India sends Mahawati to Broker Peace Talks with Pakistan

This post was also published on The Unreal Times, dated 9th August

Tired of condemning, not tolerating and still trying to frame a fitting reply to dastardly attacks by Pakistan, India finally decided that it has to move beyond severing cricket ties, to teach Pakistan a lesson. No more Aman and Asha and trying to buy their neighbour’s affections with Sallu and SRK movies. It’s time we showed them who the Big Boss is! After 55 adjournments and 56 walkouts in the Parliament, it was decided that the only way to deal with the world’s favourite headache and enfant terrible, Pakistan, was sending over a strict Nanny.

So, the hunt began for a woman with a towering personality capable of turning decorated officers into her personal shoe-shine boys. With shoulders strong enough to bear the weight of Anaconda garlands. A heavy-weight personality who could make grown-up feel like errant kids with a mere lashing of her tongue!

And guess whose name our esteemed Parliamentarians came up with? Who else but Kumari Mahawati, Uttar Pradesh’s very own Statue of Liberty!

Forbes ex most powerful, India’s Prime Minister in waiting, she’s also the only woman to feature in Thumka Book of Records for the record number of memorials she has built to honour herself. Sister to all Dalits and blister to the Yadavs and their henchmen, Behenjee also happens to be the only human alive to wear garlands heavier than Bappi Lahiri’s gold chains.

Who better than UP’s ex CM, to give a fitting reply to Pakistan’s ex minster of external affairs, Hina Rabbani Khar! What’s a few Birkins compared to Mahawati’s mammoth collection of handbags!

It was an auspicious day when Mahawati made her way to the Pakistani border. To augment her presence, she was accompanied by a heavyweight contingent. In the dead of the night, one could hear her delegation’s weighty footsteps along the LOC. As dawn broke, men dressed up in Pakistani army uniforms got the shock of their lives, as they woke up to a long line of mega Mahawati bronze statues and her stony-faced elephants, along the LOC. One look at her eyes and the soldiers sent an urgent request for diapers.

Phew! India had finally managed to come up with the perfect solution of peace - Maha behen and her hathis, India’s very own version of the Great Wall of China to keep the inquisitive Pakistanis in their place.

AK Antony can now take a break from issuing clean chits to the Pakistani army. UPA can stop blaming NDA for all its troubles. NDA can stop demanding answers from UPA to impress the gullible Indian public. And Pakistani terror enthusiasts will have to fly in made in China aircrafts to create mischief in our country!

Encouraged by the unprecedented success of their Maha peace project, India is now planning to dispatch Paranoid Banerjee to China to accuse all of them of being Maaoeeeeshts and geebhing them two tight shlaps phor encroaching upon Indian territory.

P.S The tweet that inspired the entire post, courtesy Priyanka Lahiri Sen.