An Ode That Stinks...

Cartoonstock.com

They are like a whiff of stale air and leave you gasping for oxygen. You dare not breathe in their presence and prefer staying a mile away. If you are stuck in the elevator with them you are doomed. They emit toxic fumes, yet are kind to the environment. In a water starved future, if you accidently stumble upon 15 buckets of water, please say a silent thanks to them. They inadvertently saved water for you with their non-bathing ways.

Water is their enemy, soap so last century. The Deo Empire thrives on their largesse. Why smell fresh when you can have the killer axe effect. Bathing is so proletariat, my animal magnetism is enough to make people swoon. People have been swooning in their presence but for reasons they rather not know.

And they have hallowed company, like Mao, Indian idol of revolutionaries. Mao’s passion for books and banning them was surpassed by his fetish for women and hatred for baths. In his 27 year rule, Mao didn’t bathe even once. He would get himself wiped with a hot towel and considered a swim a bath. Obviously, if you are busy stirring up a revolution and founding communism in China, you don’t really have time to indulge in trivial pursuits like bathing. And when you are powerful, do you really care what the women think about you? Naah...Strangely he found enough time to read his many books and getting them banned, so that the rest of China could not read them. His logic – the more books you read the more stupid you become. Bathing, perhaps for the great Mao was another manifestation of stupidity.



Julian Assange, the rebel who has been leaking without a pause, is also far from odour free. The Wiki boss, according to his media collaborators, stinks. Assange loves skipping around like a child at times and doesn’t always wash. Is this the real reason why the Swedish women filed a rape charge against him – he was an assault on their senses?

But this stinky discovery broke my heart. So what if he has been my longest crush, so what if he is often voted as the sexiest man alive, unfortunately it hasn’t provided Johnny Depp with too much hygiene sense! The actor it seems is at loggerheads with soap and water and rarely showers. Why Johnny why? Don’t you care for your fans? Maybe he doesn’t but Depp has found his soulmate in Vanessa Paradis (his live in partner) who shares the same why bathe philosophy. Great minds think alike. Apparently it is hard to be around them and people prefer admiring them from afar. Depp could now run for the title of the worst smelling man alive.
Come to think of it, bathing is a recent phenomenon. Barely 200 years back, it was considered an indulgence. Even the British royalty bathed just once a week and the beauteous Cleopatra in her endeavour to conserve water preferred splashing around in ass’s milk.

What if we all decide to adopt the why bathe way of life. Lalit Bhanot of CWG infamy has already certified us as a nation with dubious hygiene standards. So why not prove him right. Imagine the stink we’ll create! And your body odour can become your secret weapon against all things unsavoury. Don’t have the heart to dump your girlfriend, just stop bathing. Think meetings are a crashing bore, just raise your arms! People will prefer video conferencing with you, your boss will avoid you and people will generally leave you in peace. Is the depleting water table giving you sleepless nights? Say no to a bath. And the time you save can be effectively put to use by skipping around the house a la Assange. It’s still not clear whether he skips around with or without his clothes. You could even try reading a book on Maoist ideologies and make others see red. Or fantasize getting seduced by Jolie with you as the hapless tourist.

And girls, the no bathing strategy is a win-win situation for you as well. Imagine all the money you get to save. No more expensive soaps, shower gels body scrubs and loofahs, just a bottle of perfume will do the trick and keep you smelling like a daisy. True, Body Shop, Lush may get wiped out of business. After all, they have built their empire on the fetish we silly women have, for smelling good. The modern woman will now be an Au Naturel diva.

So next time when a dear friend tells you he rarely showers, don’t curl up your nose in disgust! Please, he deserves your respect. He is the lone wolf, a maverick who doesn’t care what the world thinks about him yet this kind soul cares for the world. A visionary in touch with his true self – uses his bath tub to play chess, shower stall to ponder upon world peace and what’s more he smells like Johnny Depp. Just don’t try to imagine him skipping around.