Why a Ban on Porn is the best thing to have happened to India

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United Nations has warned that India's population will rise faster than expected and beat China by 2022. Since our government is always in a hurry to achieve the unachievable, it promptly went ahead and banned over 800 porn sites. With so much spare time in hand, men and women will be forced to procreate to pass time and India will breach the target sooner than expected.

Thanks to their initiative, all of India, including the ones who never watched porn, now have a comprehensive list of 857 sites where they can watch porn.

30% Indian women, who according to a study watch porn online, are heartbroken. BJP spokesperson Hard Kaur Prawn Khanna has announced that the government will soon be coming up with a rehabilitation scheme for these women. An undisclosed source has claimed that it’ll involve watching a skimpily clad Baba Ramdev trying to kiss his own butt in a loop. Once satisfied, women will no longer be forced to ogle at hungry for attention men in shorts and tight shirts.

Now that Ministry of human resource and development is claiming Kamasutra is a book on Geometry since all it talks about is tryangles, youngsters will now have to rely on Chetan Bhagat books to educate them about sex.

Even though a majority has strongly condemned this ban that has deprived them of not only of achhe din but achhi raatein as well, all I see is the bright side. With no porn to watch, terabytes of data will be freed. Service providers like Airtel won’t have to hang their head in shame while claiming to offer broadband services. Teens will no longer be compelled to wait for their parents to go to sleep before they can switch on their laptop and log on to YouPorn. Parents can now walk into their progeny’s room fearlessly. Aunties can take a break from being every horny manboy’s fantasy and go back to their mundane existence. And men searching for Bong babes in sleeveless blouses can start visiting my blog again.

The government will not have to Google for 1001 flimsy excuses other than crop failure for farmer suicides. They can coolly blame the absence of porn.

Since it has emerged at least 2,50,000 attempts to visit porn websites were made on parliamentary computers last year, I am hopeful that our venerated MP’s and MLA’s will not be forced to stage a walkout for a porn-break.

Of course, there are some major concerns. It is learnt that Siemens has sent a letter to the government asking if they can expect a ban soon. Men named Hardik are wondering if they will have to apply for an A certificate. Since missionary has Christian connotations, couples are frantically enrolling for Baba Ramdev’s yoga classes to get more flexible.

Getting laid was never this strenuous.

Kamlesh Vaswani, the man who filed the PIL to ban porn is a happy man. With one swipe, he has got rid of pornography that’s worse than AIDS and Hitler put together. Thanks to his ceaseless crusade, innocent, susceptible, vulnerable women and children of India can breathe easy and access sites without fear of pop-up ads that show naked immoral men and women.

Now that India’s youth will be freed of the scourge of online porn, they will make better use of their hands and file public litigations against anything that irritates them – tolerance, respect, freedom to choose, personal liberty, the ability to laugh at oneself…The list is endless.

Since the government is training 3,000 beggars to sing paeans to Swachh Bharat, Beti Bachao, and other campaigns on local trains, I am hoping to bag free rides on Air India after writing this article. In fact, the government was so moved by it, they announced a partial lift on the ban even while I was writing it.

India can now feast their eyes on rustling sheets and imagine the rest of it.