A True Welfare State (Cows Only)

As disturbed as the saffron brigade that advised me to wash my mouth with Harpic, and go back to my motherland for daring to compare cows with women, Cacofonix my guest blogger has decided to repent on my behalf. In this post he comes up with cow welfare schemes that'll show the world how much we cherish our four-legged Mom. 

“Each cow will have a 12-digit unique identification number". The aim of this scheme is to establish identity of cows, their security and provide them benefits of health schemes.” 
 
Indians have really nailed it when it comes to quadrupeds. Okay, the cow is holy there, and the cow knows it. They have generally been roaming around with an air of insouciance all these years – on the streets, in the fields, in market places, through narrow gullies, jumping over cow catcher grills at IIT hostels. Pooping anywhere they liked. Mooing anytime they pleased. But now, the administration has taken up their cause, like never before. Because, the cow is like their mother. Can be a tad confusing because human mothers have two breasts and cow mothers could have several – it is hard to tell how many. But that’s another matter.

Critics of the government machinery, who just don’t understand Indian heritage, have been shouting needlessly from the rooftops, saying that cows now enjoy greater legal protection than women. What they don’t get is the fact that this is one territory where India has trumped the most advanced country on earth, the US. I mean, the US sulked when India sent a spacecraft to Mars (the second time after the one sent up in 3500 BC, just read the frigging Vedas), but they are having a hard time now on what to do for their Jersey herds to be one up on India. The White House has approved funds for developing an upgraded version of unique IDs that will carry the complete biometric profile, lipid profile, BMI, political affiliation and dietary options in a microchip that can be etched like a wafer on a neck piece – how fetching! The better off bulls will get color options for these tags, maybe purple, black and magenta, hanging from Swarovski encrusted gold chains.

But they are no match for the Indian administration which is addressing key aspects of religious sentiment and social propriety. Among other initiatives like inviting cow leaders to inaugurate the National Games, the department has commissioned the National Institute of Fashion Design to come out with a line of cow wear that can protect their modesty. Comfort wear bras, blouses in traditional Ikkat and Kanjeevaram prints, sober petticoats and white sarees. Younger cows could wear jeans – but then, that could lead to other complications. The next thing you know, they are using mobile phones and gallivanting off to Goa for parties. Better stick to Hindu clothing, true to our sanskriti. Bulls and buffaloes would similarly don gaivastrams.

A 1200 acre ashram is being developed in Rishikesh where retired cows can spend their sunset years with others of their ilk. Purified gangajal, warmed gently using solar power, will have a dash of rosewater added so that the cows can feel rejuvenated after a shower. The choicest hay, cultivated in states that had fodder scams, will be served in moo-watering renditions like nimbu-maarkey, mysore-masala and mustard-patrani. WCs will be custom built so that a cow can plonk its liquid and solid output in privacy, languidly reading up the latest tabloid on cow scandals, while a sign outside reads “don’t disturb, I am bullshitting”. Evenings will have guided tours to the forests at the foothills for a breath of fresh air and some ayurvedic herbs to munch.

The go-maata health scheme, out of bounds for humans, will not only allow genuine medication, GI (they really have a lot going on in their intestines) and cardiac surgery and hospice care, but also permit Kerala oil massage and spa claims. Upper caste cows can claim air-conditioned rooms and get a ghee allowance of one litre per day.

All arterial roads and highways will have dedicated lanes for cows. I mean, if the ashrams and go-shalas fill up, where would they go? They will get options at key intersections to barge into bus and car lanes and have fun holding up traffic. Or knocking off two-wheelers. The motor vehicles act will be amended to include penal provisions for drivers who may object. The only debate going on is what to do with the “No Horn” signs that are causing some confusion in the department. Police gallantry awards will be conferred on traffic constables who can cause the biggest traffic snarls by inviting cows to party on the asphalt. Public address systems will automatically switch to catchy Punjabi music or sleepy Bengali songs at the swish of a tail.

The best instructors will be flown in from the Philippines and the US to conduct yoga classes for young cows. Meditation sessions will be followed by a chilled shot of go-mutra, on the rocks, accompanied by choco-chip gobar cookies. Cow night clubs in Gurgaon will have bouncers to keep off the rowdy ones and close by the decent hour of 8 pm so that the young ones can catch up with their studies after going back to their sheds, which will have free electricity from gobar gas plants.

Anticipating a huge inflow of bovine tourists from other countries, especially Bangladesh and Ethiopia, immigration authorities are tightening the visa application process. But the tourism ministry is hell-bent on promoting the Incredible India campaign because, for once, what they are doing is incredible to the point of being utterly incomprehensible.

As far as cows go, nobody is getting cowed down. Not anytime soon. And the cats are brushing up their music to play on their fiddles for the cows to jump over the moon.

Courtesy Google Images