony and who knows, Kejriwal’s muffler may get nominated for the Nobel prize for peace. After all, he functions better and protests more with his muffler on.

He can complain against Najeeb Jung’s high handedness on even days and Modi’s bullying on odd days.

In the meantime I’m placing all my hopes on a Dilliwala’s passion for breaking the law and for jugaad that’ll turn yet another rule into a joke. And just like any other Indian I’ll waste time and energy critiquing it rather than give it a try.

Change is good as long as it does not involve us, right?