My Experiments With Mallu Porn

Google Images

Since Porn is what men watch and women frown at, I thought, what better way to rattle your senses than get a good, Indian girl to write about her encounters with the unmentioned kind. Well, Red Handed is no ordinary girl. She's sassy, witty and authors the incredibly funny blog by the same name. Her humour is the no-holds-barred kind and it's tough to keep a straight face while reading her posts.

In this post she talks about the much loved Mallu Porn....


In the words of the celebrated writer Ruskin Rushdie “Mallu Porn is like Fashion, a national self induced epidemic”. Recently an acclaimed Hollywood director M.Night Spielberg was caught watching Mallu porn in his iPad during the international premier of his ‘Love in the time of Size Zero’. TMZ tried to get his comments on the subject but could only reach one of his assistants who on the promise of anonymity told “Not everyone is into Jenna Jameson or Tory Black. Even in the west, men are craving for bootylicious sistas from the Deep South, but are instead rewarded with sticks with makeup on.”

Mallu porn is a rage you cannot escape. It is like the closet from Narnia that has to be entered into to understand a world that is on the other side. It is like Hitler’s moustache. You wouldn’t find it pleasing but you also wouldn’t want to tamper with it. It is a religion, a secret society, of which you unwittingly become a sworn member.

I had committed the cardinal sin of remaining untouched by ‘THE’ Mallu porn for what seemed to be my 23 years of existence. Blasphemy doesn’t give you a free pass just because you are a woman, especially if you happen to belong to the land that started it all. It’s like living in Paris and never visiting the Eiffel Tower. I just had to dip my toes in the vast pool that was Mallu porn to know whether it would give me shudders or warm yet sensational goose bumps that would revitalize my views on porn. Now don’t be shocked when you hear about a woman watching porn, for in the words of the famous Meryl Moanro “Women have as many prurient interests as men. We just keep those interests a secret.” It starts with a bite of the bug called curiosity and then turns into an educational tryst because unlike men, women don’t get high on porn but merely find it amusing. If you ask me, I would choose porn over televised sports any day!

Google Images

So, in a hostel room dimly lit by the luminous moon, I had my clandestine meeting with Mallu porn. A packet of Jackfruit chips, a decent pair of Sennheiser earphones, an unlimited Airtel internet connection and thus my journey began. You don’t search for Mallu porn because Google rewards you with it in the mere mention of the word “Mallu” on its search bar. My first stop was ‘Mallu Hot Bathroom Masala’ starring the notoriously famous Shakeela. O.M.G.Kurup, the noted south Indian lyricist once said, “What M.S.Subbulakshmi is to Carnatic music, Shakeela is to Mallu Porn”. In a bathroom shadily lit by a hanging bulb, stood Shakeela whose body size and shape was inversely proportional to Sonam Kapoor, with a cleavage that was deeper than the Grand Canyon. She had wrapped her oiled up not-so-private parts in a muslin cloth that stuck to her like paint and was allowing a man shamelessly dressed in orange bell bottom pants to apply coconut oil on her Thunder Thighs. At this point, I doubted whether the man had magical fingers because her high pitched moans over a simple thigh massage was beyond my understanding. After what seemed like 7 minutes of Thailand style Thigh massage, the bell-bottomed man moved on to her jiggling arms. There was no kissing, no ‘honka honka’ of the breasts and clearly no sex. I could have very well watched it with my grandmother.

But I could have vouched that ‘Mallu Maid Hot Blouse exposed’ would bring me to the main subject. I was awarded with a woman fatter than ‘Precious’, wearing a floral lungi and a white cotton mountain peaks bra that demanded you call it a ‘BRAZZIER’. On top of her was a man whose chest hair could as well be mistaken for Malinga’s hair, who was busy kneading her breasts as if Clay modelling. If any sort of kissing was happening, French, English or Uzbekistan style, it was all curtained out by his moustache. All this was happening on a bed beside an Iron Almirah with a poster of our own Talaiva Rajni Saar stuck on it and Usha Uthup’s voice singing “Zubi Dubi Dubi” in the background. Breast Kneading, Painful Moans, Usha Uthup music, Rajni Saar and his Chashma, the curtained kisses and within half an hour the video was over. I was left wondering as to why they do not air it as a Noon show on National Television. So many exciting promises, all broken.

But did I get to later watch some serious Mallu porn instead of the high on moans, less on smut videos? Yes. Was it pretty or acceptable enough like the Ebony videos of pornhub? Definitely a loud No!!!! Will I watch it again? Next question please.

Mallu porn is an outbreak. Right from the VCR tape collection of a Bihari Babu, to the Night time Masala movie being aired at JUGNI theatre in Siliguri and even to the Web History of an IIT’ian, you will find it everywhere. It paved way for soft porn in the 1980’s when all of us were busy changing channels whenever the actor and actress sat down under the tree for a feisty session of flower make-out. Mallu porn with its Michelin tyre logo shaped women might not necessarily classify it as pretty, but in an era where women are melting themselves in the gym to be acceptable to their men, it acts as a small dose of encouragement to those gifted with some generous curves to feel sexy and wanted.

No one tipped his hat to Mallu porn as Mr. Emraan Leone when he said “You can Love it, Hate it and even try your luck at ignoring it. But it will continue to shape the lewd fantasies of men, young and old all the way from Bhatinda to Siliguri, and sometimes even beyond”

And for once, I agree with the man. 

Courtesy - Red Handed

Since this blog believes in equality, why not a hot blooded, Delhi bway's version as well? 
A Night With Mallu Porn