Butt Unnaturally!

Ever since man stood straight, built a fire and made the wheel, women have been asking him a question; even after centuries of interrogation, he has yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. She cajoles, she pleads. He clears his throat and makes polite noises. She insists but he dare not tell her the truth.

How many times has your girl asked you if her bum looks big in that dress? And how many times have you lied glibly and said – “Fat? Are you kidding me?" and fell down laughing. Even if her butt looks big enough to cause a lunar eclipse!

But men can’t help lying, can they? They know from bitter experience that the truth will cost them their head!

With evolution men folk have learnt that she doesn’t mean what she says. Of course she knows the truth! She has a mirror, a measuring tape and a pair of jeans that doesn’t fit her anymore. What she really wants to know is – Darling, do you love me, despite my big bum! Do you still think she’s the goddess, she once was?

It’s never about the butt!

Women have it bad. We love to eat but would rather starve. We’ll huff and puff on treadmill, fold ourselves in half in the yoga class, yet the weighing scale needle will refuse to budge. Imagine the torture of seeing your man gorge on scoops of ice-creams while you chew on multigrain khakras! But you are human aren’t you? How long can you deprive yourself! You fantasize about it, day and night. You agonize over your dilemma – should I – should I not? And there comes a day, when you cannot take it anymore and succumb. As you sink your teeth in that delicious chunk of gooey chocolate cake, you sigh. Gosh! This feels so good. But your mind is screaming – Stop! Run! There’s still time! But you can’t and before you realize it, you have gobbled up three slices. You lick your lips and let out a small burp.

Now you can’t get rid of the guilt. Damn you woman! Whatever happened to your will power! I have sinned and now I’ll have to pay.And guess what, you end up paying a “heavy” price! That butter, the wheat flour, the whipped cream, all that sugar and chocolate, felt so at home in your body that they are now clinging to your bum.

Courtesy - Nike

Butt wait! It’s not always the posterior. It depends on whether you are an orange, an apple or pear. Fat spreads itself evenly in an orange, just like a well buttered toast. If you are an apple, it makes you a 38D and you have to bear with men having intense conversation with your boobs. And the pear is just about to bid adieu to the fatty deposits, till those pesky things discover her bum.

Imagine being compared to a fruit! And to add insult to injury is that skinny friend of yours, who eats like a horse and looks like a French bean. You are tempted to do an Amitabh Bachchan in Deewar, go to a mandir, cling to the ghanti and demand insaaf.

Science tells me my body stores fat for the sake of my child bearing hips. Excuse me! My child is an adult now who can’t stop complaining bitterly about her own imagined ‘weight gain’! So please, can I have my old butt back?

And you though it’s every girl’s dream to find the perfect guy. Bullshit! Her dream is to eat everything without getting fat. And don’t you try pacifying her with – I just love your childbearing hips.

P.S She hates her big bum.






P.P.S she’s insanely jealous of your skinny ass!