Indian Railways and Toilet Discharges

My resident guest blogger, Cacofonix prefers erupting once every few months, to remind the blogging world of his existence. While he was busy shivering in sunny California, he finally sat down to write this hilarious post ( made me wait two months for it!) By the time I finished reading it, I had tears in my eyes. Tears of laughter. Before you proceed to read, I must warn you that this write-up is not meant for the faint-hearted. You are advised to keep your smelling salts handy.

An expert committee on railway safety, headed by Dr Anil Kakodkar of the Atomic Energy Commission, has observed that pH content of toilet discharges is causing widespread corrosion of rail tracks, compromising the safety of train travellers. This has got the government and the railway minister very worried (whoever maybe the Mamata Di-appointed minister on a given day, which in itself is another chapter of worry), and I, as a responsible citizen must rise to help our harried policy makers.

First things first. What we must acknowledge is the seriousness our authorities have attached to the topic of safety and their collective official anguish at the utter lack of responsibility displayed by billions of Indians who merrily use train amenities to relieve themselves with impunity. That the government has called up nuclear scientists to investigate is proof that they wanted to engage the best of India’s technical talent in getting to the “bottom” of things. And that cerebral principles of nuclear fission and fusion would be appropriate in working out a solution to the vexing problem of human excrement. I have also learnt that the Centre is about to seek help of an American institute on use of String Theory and Quantum Gravity to understand why Rahul Gandhi could not string up 288 seats at the UP elections, with people gravitating instead towards Akhilesh. In fact, the Centre is puzzled at Akhilesh’s aquiline profile which is much more Italian than Rahul’s. More than Paulo Rossi’s. More than even Al Pacino’s. Reconstructive rhinoplasty could come to the rescue.

It is inescapable that science will rescue us. The government has said so.

Courtesy - bestpict.blogspot.com

We are generally aware that there is something that goes by the name ‘pH’. L’Oreal, Garnier and Sunsilk claim that their shampoos and hair colours are pH-balanced. This is a clever way of confessing that they put a lot of water, which is pH-neutral, in their products. But the average science-challenged user will think it a measure of product superiority that their pretty heads are paying up for. To understand better the impact of pH on rail tracks, let me make it simple. Lemons are low pH (acidic). Bitter gourd or karela is high pH (alkaline).

Therein lies the answer. We all know acid is corrosive. So, when Dr Kakodkar is expressing disgust at our bodily discharge, he is actually only talking of the contents that are low pH. He is not bothered about appearance, consistency or colour. He is not riling about non-Newtonian fluid characteristics. He is not carping about hydrogen sulphide emissions and odour (“the answer my friend is blowing in the wind” – a scientist’s lyrical response to the question whether his dinner included generous servings of rajma-broccoli). What Dr Kakodkar is telling us is to raise our pH a notch. Instead of more lemon and chat masala and mirchi, he is imploring that we eat more karela. This is something that Lays and Uncle Chipps and Pringles can help encourage. No more potato chips. Instead, it will be party-sized packs of beer-dipped crispy karela thins. Or personal packs in Angostura flavour. I hope they are listening.

The other way all right-thinking citizens can help is by not using train toilets at all. In any case they are mostly in a state that are an assault on our sensory sensibilities. You first wait outside. Gentleman with noticeable middle takes 15 minutes to emerge before you can get in. The first question you have in your head is “why didn’t I hear the flush?” You know when you get in. You then look for a hook to hang your jeans from. The hook has a spider. You have carried an empty Bisleri bottle to fill up the required water. You push the spring-stiffened tap and the water comes out in a giant spray, drenching your shirt and jeans, but not a drop gets inside the bottle. After a few manoeuvres, you manage it. You have to then position your pudendum gingerly above this gaping hole through which you can see the rail track zipping by, while the coach lurches wildly from side to side. It requires particular dexterity during winters when you do not want the cold wind gushing up and lapping your hind quarters. Yet, you want your deposits to preferably make it right through instead of seeing them rest on the sloped aluminium surface inside.
 

All this pain and anguish will be no more if all of us are given railway diapers. Huggies can have a new niche market other than puerile babies and senile seniors. The government will subsidise manufacture and sale after a three day debate in Parliament.

The other option is to direct toilet discharges away from the rail tracks. While babies can be hung outside windows to make this happen, the logistics of adult bottoms having to be positioned likewise poses several challenges. Bungee-jumping ropes could reliably be used, but the work process will involve extensive training on gathering up and releasing pressure. Things can go quite in a different direction otherwise, leading to other safety problems.

This is an open letter to the authorities offering my help, as a fellow member of the technical fraternity, in solving a matter of national importance. I will also solicit additional sociological insight from PJ O’Rourke who, on arriving at an under-developed location, said something to the effect that “for a country with so much famine and hunger, you see an awful lot of shit on the roads”.

Reference:

“Because of pH content of the toilet discharge, there is widespread corrosion of the rails” – Anil Kakodkar, Chief, Railway safety review expert committee. Indian Express, New Delhi, February 20

http://epaper.indianexpress.com/25830/Indian-Express/21-February-2012#page/1/1