Ek machhar salaa….

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A man and his bunch of friends were shooting at a foreign locale when a grave misunderstanding occurred. Over 166 men and women were careless enough to get killed.

If you want to be safe and alive, you have no business being out of your house!

That man, let’s call him AK-47, was given a free stay at Arthur Jail, Mumbai and awarded death by cholesterol. Unfortunately the biryani failed to work its magic and he was doomed to a diet of runny dal and overcooked veggies.

Fortunately for AK-47, Mumbai high court finally managed to frame a sentence starting with death. But this is India. A death sentence increases your chances at being alive. In fact, it’s easier to die outside the jail than inside its four walls.

Waiting to die can get boring and waiting for someone to die can get even more frustrating. So, a mosquito inspired by Nana Patekar’s memorable “Salaa ek machhar aadmi ko hijda bana deta hai” decided to test its superpowers on AK-47.

The nation erupted with joy. It was decided that the Bharat Ratna be conferred on salaa machhar for delivering speedy justice. Unfortunately justice had other plans. Even dengue gave up on AK-47.

But I’m the one who sees the brighter side of the dark and have hit upon this brilliant plan. Why not train these suckers for anti-terror operations, put them on a diet of lauki juice and then unleash them on juicy, beef fed Jehadis? It will be a win-win situation for all. The mosquitos will achieve nirvana and the terrorists will finally get to meet and mate the 72 virgins. And the virgins won’t be able to refuse men drained out of blood, who look straight out of a Twilight movie.

In fact, I’ve thought of a name for these winged monsters – Squad Choos-lee.

Unlike commandos, squad Choos-Lee needs no helicopters and expensive firearms, can swoop in undetected and create a buzz! No bullet can kill them, no bomb can maim them and what’s more they do not demand hefty salaries or complain of lack of direction in life. They are happy as happy can be.

And God forbid if the sting operation fails they will not resort to blackmail and demand hundreds of crores.

What’s more, it will give the mosquitoes a chance at redemption. After centuries of infecting the tax-paying, politician fun-making innocents and their offspring, they can finally channelize their sucking powers for the greater good of humanity.

I humbly request the government and the Ambanis take my proposal seriously. I already have my first batch ready – thousands of Aedes and Anopheles breeding in AIIMS and Safdurjung hospital.

While North Korea and China waste millions of dollars on nukes, India will stun the world with their version of organic WMDs. US, the self-appointed saviour of the world, can outsource their drone attacks to us and we in turn can outsource it to Squad Choos-Lee!

Sigh! I can almost imagine those misguided zealots whom the world calls terrorists screaming - Thappad se darr nahin lagta sahib, machhar se lagta hai!

And the Nobel prize for peace will finally get a deserving winner, me.