Adam and Eve: The True Story

He is Doctoratlarge,Twitter's most controversial tweleb. Feminist hating, boobs loving, yet utterly sensitive - he's bitter, he's sweet and scathingly honest. He may have his fair share of worshipers and haters but everyone will agree that there's no one like him. A practicing Doctor, he sketches, philosophizes and waxes eloquent on his blog Bittersweet Pills. 

He unleashes his wicked sense of humour in this retelling of world's oldest story - Adam and Eve.
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Year: 50,000 BC. Setting: Eden, the garden of Paradise. And Eve is sitting beside a lovely deep blue lake with deep blue mountains silhouetted by the rising sun in the distance. A mild, salubrious breeze is blowing, bringing the sweet mixed scent of a million different perpetually blooming flowers to her nostrils. The grass is as green as envy, and as soft as the air. In fact, everything, including Eve herself, is very beautiful – more beautiful than everything else in the Universe. And yet, Eve is not happy. In fact, she is downright sad.

The less charitable among the readers will immediately say that that’s typically like a woman – to be unhappy, even when everything around her is perfect. But don’t be so hasty, gentle reader, to condemn her. She has every reason to be unhappy. And the reason for her unhappiness was the one person in the world who meant everything to her – Adam. And he meant everything to her, because he was the only man in the whole wide world.

Eve wanted to be with Adam always. She wanted to walk besides him, stealing ardent glances upon his rugged, handsome face. She wanted to hear him speak lyrically about the unspeakable beauty of Paradise in his deep, mellifluous voice. She wanted to comb his thick unruly hair with her dainty fingers, to see him childishly exult in his victory as he outraced her swimming in the deep lake. She wanted him to leap up in the air to pluck out the sweetest fruits off the trees, which were always to be found on the highest branches.

But to do all these things, Adam had to be around her. And that is why beautiful Eve was sad. Because Adam showed absolutely no interest in doing all these things with her. In fact, he behaved as if her very presence in the Paradise was an inexplicable piece of mild nuisance, which he had to just shrug and put up with.

He was much happier spending his time with the dumb brutes of paradise – cuddling the wolf puppies, tousling the majestic mane of the lion, racing with the swift stallions on the wide grassy meadows. But most of all, he liked to run around with the apes. Disgusting creatures these apes were! Always running mischievously around, jumping from tree to tree, often startling her with their sudden leaps close to her, and sometimes even daring to pull her lovely flowing tresses.

Adam and the apes played several games together, the whole day long. But their favorite game was with that something which was shaped like a moon. Adam had fashioned the thing using some thick leaves and tying it all together with some thick supple roots. The apes had helped him to erect a pair of poles on each end of a fairly large grassy field. The apes then divided themselves into two groups and each group tried to kick the ball in between the poles at their opponents’ end of the field. The team lead by Adam they called Man United, and the other group of apes was called Ape United. They kept at this game for hours, kicking the ball and each other, pushing, shoving, snarling and growling – and all the while thoroughly enjoying themselves. Eve found all this completely silly of course, but when she expressed her thoughts to Adam, he just said that it was a man thing which she won’t understand. He also tried to explain something which he called the “Offside rule” to her, and became surprisingly irritated when she failed to grasp it.

Eve would’ve been desperately lonely and bored, were it not for dear Serpent. Serpent was a rather thin and ugly looking fellow, who waddled rather than walked on a crooked pair of legs. But he had some agreeable qualities, chief of which was that he could sit with Eve for hours, listening to her complaining about how little attention Adam paid her. He also climbed the trees and brought her the highest, sweetest fruits to eat. In fact, she found him to be a really nice guy.

“Oh, thanks for the rose Serpent. It’s so lovely!” She’d say in her sweet voice. “Would you mind sticking it into my hair? Thank you. You’re such a sweet fellow. You care for me so much. I wish, Adam cared even half as much as you care for me. In fact, he doesn’t even take care of himself. His hair is always an untangled mess. And he just about puts on any leaf he can lay his hand on, not caring whether it suits him or not.”

While Eve thus presumed that Serpent was content to be friendzoned by her, Serpent of course had a completely different view of the matter. He was completely in love with Eve, and nurtured a secret desire to replace Adam in her affections. He thought that by paying attention to her and taking care of all her little needs and fancies, he would finally be able to impress upon her that he was a much better choice than thoughtless, careless, stupid Adam. He harboured such hopes for many, many months, until one day, Lucifer the devil, cleared his mind of such silly misconceptions. Lucifer was the bad guy of the Universe, of course – but like all bad guys, he had a soft corner for a nice guy who was obviously going to be heartbroken over a girl who was way above his league. So one day he took Serpent aside and after a long heart to heart talk over a bottle of wine (an intoxicating liquid invented by Lucifer himself), he was able to convince Serpent that his present course of action was as likely to win Eve for him as the Sun was likely to come up in the night. Serpent of course, burst into tears, like any nice guy does on having his heart broken.

“There, there, my friend,” Lucifer soothed him. “Don’t worry. I’m your friend. I’ll help you get Eve. But you’ve got to do just what I say. Do you know about the forbidden tree?”

“Yes. All creatures are forbidden to eat its fruit”

“Exactly. Now I want you to convince Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. Tell her that it will make her skin glow even more and make her look even more beautiful.”

“But what will that achieve?”

“The secret of that fruit is, that anyone who eats that fruit from anyone’s hand will immediately fall deeply and madly in love with the person who feeds the fruit to him/her. So as soon as Eve eats the fruit from your hand, she’ll fall madly and irrevocably in love with you”

“But that’s such a wicked, underhand way of winning her love!” Serpent protested. “I want Eve to fall in love with me for my good qualities, my inner beauty, the purity of my soul!”

Lucifer laughed loudly and bitterly.

“My dear innocent friend, no woman falls in love with a man over such qualities. Especially not with someone who is so far below her station in life. So if you want Eve, do what I tell you to do. Or be content with being perpetually friendzoned by beautiful Eve.”

Serpent desperately wanted Eve, and so he overcame his scruples and agreed to do as Lucifer suggested.

So the next day Serpent asked Eve to go for a walk with him. Adam was busy playing the silly game with the apes, and she had nothing much to do, so she agreed. As they walked, Eve kept complaining about how rudely and indifferently Adam was treating her, so she didn’t notice where they were going, until they reached the grove where the forbidden tree stood brooding, with luscious red fruits hanging from its thick branches. As soon as Eve realized where she was, she was suddenly suspicious.

“Why have you brought me here Serpent?” She demanded

“Oh, dear Eve, I thought you’d like to taste the forbidden fruit.”

“But Serpent, it’s forbidden to eat it. That is why it’s called the forbidden fruit.”

“Ha! That’s just a silly superstition, I assure you. In fact, I’ve tasted it myself. It is the most wonderful fruit in the whole world. It’s taste is heavenly. Actually, I know for a fact, that if you eat the fruit, it’ll make you look more beautiful than ever.”

By now Eve’s woman’s instinct was sounding an alarm as loud as thunder in her mind’s ear. She realized with a sudden flash of clarity, that if the fruit actually made the person eating it more beautiful, why was it that Serpent was still as ugly and unattractive as ever? So she looked with her limpid big dark eyes right into Serpent’s shifty eyes. Serpent felt her glance pierce through to his very soul. And Eve asked him slowly, but firmly:

“Tell me the truth Serpent. Why do you want me to eat the forbidden fruit?”

And like every nice guy whose object of love looks so deep into his eyes and demands to know the truth would behave, Serpent found it impossible to betray her anymore. He said in an anguished tone:

“Oh Eve! I’m madly in love with you. I’ve loved you ever since the moment I saw you. Nobody else can ever make me happy, but you. You’re so absolutely divine. But I know that you don’t love me. And Lucifer said, that if you ate the forbidden fruit out of my hand, you’ll fall in love with me, and we can live happily ever after”

“Serpent, I never thought you’d try to cheat me like this! I thought you were my best friend, that I could trust you with my life, and this is how you repay my trust? By trying to trick me to succumb to your lust? Get away from my sight. I don’t want to talk to you ever.” Eve said all this in a tone of sharp reprimand, but her heart was dancing with joy. Meanwhile, heartbroken, Serpent trudged away to find solace in wine and Lucifer’s company.

Next day, Adam woke up beneath the bough where he usually slept, and as usual, immediately felt hungry. 

Image courtesy - Huffingtonpost.com

“Got the breakfast ready, woman? I’ve got to leave early today. It’s the final match of our series with Apes United today, and me and the guys have a team pep up meeting to attend”

Smiling sweetly, Eve proffered a shining red juicy fruit to him.

“What fruit is this, woman?” Adam asked with mild curiosity. “Where did you find it?”

“Oh, I just found it growing on a tree. It’s very tasty, I assure you, my Lord”

Adman took a suspicious bite. The juice spilled over into his mouth. It was delicious indeed. In fact, Adam had never tasted anything more delicious in his life. He gobbled up the fruit ravenously.

He looked at Eve, and suddenly he was amazed that he had completely failed to realize how incredibly beautiful Eve was. Strange, turbulent emotions bubbled in his heart and grew into a torrent that inundated his entire being. He stared dumbstruck at her. Eve blushed, as she realized that Serpent had been right, and the fruit was now working its effect on Adam. They reached for each other. And to put it briefly, gentle reader, Adam got laid.

From that moment, Adam forgot all about everything else, but Eve. His ape friends kept pleading with him to at least finish the final game of the series, but Adam had found a new pleasure which superseded everything else. He just couldn’t pull himself away from Eve. Eve of course was very happy that she had finally succeeded in getting his complete and undivided attention.

But Serpent, poor chap, was far from happy. Especially when Lucifer told him in no uncertain terms that he had been a dolt, and had been made a complete fool of by Eve. For many days, he couldn’t believe that Eve could’ve been so treacherous in dealing with him – he who had loved her more than anyone else in the world. But finally, he realized the truth, and wanted nothing but revenge on Eve. So directed by Lucifer, he sought and found Adam while he was alone for a moment, and told him that Eve had tricked him into eating the forbidden fruit, which is why he was now head over heels in love with Eve. On learning that he had been tricked by a woman, Adam’s manly ego felt affronted, and stirred to anger, he demanded that Eve tell him the truth. Eve, though frightened by his rage, kept her composure, and said:

“My sweet Lord! Do you think I could ever trick you? You, who are so wise and strong, and whom I love so much? It’s all Serpent’s fault. He wanted me to eat the forbidden fruit, promising me that it will make me even more beautiful. The villain knew that it would make me fall in love with him. But because I always think of nothing but you, oh my Lord, I thought I’d give the fruit to you to make you even more handsome and stronger. I plead with you my sweet Adam, if I’d known the true effect of this fruit, I’d have thrown it into the lake rather than give it to you”

Adam looked at her sweet, beautiful face and realized that he was too much in love with her. But once his anger was aroused, he had to spend it on someone. So he decided that the true villain of the story was Serpent. Subsequently, he found serpent brooding beneath a tree, took hold of him, and gave him such a severe beating that he broke both his legs.

So this story tells us 3 things:

1)Why Serpent is forced to crawl on the ground

2)Why nice guys always end up being losers

3)Why it is foolish to refuse to do anything that a woman demands that you do – because she’ll ultimately find a way to make you do it.