In His MataaJi’s Service

Courtesy - Twitter.com

Pahleaaj Cutwani, chief Censor Bore of India has the world’s toughest job. It’s not easy being the ‘maali’ of the Garden of Eden, relentlessly snipping and pruning amoral apples to keep Adam away from temptation. Adam is a gullible fool. He needs to be told what he wants and kept away from sin. Then there’s naughty Eve and her naughtier python, tantalising Adam with unnecessary skin show. For the greater good of mankind, Pehleaaj has tried several times to tempt Eve into wearing clothes. He even gifted her a Satya Paul sari. But that evil woman prefers draping the python, not around her unmentionables but her neck. Yeesh! Even that stupid python refuses to wear the cool designer Yoga wear that Cutwani bought from Baba Reebokdev store. I mean you have to be an idiot to refuse a miraculous garment that can cure piles, homosexuality, eczema and bad body odour with just a tug of the naarha.

Pehleaaj has appointed himself as the conscience keeper of the Garden of Eden (GE), even if it’s at the cost of becoming the butt of unkind jokes by immoral people who have nothing better to do. These are but small sacrifices you make when you are in His Majesty’s Service. Like the ordeal of having to watch that old man Craig kiss the older woman Belucci for such an excruciatingly long time. Since he could not see a mangalsutra around Monica jee’s neck, Pahleaaj Cutwani was quick to deduce they were not married.

What kind of culture allows elderly men and women to indulge in such brazen behaviour when they should be engaged in pooja-paath and satsang!

Of course, Pahleaaj was extremely upset. There’s no way he could let his great culture get corrupted by this lowly culture that makes such a show of lust. Imagine the catastrophic influence a man well into his 40’s, who has yet to marry, but is not a virgin and doesn’t stay with his parents, can have on the gullible Adam! What’s more, the shameless man beds a new woman every week without getting charged for rape!

Had Bond been brought up with right sanskars, he would never have let Halle Berry jee come out of the ocean half naked. Instead, he would have run up to her and said – behen, aapke ke pass kapde nahin hai?

Desi bond can never get the license to kill. In our Garden of Eden, to get one measly license, one has to fill 25 forms in triplicate and then bribe ‘different-different’ officers to get them do the work for which they are paid salaries from our taxes.

Pahleaaj Cutwani has made up his mind. Since it’s too late to change this dirty British agent 007, he will create his desi version who’ll be purer than Ganga-jal. Of course, he’ll have to collaborate with Sooraj Barjatiya to make it into a wholesome entertainment that the entire family can watch while munching Kurkure.

He’ll be called Prem, Prem Boondiwale. A halwai in the kingdom of Pritampur, he doubles up as a secret agent when business is slow. Since he’s a devout bhakt who fasts on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and refuses to indulge in non-veg activities on these days, his missions will take years to complete. By that time the villain will die of boredom, hence no need for unnecessary violence. Prem has only two true loves, his Maajee and his pet Pomeranian Barfi and he kisses neither of them. Not even chastely. The women of Pritampur call him Boondiwale bhaiyya and in his free time, he often plays antakshari with them. Prem’s favourite drink has to be Goumutra shaken not stirred, a sprig of tulsi tossed in carelessly. He will drive around in a Nano with seats still covered with plastic.

Prem’s Maajee is in fact M, the head of MI6 and he is employed in his MataaJi’s service. This will take care of the women’s emancipation angle.

If his mission demands he cavort with women from other lowly cultures, he will seduce them by lighting agarbattis in his bedroom and then introduce them to his Maa.

Cutwani can’t stop smiling. All the khadi yoga outfits that he’d bought for that ungrateful python can now be worn by Prem, his new hero, with no license to kill. His new flick will have 32 songs, including Diwali, Rakhi and Holi item numbers and 6 desh-bhakti geets that’ll be played at all parties for the next decade. He already has a list of movie titles – Casino Gayo Bhaad Mein, For Your Bhai Only, The Chaiwala Who Loved Me…. The script can always be written on set as the shooting progresses.

If only Pahleaaj Cutwani can issue a diktat that allows only him and Barjatiya to make films, he will turn GE into heaven. And if he makes sure his movies are like the bhakti video he made in honour of his Majesty, no one will ever feel like watching movies.

No bamboo, no flute.

Brilliant!