It’s your Birthday, make it 75 feet large

A cake so ugly that you can have your cake and eat it too

It was a celebration that the Kingdom of UP Yours will remember for the rest of their wretched lives. After all it was not their money that was used to fund the grandiose birthday celebrations of their Mulayam King, the one who refuses to retire. Reports that the horse driven Victorian style buggy used by the king and his merry men to ride to the venue of the celebrations has been imported from London, is nothing but bullshit being churned out by the good-for-nothing-press besotted with Emperor Modi. If unreliable sources are to be believed, Fairy Godmother Azam Khan had turned the pumpkins leftover from Halloween celebrations into Mulayam’s sparkly carriage. The horses were Fairy Azam’s lost and found Jersey buffaloes in makeup.

The procession was a sight to behold as it passed like wind through 200 welcome gates, especially erected with flowers. Bunches of red and white balloons were strung on spruced up roads, while the surroundings glittered with electric lights. King Mulayam looked luminescent in his pristine white dhoti and kurta specially designed for the occasion. The subjects, who only read about development in full page newspaper ads but have yet to see any, were seen applauding wildly, their chests swelled up with pride.

So what if the land of UP Yours is steeped in poverty, at least their rulers are rolling in riches. Also, this was the first time they had seen so many electric bulbs burning for so long without any power cut.

Nobles, serfs and rascals of the Yadav clan had all assembled to be part of the cake cutting ceremony. Since size is all that matters to men, unlike women who are content with 3.5 inches as long as it looks like a credit card, the cake was as big as the King’s ego. King Mulayam had to swing from a rope from the ceiling to cut the 75 feet cake.

The cake will be distributed to all the starving Dalits who hosted Prince Rahul’s last supper.  The rest can imagine themselves licking the colourful cream off the cake while watching the live telecast of the celebrations on the free laptops distributed by heir in waiting, Prince Akhilesh. Mulayam King had earlier blamed the free laptops for his dipping popularity that had plunged lower than Sunny Leone's neckline.. He had claimed that Modi had put his face and speeches on the laptops thus erasing his many good deeds from the public's fickle memory.

It’s suspected, this urge to make it large was triggered by Emperor Modi’s attention seeking ploys to grab headlines and hearts of the masses. If Modi can fly to distant lands, shake hands with its leaders, and win the hearts of patriotic NRIs by telling them to stay out the country – just keep sending the money – why can’t Mulayam sashay into the nation’s heart in his recycled Pumpkin?

In the not so distant past, that the King had endeared himself to the youth by showing his Mulayam corner for rapists by pledging his undying love and support for their galtis. 

The cake ceremony was followed by the Royal Balls, where Mulayam King effortlessly trampled on toes on the dance floor, taking everyone’s breath away. The party carried on till the wee hours. Strangely, the King left as if he had diarrhoea the moment the clock struck 12.

It is now learnt that in his rush to exit, King Mulayam dropped a screw from his head. The police force that gives stiff completion to the hardened criminals of UP Yours would surely know where to search for Mulayam’s missing screw. 

They were last seen haunting the many bars in the NCR sniffing screwdrivers.