When Sita Clicked Write

Episode 1

Since Dusshera is round the corner, I thought I’ll give Sita a modern twist.

Maa,

I am kicking myself for being so goody-goody.  I should have stayed back and gotten fat.  But no! I had to act like one those dumb belles in the saas-bahu serials and follow my husband to the forest like a loyal puppy.  What was I thinking!  Sigh… Life was so much cooler at the Palace – all those maids, the soft bed, the scented massage, the gorgeous Jacuzzi…I miss it so bad.  And guess what! I am even missing my MILs.   Yep, the same old hags I took such pains to avoid.   And it wasn’t that tough you know.  They mostly stuck to their rooms and all they did was play cards and watch TV. 

Actually it’s Paa-in-law’s fault.  He and his fetish for collecting wives!   Which dork sends his heir to the jungles just because he made a promise to his pretty young wife?  Promises are meant to be broken right? And if everything else fails you can always feign memory loss.  But no! You have to act all upright and send us packing to hell. Gawd! I am so maaaad at him! 

  

Maa, next time when you meet that jealous bitch Kaikeyi at one of your Kitty parties, just give her a tight slap will ya?  You know what, I often dream that I am pushing K and her ugly hunchback Manthra off a cliff.  They go down screaming as I grin widely.   I wish I could do that.  Will you ask Dad, if he can arrange someone to crush that bitch under a speeding BMW?  Please, pretty please? 

sitasingstheblues.com

I was such a fool to think that life in the forest will be like one of those iDiscoveri camps we attended in school.  And that the raw diet would do wonders for my skin and size zero dreams!   I am soo sick of my vegan diet.  If they make me eat another banana, I swear I’ll puke.  And guess what! Even Dominos refuses to deliver here. What cheek! Saying no to royalty.  Wait till I get back, I’ll make sure their license is revoked. 

Life here is even worse than Ram Gopal Varma’s Jungle.  The connectivity is so poor.  Every time I try to log in, I get disconnected.  I haven’t chatted to my FB friends since ages and when I finally managed log in, there was not a single message waiting for me on my wall.  Har ek friend traitor hota hai! Just because I am not rich anymore they think they can treat me like trash! 

Wait till I get back, I will unfriend them all.

I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with Ram at first sight.  This is what happens when you read too many Mills & Boons.  It’s all your fault, you and your hugest collection of those trashy sweet pills which are nothing but a pack of lies!  In reality the strong silent types are crashing bores who prefer laptops to their wives!  Gosh! Maa he’s such a video game junkie.  All he does he play Angry Birds, Assassin’s Creed and pump iron.  I admit that it was his six packs that I actually fell for and he kinda looked cute with his long hair in a bun.  And yeah!  The way he stringed Pa’s ancient bow was kinda hot.  But a woman needs to talk and feel special.  And does he do that?  No sire.  All he does is criticize and sulk when I snap back.

To think I sacrificed the admiration of my hundred admirers to face the criticism of one idiot.  

And that bro-in-law of mine Laksh-man, he kinda freaks me out – acting like my bodyguard, flexing his muscles and giving me that “I’m watching you girl” look!  Yeah! Right!  Get a life dude.  Ram and I could have had a second honeymoon, but for you and your annoying habit of following us like a shadow!   That stupid hut doesn’t even have enough rooms and I keep crashing into that jerk all the time.  And does he eat!  All I do is cook all the time. Nobody even has the decency to ask if I need help.  

Men I tell you.  

I haven’t told you this, have I?  A woman, Surpanakha had been stalking Ram.  I understand my man is quite a chick magnet until he opens his mouth.   So, she was bombarding him with texts and acting all cheap and desperate.  But I know my man, he played cool and disinterested even though she was kinda pretty.  I know coz I checked her albums on FB.  What an amazing wardrobe that woman has and look at me, a walking fashion disaster in my one piece saffron wrap!   It’s been so long since I shopped at Dolce & Gabbanna.  Sigh….

Anways you know naa, Laks always had anger management issues.  One day when Surpanakha was trying to get all hot and heavy with Ram, that joker took out his Swiss knife and chopped her nose off!  Of course she got mad, with plastic surgery so expensive and the poor girl doesn’t even have a medical insurance that covers her nose. I guess shit happens all the time.

I wonder if she’s planning to sue us.

And now even I have managed my very own personal stalkers, not one but two of them. They are dark and one of them is a lil weird.  Remember Abhishekh Bacchan in that ridiculous movie Ravan? One of them kinda looks like him.   I am not too sure whether I should tell Ram.  As such he’s so stressed about that Surpanakha episode. 

Wait!  I just spotted a deer outside of my window.  Hey! It’s a golden colour.  Shit! Where is that damn camera of mine.  I better click some awesome pics and upload it on FB so that all my loser friends know what a good time I am having. 

Maa, I gotta run, will call you tonight.

Mwaah

Sita.

Read Episode 2 and 3 here