Yeh Dil Mange More

Courtesy -news.bbc.co.uk

After a whirlwind tour of Disneyworld, Miami and Tampa to study their sewage and drainage system, Shri Mange Ram More, minister of state for Sanitation, Sewage and Drinking Water, came back with some valuable suggestions besides a dozen bottles of Blue Label, perfumes and a Rado watch from Duty Free.

A man of impeccable integrity and a lover of hard work, Mange More jee decided to get down to work as soon as he landed on US soil. He spent hours at the airport, making a careful study of all the loos located in the vicinity, interrogating all the made in Punjab janitors. He arrived at the conclusion that no drainage system was good enough to handle Indian shit. Yes, Mange Ram had finished his work in barely two hours, what ordinary mortals would take weeks to finish. Not a man used to wasting Indian tax payers money, he decided to spend the next two weeks making careful, intensive study of Uncle Sam’s bounties, especially on Miami beach.

It was after an enriching day spent at Macy’s, that he stumbled upon an unusual sight. Thousands of American men, women and children of all shapes and size gathered together to celebrate Diwali. Such funny people, celebrating Ramjee’s homecoming party on July the 4th! he mumbled to himself.

He was even more shocked when he learnt that it was the state that had paid for this extravaganza! Since when did the state start getting itself involved with the welfare of its people?

That’s when Shri More hit upon the idea that he knew would surely change the future of his country.

On arrival he headed straight for the headquarters to seek an audience with his bosses.
 

Before presenting his path-breaking proposal he had made sure to leak it to the media and anybody who cared to read it.

Presenting Shri Mange Ram's Charter for Festivals.

Since festivals like Diwali are nothing but a sheer waste of money, it is hereby proposed that the state will bear the burden of aam admi and sponsor community celebrations.

Since there’s no such thing as free lunch, a Diwali surcharge will be added to Income tax.

The state funded fireworks displays will take place over the River Yamuna. Since the river is already overflowing with toxin gases, it is recommended that the Yamuna be set on fire. Large stacks of files that have been collecting dust for decades in government offices will be placed symmetrically on the river bank and systematically ignited by concerned officers.

Frustrated terrorists will be encouraged to burst their bombs on the other side of the river bank instead of testing it in Hospitals, courts and marketplaces.

There will be live performances by the famed danseuse Sushma Devi, seasoned puppeteer Madam G, mime artist Manmohan Singh and a magic show by Wizard of zero loss.

The venue will also have exciting games like “Jump the red tape”, “Guess your Neta’s bank balance” , “Locate your missing file” ……

Those caught in jams on their way to venue will be entertained by their traffic signals that will play poetry by Kapil Sibal and adult education by Abhishek Manu Singhvi.

A delegation of ministers will be sent to US every year, to pick up the choicest made in China firecrackers.

33% of the celebrations will be reserved for Dalits, Meenas, Yadavs, OBC’s, Scheduled castes and Scheduled tribes.

66% of the Diwali funds will be appropriated by the hard working ministers of the cabinet.

Diwali will henceforth be called Rajeev Gandhi pataka yojnaa.

By the time Madam finished reading the proposals, her eyes were brimming with tears of joy. She humbly requested Mange Ram to include the proposal for Manmohan Singh dressing up as Santa Claus on Christmas and going door to door, begging for votes.

It was decided that an inquiry commission be set up to gauge public gratitude post Diwali celebrations. It was also decided to appoint an adhoc committee that will present a report on how to ruin other festivals as well.

As usual the proposals and guidelines were presented a day too late, in keeping with Indian traditions. Just like this blog-post on Diwali that has come out a day after the festivities.