An Open letter from Rahul Gandhi to a nation that refuses to acknowledges his genius

Image courtesy - Google Gandhi

Dear countrymen,

It’s been over a week since Mossad succeeded in their plans in annihilating the best thing that ever happened to your country – the Gandhis. Rahul Gandhi and his team has known for long that Israel was not happy with my Mum’s government. But boss, since when did our party start believing in anybody’s happiness other than ours! Our loss as usual is zero, Congress FTW.

Our employees on the other hand are convinced that it was Dentsu, the Japanese communication agency hired to sell me to the cattle classes that caused our downfall. Honestly, I don’t blame them. Rahul Gandhi has always known that India was not ready for his genius. Yet, he chose to make the supreme sacrifice for the sake of his subjects. Just like Grandma and Papa. It’s in our jeans.

He chose to dress in crumpled white kurtas when he could have worn Armani, campaigned in the dustbowls of the country when he could have gone go-karting. Ate dinner with Dalits, rendered India speechless with his speeches and forced the nation to look beyond his dimples. It requires the mind of a genius to calculate Jupiter’s escape velocity just for the sake of my Dalit bros. Who do you think I did it for! My Mom?

What’s more, I was always specific in a broader sense.

Rahul, India’s youth icon, its biggest hope, had a dream for India. He wanted to open up the system, empower its youngsters, and give them a voice. I empowered my Mom and gave her the reins of my career. Mom empowered herself and silenced Mannie Singh forever. I empowered my sis, and let her steal my thunder. She empowered her husband and made him a farmer. I promised empowerment to our people and transferred Mom’s poisonous power to that old man from Gujarat - the one who shall not be named.

Empowerment runs through our blood like a raging bull.

Rahul Gandhi disembowelled himself for his people and never let the smile leave his face. Just like any Supreme leader would have done for his people.

Mum thinks India is a funny nation. I kind of agree. Boss, you have to admire their sense of humour for choosing an old man over a handsome angel like me. But I told Mom, Rahul Gandhi is not ready to give up on his people. He knows his country is on the right track in recognising his genius. Like the guy whose name I forget says – First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win. After ignoring countless jokes about me, I know I’m ready to win.

Also, it wasn’t me who lost. After an intensive, soul-searching analysis of what went wrong in the elections, it was decided that old boy Mannie would accept responsibility for our defeat. Mom, the sweet soul she is, was kind enough to give him a farewell dinner. Me, I’d had enough of dinner with Dalits!

Right now my mind is a beehive of thoughts even though my heart feels like an elephant. But I will not sit back and rest and continue to toil endlessly for my Mom. I hate to see her cry as much as Salman Uncle. Power is poison but I’m prepared to drink it, just for my Mom. Like my favourite author Paulo Picasso says - “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” And I have achieved the impossible.

I beseech my fans not to lose hope. Rahul will be back on a horse, the Sun in the background and fix everything. There are a billion people waiting. He will come and everything is going to be fine again.

He knows what he wants to do, is what millions of youngsters want in this country. . . He knows how happy they feel when they hear his speeches. Speeches is in my blood, it runs through my veins, it’s in my shirt, in my pants and I shall continue to make my countrymen happy. That's the heart of my politics. Unlike your new leader, one who shall not be named, who cried while giving a speech after getting elected as the new PM….Lol, what an idiot!

I carry the terrible burden of being the youth icon of India at the age of 44. Trust me, it’s not easy looking youthful at this age. Rahul Gandhi is prepared to stay young and childlike for the sake of his country. Like poverty, youth is a state of mind, if you don’t mind. This reminds me, I must ask Mom, now that we’ve lost the elections and blamed Manmohan for it, can I wax my chest and flaunt it with my pink pants just like Robert?  I want to be a Pink Pant-her too, like Jeejajee!

I’ll finish my address with my favourite quote from my favourite person – Hindustan Ek Soch hai. Hindustan Ek Jagah Hai... Magar Hindustan Ek Soch Hai….

Keep regretting people………