We Are The Champions of Tolerance!

Dearest countrymen and women, till a few days back I was like you and SRK, wondering if intolerance is on the rise, pulling us back to the dark ages. Though I’m still not sure why they call it the dark ages, because our ancestors were pretty chilled out. They encouraged questioning, argument, debate and the give and take of ideas instead of banishing anyone who dared disagree, to a land infested by Mughals and calling them pseudo intellectuals. Instead of throwing ink at each other, they preferred inking literary works like the Urubhanga, Mricchakatika and Meghadootam as well as the most liberal Indian export in history, Kama Sutra. True, Edison had yet to light up their lives but even we in our modern times, experience dark ages, staring at walls, thanks to the efficiency of our vidyut boards.

Lynching for eating mutton that might have been beef. Lynching for being low-caste. Lynching for ‘just like that’. Inking Sudheendra Kulkarni (I’m no fan, even then). Killing of Kalburgi, for his frequent criticism of what he saw as superstition and false beliefs.

Dare you say that such concerted “incidents” are shameful! Dare you say that culprits are inflicting these with impunity because they know they’ll be safe! You were promptly labelled as ant-national, ‘pseudo Hindu’ and offered a one way ticket to Pakistan by ‘Yogis and Sadhvis’ who magically appear on TV. Come to think of it, are they actually Pakistani tourism, since no one in their right senses would visit that country!

Image courtesy Twitter

But seriously, where were these sainiks of true Hindu religion, when Babar invaded India? Where was the bravado when Tipu Sultan massacred Hindus and razed temples? Why didn’t they burst crackers when Humayun tumbled down the stairs and fractured his skull?

Like many, I chose to be angry in private. I’d nod my head in agreement every time I read a fierce critique of rising violence stoked by communalism. It didn’t help that our respected PM’s stoic silence encouraged his party members to amuse us with mothballed views (sorry for hurting the sentiments of the moth community) on patriotism and Hindu superiority to justify everything. According to them, all Muslims are evil and the only way we can counter evil is by being evil and behaving exactly like the fundamentalists.

I was busy expressing intolerance against those voicing intolerance against those protesting against rising intolerance in the country. Phew!

Finally I was hit by the blinding truth while stuck in debilitating Gurgaon traffic. Massaging my head, trying to drown out the impromptu horny symphony of irate drivers, I realised how much shit we tolerate on a daily basis. Of course, we are not intolerant!

Remember all those awful movies you sat through just because you’d paid 450 bucks for a ticket? Didn’t you put up with Mrs Sharma, your Boss’s bitter half, bragging non-stop about their luxury holiday in Warsaw while you spent a few miserable days in Mussoorie! Tell me, if we can tolerate potholed roads, power outages, Arnab Goswami on Newshour, the FB friend who uploads a new selfie with her dog every hour or the slimy inspector expecting chai paani for a hassle free police-verification of our passport – WHY CAN’T WE TOLERATE INTOLERANCE!

Why are writers, filmmakers and scientists returning their awards to protest against growing religious violence? Don’t men and women get killed all the time for reasons as trivial as a fight over parking space, rotis not being round enough, driving carefully, falling in love with a boy from a different caste or simply existing! What’s a few recent killings over cows and caste? Love is in the air only on Karvachauth and Valentine’s Day (only if you’re out of pouncing rage of an upholder of morals). But hate is in the air, all through the year.

I’m aghast why no one is accusing Maggi or even Chhota Rajan, also part of the wapasi scheme, of pseudo intellectualism and agenda driven outrage. How dare some of you celebrate the return of Maggi when you should be accusing ‘her’ of a hidden agenda to make us fat! In this season of returns, even Bihar engineered a Modi wapasi and sent him back to the UK. Or is it the US?

Dear pseudo intellectuals and Biharis, out to bring a bad name to our country, if you cretins are really serious about your protests, please do it the right way. Instead of resorting to sissy ways to protest, man up and bludgeon a few chickens instead with your trophies. Or pigs. Besides, the government will run out of storage space with so many awards arriving every day by Speed Post.

The only saffron lining in the cloud of outrage is that self-proclaimed patriots attacking these “traitors” have discovered their hidden talent. It requires immense dedication, flair, the fine skin of a hippopotamus and volumes of earwax to keep hurling insults at renowned filmmakers, accomplished writers and thought leaders and turn intellectualism and secularism into cuss-words. And that too, without ever having set their eyes on scriptures and books that truly embody our heritage.

There’s far too much polarization in this country – selfless individuals interested in the welfare of cows pitted against selfish ones only interested in development and India’s seat in the global community. Alas, this has made me miss the good old days, when UPA was in power. At least there was no polarization. We were all united by apathy and our wait for the dawn of achhe din.

Unfortunately in the era of achhe din, there are now three kinds of Indians – Right Wingers, Left Wingers and those wondering where their next meal will come from! And the most secular place – your neighborhood KFC, the only place where a right wing happily mingles with the left in a bucket.