Kalmuddy Waters

Cacofonix  is down with a serious hangover from the games, hallucinating about the speech that Kalmadi never gave.

Namaste from Shoerace Kalmuddy! I love you all! With events now over, it is my pleasure to welcome you all to the Commonwealth Games credit-taking – no, I am sorry – thanksgiving ceremony. Among many distinguished guests this evening, we have Prime Minister Shri Manmohan Desaiji, His Highnesses Louise Phillip and Van Heusen from UK, and Princess Bloody Mary from Mexico.

Games have been Smashing Success, as you see from celebration of Australian athletes throwing washing machine and bathtub from 8th floor of games village. It is feat that Indian weightlifters will repeat in next game in Scotchland. I am thanking Smt Sonia Gandhiji in advance for making me head of that delegation because I like Scotch.

I thank Rahul Gandhiji for witnessing many sports events as common man in kurta, little beard and dimple. I am thanking him for not pulling me up for not sending him VIP tickets because ticket printer, imported from China, did not have manual in English or menu with Manchurian Chicken. It also did not have bill in English and we made mistake of paying more, confusing money and decimal point. I thank CAG in advance for understanding the reasons when they investigate.

My biggest thanks to people of Dilli. School and college was closed so students could practise for opening and closing ceremony dance, and could be volunteers for Shera with clean socks and armpits every day. Dilliwallas have s’ported sporting spirit by reducing traffic. No school bus. No U-special. No blue line. No car because no road remaining for non-CWG vehicles. No rickshaw because all rickshaw pullers gone back to Bihar and Bangladesh. Many people left city for holiday and are now happy, like respected Money Shankar Iyerji. He even told me I have a humorous middle. He is joker.



Games have been very good for Indian athletes with lot of medals. Many will cherish medals when they become old and sick, living in village in Haryana without premium soft toilet paper which they used during games. Some problems have been there like cobra snake in bathtub, diarrhoea bacteria in swimming pool, dengue mosquito in teacup and birdflu virus in chicken soup. But we gave free medical treatment to all visiting officials and athletes as Indian gesture. We did head replacement surgery for many people who said “you must be out of your mind to afford this!” We also included hip replacement and root canal treatment for athletes from Africa because they have lot of hippopotamus in their country and have to run in jungles and canals without underwear.

My thanks to all members of OC, MCD, DDA, ABC and DEF. For keeping mouth shut.

My thanks to the balloon. It has not passed gas all these days.

I hereby declare the 19th Commonwealth Games disclosed.