Let's talk about Sex

Courtesy - goodmenproject.com

I’m in a mood to give parenting gyan. Not that I claim to have a Doctorate in parenting. In fact I barely graduated. After just one offspring I threw up my hands and said “Phew! Not again.” The prospect of having to scrounge for fallen leaves, ice-cream sticks for school projects and cutting up saris to design costumes for a fancy dress contest, all over again, gave me the heebie-jeebies. The tsunami of butterflies in your stomach just before exam results are about to be announced is not meant to be experienced twice.
 

Parenthood is one hell of a ride – you are constantly switching gears between heaven and hell. It leaves you traumatised but also gives you your biggest highs. We give our best years to our kids, yet we don’t regret it even once!

It will be safe to assume that I’ve been a reasonable parent. After all, my daughter has put up with me for eighteen years and hasn’t tried to run away even once.

When I was young, I would often fantasize about running away. But the fear of travelling IInd class kept my plans at bay. I spent most of my teen feeling victimised by my parents. Who on Earth expects their daughter to work hard, do well and make them proud, especially when there’s so much fun to be had! I dreamt of a town where Math had yet to be discovered and of course tall dark, devastatingly handsome men, who took an entire book to say “I love you”.

I still haven’t asked Tee, my daughter whether she has similar dreams.

But Tee like any other normal teen has called me awful, mean and all that blah besides the mandatory “Mum, you’re awesome”. We’ve had bitter arguments and there have been times when I’ve resorted to the most dreaded crime of all – nagging. There comes a stage in your life when you think your parents don’t understand you. There also comes a time in your life when you think your child doesn’t care for you enough. I have gone through both.
 

The other day over steaming cups of adrak chai, a friend confided that she discovered some naughty messages that her daughter had exchanged with a couple of boys. Strangers she had met online. Upset, she couldn’t help get rid of the feeling that her teenaged daughter had betrayed her trust.

Instead of telling you how she dealt with it, I will throw this googly at you. What will you do if you discovered some naughty messages/ sex clips on your teen’s mobile/laptop device?

Allow me to make certain presumptions before I proceed with what I have to say. Most of you will react rather than respond when faced with such a situation. Treat this as an emergency and resort to harsh decisions which will start with a long lecture interspersed with tears and end with a list of don’ts. It will bring out the worst in you and some of you will even consider spying on his/her online activities. You felt deceived and now it’s your duty to keep your child in check, right?
 

I feel, the moment we start judging our kids, we start losing them. Express outrage and rest assured your child will take pains to hide things from you. Say no and make sure that your offspring adds it to her must-do list. Start snooping and you will lose their trust completely.

We always have our children’s best interest at heart but there are better ways to express it.

You have to be their friend to understand what’s going on in their minds but before that you need to get off the pedestal you’ve placed yourselves on.

I fail to understand, why it is so tough for us to accept the so called mistakes our kids make! It’s as if we have made it our duty to mould our progeny into role models for the society and the moment they falter, we feel let down. Experience and age has taught me that there are no absolute rights and wrongs. They keep evolving with time. We have to accept that times are changing and stop ourselves from making, when-I-was-your-age lectures! Have you forgotten how annoying you found it when you were a teen?

S/he was eight when you first told him/her about the bad touch and good touch. It’s time to tell them, sex in not something to feel ashamed of. In fact if done right, it’s one of the most divine experiences. And believe me, the current generation knows more about sex than us. And since it is always discussed in school, it is natural that they will be curious to find out about it. If your child asks you what a Dildo is, for God’s sake don’t start sputtering with embarrassment. Look him/her straight into the eye and tell. Believe me s/he will love you for it. I know this for a fact.

Another friend invited her son and his college friends to her place. Even though she hated the idea of it, she offered them beer. The last time they had a party; the boys had snuck out of the house and bought cartons of beer. This time not a single one of them touched it. Since it was out there in the open it was no longer exciting for them.

We are scared to let go of our children, because we expect them to falter. Then we complain they are not responsible enough. We have to learn to let go. Being over-protective will do them more harm than good. Give them the freedom they crave for and watch them soar. All the values you instilled in her, all the good she imbibed from you – sit back and watch it bloom. Tell her you trust her judgement and it’s okay to commit mistakes.

So, if you find “Imma gonna whoop ur ass when I c u in skul” on her mobile, don’t freak out. Take a deep breath and say – It’s time we talked about sex.