Let the games begin!

My overoptimistic guest blogger Cacofonix, is unfazed about the stink surrounding the Commonwealth games. He presents the perspectives and solutions as a true Indian.

It is just a conspiracy by western nations against India, as the secretary of the commonwealth games committee has confirmed. By white people who dare to say that their standards of hygiene are superior to ours and that the games village is filthy. For heaven’s sake, they are the ones who do not wash their bottoms, and instead use dry toilet paper for removing fecal matter after their ablutions. Fecal matter is a biological byproduct that unifies India by being visible all around, emerging from the behinds of all life forms, two-legged, four-legged or otherwise, squatting, hanging or otherwise. Our ancient texts teach us to treat all living forms with respect because our souls progress through several births, up the food chain. If, at the games village, a member of the canine family has chosen to deposit the said matter on a spotless bedspread from an Italian designer (purchased thoughtfully by Kalmadi-ji at Rs 4,500,000 apiece during one of his many visits to Europe to study the drainage systems there), we must not take the typically dim western view in describing it as ‘stray dog s*it’, but rather consider it as a natural action by a living being blessed with good taste, strongly indicating that its soul is close to being human. Not to forget the fact that the venue is a ‘village’, and in villages, things are done in the open.

By the way, it is these white westerners who really spoil their own dogs by feeding them holy cow meat, and ox blood, and dressing them up in tartan square kilts and bowties, and taking them to beauty salons and what not. So, you will agree that they are being hugely racist in describing canines in our country in a demeaning way, just because the dogs are dark-skinned and poor and do not have access to affordable healthcare. We are a democracy and our canine souls can do as they please. It is not a case of our country going to the dogs.

A foot bridge has collapsed in front of a stadium. There is such a fuss about it, even after the Chief Minister has confirmed in her press conference that this foot bridge was not meant for athletes. Especially white athletes. Three laborers may have died. But they were Indians and they were poor. So, it does not matter. An enquiry commission will look into the accident and confirm that it did not matter. The souls of the laborers have already moved into the highest human form for their next births and will get elected to Parliament. Or get employed by the police.

Image courtesy : Times of India

What the West does not possess is the ability and strength of character to make the most out of adversity. It is raining like nobody’s business in Delhi, around Delhi, in the plains, but mainly in the hills. Unlike what Eliza Doolittle would have liked it in Spain. The water table is on top of the roads rather than being below. Whatever road is left has a blue lane and a yellow lane and an orange lane marked for athletes (and they crib we don’t care for them). Mosquitoes are spreading dengue. We just need to scrap some of the usual western events and replace them with truly Indian ones that will capitalize on all the unexpected infrastructure, my top 5 being:

1. Mud Marathon: skip the painted tracks and enjoy jogging in the earthen lanes opened up by the rains. Runner accumulating the most mud on his body wins. Runner swatting the most mosquitoes on that mud gets an extra medal and a free vial of platelets.

2. 5000m hurdles: while the games lanes on the roads are being guarded for use by athletes’ vehicles, runners in the hurdles event jump over obstacles in the regular traffic lanes to reach their venues. Optional add-on hurdles for extra points – collapsed foot-bridges, collapsed stadium roofs, collapsed posters, collapsed curvy-at-wrong-places Kalmadi.

3. Monsoon Rowing: experience the majesty of the Yamuna as it gushes over (yes, over) the bridges in Delhi cleansing everything in its wake, including all fecal matter. First rowing team to make 100 metres, wins, rowing upstream. Lifeguards are being flown in by Lalit Modi from Bondi Beach.

4. Shadow Boxing: We cannot guarantee electricity at the boxing venues. Traditional Indian diyas will be held by devadasis by the boxing rinks. And boxers will have to punch the living daylights out of their opponent’s shadows.

5. Water Hockey: Westerners go nuts about Ice Hockey. Let us unleash Water. In fact, it’s already there on the hockey fields. Let them see that we Indians not only walk on water, but can also play ball on it.

Be a sport and let the games begin! When it comes to the games village, if you think it inhospitable, we will send you to a hospital. As they say about this hotel somewhere, “You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave”.