Social Media Etiquettes for Dummies

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We are living in an age when we lead dual lives – on and off the Internet, where our carefully projected online presence is way wittier, prettier, happier and has hundreds of good friends we’d rather not meet. It’s hardly surprising considering our single-minded devotion to social media which lets us Photoshop our lives to picture perfection. We’d rather spend hours scrolling up and down assimilating information that we never need, than look up the ceiling and count the cobwebs or get up from the chair to investigate where that burning smell is coming from. And why not! As opposed to our dull and dreary lives, inhabitants of Instagram and Facebook lead a Utopian existence where everyone is always either partying, vacationing, having exotic meals or sitting around tables laden with food and drinks while smiling charmingly at the camera. On the other hand, Twitter is a land of the idealist where everyone has a perfectly clear idea about how governments should be run, policies should be made and how others should lead their lives.

And now that your Mom and her Grandma are flocking to Facebook, sharing vacation pics and calling each other sweetie, it does make sense that we come up with a list of do’s and don’ts on how to conduct yourself on Social Media.

The first cardinal rule that every social media enthusiast must abide by is the belief that you and only you are the centre of the universe. The sole purpose of your friends and followers existence is to be aware of every minute detail of your life and applaud you and your achievements at every given opportunity. If you love me, you have to love my dog, baby, poetry and motivational quotes. Use every given opportunity to flaunt your Googled knowledge, workout regime and don’t forget to post photographs of you reading a book, cycling, trekking and gently wiping the sweat off your face and wait for the avalanche of compliments. If some of your friends and relatives are too busy to take note of your busy life, make sure you tag them. Only a moron has better things to do with his life than take note of your latest achievements!

The more you praise and click like, the more you’ll be praised and liked in return. Also, only those who call you beautiful and gorgeous deserve your admiration in return.

Remember, your life’s aim is to make others envious of your happiness and successes. And if you don’t have much to brag about, fabricate it, for God’s sake!

Don’t be afraid to show your emotional side to the online world and make sure you add as many emoticons and !!!!!! to your ‘feeling angry, hurt and sad :-(’ status updates. Don’t bother with details and deny your friends the opportunity of asking – what happened, kya hua, you okay????? Wait for at least ten minutes and let them stew in their concern before saying ‘nothing’ and keep the mystery intact. Keep conducting these experiments to find out how many are gullible enough to fall for your theatrics.

Also keep your heart angst free by posting slys for your bitchy friends, jealous colleagues and tyrannical Boss and make sure they never read them.

To maintain a perfect balance between your loving and hating side, make sure to tell your Mom how much she means to you, how proud you are of your daughter and how much you love your gorgeous wife, but only on Facebook. Of what use is your loving and caring if you cannot broadcast it to the world and its aunt!

Don’t you dare attempt it in real life, lest you get shouted at for never having enough time and ignoring them all year!

Social media, especially Twitter gives everyone the equality opportunity talk without having to listen to what others have to say, unlike real life where the middle of your sentence is forever interrupting the beginning of your friends. Be the fearless activist, the crusader for women’s rights, cry for the injured in Gaza, call for a fast until lunch against atrocities of Boko Haram without caring to know who your next door neighbours are and put on your headphones when the woman upstairs cries for help.

Say what pleases others in public but say and do what pleases you, only in private. The moment you smell a controversy, be the first to opine without bothering to check with facts. It’s your outrage – make it large. Feel proud to be part of the herd that makes it cool to hate women, liberals, Politicians, Facebook, Reddit, or even Twitter. After all, we live in a world that feels safer to hate than love. Be at your obnoxious best while cracking jokes about Ayesha’s Takiyas, Sonam Kapoor’s lemons, women’s driving, and their lack of brains and wonder aloud why you are still alone.

Your sense of humour is of no use if you don’t manage to offend others and make at least a few of your friends never want to speak to you again.

The best part about Social media networks is, you can be the annoying twerp who’s constantly promoting me and myself, lead a blinkered existence that sees itself as the kind hearted soul that everybody adores, share every nugget of your uneventful life, bitch about others and then proceed to give sagely advice on moral correctness. But that shouldn’t stop you from making fun and write articles dripping with sarcasm when you see others doing the same.

After all, it’s a world of your making where you get to choose your dramas, play the hero, brand people you don’t like as villains and proceed to prosecute them and feel good about yourself.