How To Be An Asshole and still be Mistaken as God

Hello, my lovely disciples

Let me start by congratulating you for being a lucky bastard. Now now, don’t start fancying yourself as John Snow. Your case is different. You are blessed to be born in India and a time where despite free flowing spirits, spirits are at an all-time low and outrage at an all-time high. With the breakup of Suraj Barjatiya type of familial connections where even the dog is happy, families have become nuclear, happiness an elusive entity, satisfaction comes with no guarantee and everything you cherished is being relegated to history. You are often consumed with the fear of being part of the rootless and faceless herd, leading a life of perpetual consequence. And boy, you are so right!

Now that I have acquainted you with reality, don’t try to kill yourself or others by sharing your soppy poetry about your shitty life. If you follow my guidelines carefully, you can become the most powerful and wealthy asshole, with a following of millions ready to lap-up any bullshit you spew including achhe din. You don’t need degrees from elite institutions or be particularly gifted. All you need is a gift of the gab and a proclivity of making promises you have no intention of fulfilling. You have to master the art of making a fool of millions. Once you’ve achieved that, anything you do or don’t will be hailed as the best thing to have happened to mankind since chhole bhature.

Across the world religion is becoming the fastest growing business venture. Since there’s never a shortage of the gullible masses waiting to believe that their very existence is under threat from evil forces, all you need to do is prey on their fears and make them believe you are their saviour. If they don’t have it, create it. Mine on their ignorance and you will yield a rich harvest of unfounded fears and hostility towards one and all. Make them feel wronged, alienated. Then you can slowly take control of their lives by becoming their spiritual guide, psychologist, family confidante, semen donor and money launderer.

Remember, this is the age of instant noodles, news, outrage, opinion, love, breakups, fame and satisfaction. So why should salvation be left behind! If all it takes is two minutes to commit a grievous sin and make Maggi, it is unreasonable to wait a lifetime for moksha. And since God is like homeopathy, more faith than reality, it makes sense to look for the real deal in flesh and blood.

So here lies your opportunity for becoming their God. The one that can be seen, touched, heard, and is a one stop shop of redressal for all their grievances.

Also, India is teeming with the wronged classes. Wronged and exploited for centuries by a hierarchy that places some humans over others by virtue of their birth and wealth they accumulated, they are a miserable lot. They feel let down by the system, ignored by God and rightfully feel that life is unfair to them.

Since they have been convinced by Rahul Gandhi they need Jupiter’s escape velocity to free themselves from their sorry circumstances, the oppressed ones are now simply waiting for a charitable messiah to rescue them.

Now that we have earmarked your target audience who you can fool, let’s start with creating a past that’s purely fictional. It should be humble, spartan, full of hardships. If you have a family, RENOUNCE THEM NOW. No, no, not your Mom! Everyone loves a single man ready to devote his life for their welfare but the Mom is always useful to get awws from your followers.

Secondly you will need to rid them of the 330 million goddesses and gods that reside in their conscience. Remember, they are all your competition. You will have to discourage your devotees from worshiping anyone but you.

Sounds impossible, right? Especially in a country where fear of God is the opiate for the masses. Don’t worry. I will guide you through that as well. After all, I am your self-appointed goddess who has made it her mission to kickstart you to fakeness.

Before you embark on this ambitious mission, you will need a lot of rich followers who will readily donate money and land for your ashram. Finding rich followers is easy peasy. Once they know you are capable of murder, money laundering, shady deals, tantric practises, they will flock to you like flies to cowdung.

Remember the corrupt attracts the corrupt.

Your ashram will be a sanctuary where everyone who seeks your divine blessings will find succour. It will be an idyllic world not governed by rules framed by the society but you. Remember the depressed classes you rescued from Rahul Gandhi? Make them toil hard at your ashram. Make them believe they are serving God and you will get away by paying them peanuts. Make them toil hard at your farms and factories. While they are making batches of atta noodles with no atta for your millions of disciples turned customers and squeezing aloe vera juice in plastic bottles, drill into their heads that their messiah has rescued from a lifetime of oppression. Once they start believing it, they will quietly let themselves be exploited by you.

Later you can extract payment for the largesse of your heart by raping a dozen or two women disciples. It will add to your rakish appeal. For variety you can also prey on your rich female disciples. Don’t forget to shampoo your hair. Employing a darzi who will dress you like a toffee wrapper will give you a Godly appeal. 

You will have to float some weird ass stories about yourself. Like how you fell into a well and it threw you like lava from volcano. How roses turn into daisies when you touch them. That you never touch meat, alcohol, cigarettes and rape only occasionally.

It will look damn good on your CV.

Before they surrender their souls to you, ensure they leave their brains outside your gated complex. To find out if you’ve actually turned your disciples into brainless zombies, make them drink your piss as charanamrit, submit to castration while in the prime of life, bathe you in milk and later make kheer with it. Soon your followers will make you the sun of your lives, while they revolve around you ceaselessly.

Congratulations. You are now Night King with an army of zombies ready to kill or be killed for you.

Now would they need to kill on your behalf?

It’s simple. After decades of being worshipped by your disciples and the rich and powerful, you have conveniently thrown your guilt and conscience in the nearest drain. It is beneath your stature to be concerned about your ungodly actions and the havoc it creates. When you are the law, you are the first one to break the laws. While you preach about a life lived in "reasonable restraint", you will live opulently, drive flashy cars and move around with an army of commandos.

Since you are now being courted by politicians because of the influence you wield on masses, you become a megalomaniac. Once you share a mutual lick-ass relationship, both will look the other way when either is gleefully stealing, exploiting and getting their critics murdered.

But you are shrewd. You know you are nothing more than a glorified criminal and the mafia you run to control and subvert for your gains will eventually land you in trouble. Even though you have politicians ready to save your ample posterior in case you land in trouble, you build up your own army ready to take on the law.

And one day while you are busy humming your newest bhajan ‘love charger,’ shit will hit the ceiling and will fall all over you and your diamond juttis. After all there exists a real God who has been watching you in silence.

Your powerful bhakts will make sure you are flown in a VVIP chopper to jail. Your zombie army will wreak havoc just as you had instructed them to filling the rest of the country with loathing for you and your teachings that instigates your followers to burn and pillage.

While you are writing your memoir cooling your heels in jail, make sure you acknowledge my contribution in turning you into a power-hungry, greedy, sex fiend of an asshole. Do say hi to Assaram. He was always one of my favourite disciples. Tell him not to claim he is impotent, thus forcing poor constables to give him a massage only to see him rise like Phoenix from ashes. They are government employees, not his devotees.

Now keep chanting ‘I am a victim of a larger conspiracy.’ You will have to start believing it first before you brainwash your lakhs of disciples into believing this.

Toss well on your prison bed,

Cheerio,

Maa Purba