March-ing Ahead

The month started amidst much brouhaha. The nation expressed outrage at Hussain’s Qatarization. Why target Hussain? Don’t we have Raza in Paris, Vikram Seth in Salisbury and Amitav Gosh in New York? As Mondy Thapar rightly pointed out in HT , “All the shame and discomfort over the iconic artist giving up his Indian passport has little to do with Hussain no longer being an Indian passport holder and everything to do with him choosing Qatar as his country of abode”. Of all the gin joints in the world, Maqbool had to walk into a Gulf Kingdom!

March is also the month for the Budget. We Indians love our Budget and love analysing it. Actually, we love analysing everything. There were columns, debates and opinions galore, dissecting the how’s and why’s of the budget. I religiously stick to the illustrated guide for idiots with the up and down arrows; saves a lot of time and effort.

Women’s Day was observed on 8th March all over the world. Commercial establishments saw it as yet another business opportunity and wooed us with irresistible offers (free drinks, free makeovers whopping discounts). As always we were spoilt for choice. India got its first wine club exclusively meant for women. Wine, Women and Wit was launched is Mumbai this month. Hic hic hurray!

Battle lines were drawn for the Women’s bill ensuring 1/3rd reservation for women in Lok Sabha and state assemblies. The Kill-Bill was passed in Rajya Sabha amidst high drama. The house recorded a historic vote in its favour; Ms Mamata Banerjee mysteriously abstained from voting. But for me the original women’s Bill will always be Bill Clinton.

Katherine Bigelow made history after becoming the first woman to win an academy award for best director. Uma Thurman made history too, albeit of a different kind. Her latest movie “Motherhood” fetched only one viewer in London. It grossed a princely amount of 9 pounds.

A hot new profession is on the block. All you need to do is renounce the world publicly (what you do privately is entirely your business), sport long hair/beard/long flowing robes, claim to have performed a few miracles, get some sleazy politicos as your devotees (that shouldn’t be too hard) and voila you have a quick rich formula. You can grab land, run a prostitution racket and even get your devotees killed in a stampede. God will forgive all your sins.

Haryana cops on the other hand took professionalism to new levels. A bunch of them belonging to a Special task force created to counter terrorism and crime in Haryana were held for dacoity. Why let others do it, when we can do it ourselves. Good thinking there.

The craft of garland-making touched a new high. At a BSP rally held in Lucknow an anaconda-like garland made entirely of currency notes was presented to Mayawati, the party supremo. Speculations were rife over its actual value which led to CBI ordering an enquiry into her undisclosed assets. Behenjee, not to be left behind ordered an enquiry into the invasion of a swarm of bees which behaved in a most unbecoming manner at the rally; they had the audacity to hover around her. Apparently they found her too sweet and couldn’t keep off her.

Sheila Dixit, is making Delhites literally pay for the Commonwealth games. The government unleashed a tax whammy on its unsuspecting citizens: We will inconvenience you and charge you for it. The capital has been getting a drastic makeover for the impending Commonwealth games, rendering most roads and markets unusable. Getting stuck in traffic jams will now be so much fun, we can now happily observe our money going down the drain.

As we prepare for 250 days of summer the Met department made their customary prediction. When they say expect normal rains this year, you know exactly what not to expect. How the hell do they manage to unerringly err, each year?

Indian Railways has rewritten history and redefined boundaries. In an ad issued by the railway ministry, Delhi was shown in Pakistan and Kolkata submerged in the Bay of Bengal. First it was the Marxists, and now it’s Ms Banerjee who is taking the onus of sinking Kolkata to abysmal depths.

With the proposed entry of foreign universities in India we can expect a geographical shift of a different kind. We’re looking forward to an Oxford in Orissa and Massachusetts in Maharashtra.

Health experts have warned that chewing gum can give you wrinkles around the mouth. I am almost whooping in delight, not because my gum chewing neighbour will soon be looking like an old hag, but I will now have fewer of those on the sole of my shoes.

But the alarming news of the month is that men crave sex even in old age. The difference is most pronounced in the 75-85 age groups. Considering most of our politicos are in this age group, no wonder Mulayam Singh suggested that the Parliament will now be full of lusty old gents catcalling and whistling at the newly elected women parliamentarians. Maybe, the women can offer the ageing lotharios chewing gum as a placatory gesture? Just a suggestion 