Axe Them If You Can't Beat Them

Also on The Unreal Times

It was a fateful morning when Kumari Ashanti Kumari (KAKU), chief agitator of Peedhit Nari Bachao Yojana, chanced upon a revolutionary product. A spray that claims to make ugly, jeans hanging-underwear-showing, hormonal and insecure boys, desirable to all the hot aunties of their locality, but in reality does exactly the opposite. Mostly preferred by boys who think bathing is so last century and attempt to mask their body odour by dousing themselves with copious quantities of this deodorizer, they are able to have a universal effect on women – make them breathless.

What a divine coincidence that this product is called Axed!

A light bulb lit up right above KAKU’s head! What if she could tweak the deodorant’s chemical components and make it stink so bad that when sprayed on oneself, it makes people around you literally breathless and senseless! With a spray that makes you reek like an open manhole, she could save her sisters from the clutches of lecherous men with no self-control or conscience.

After months of painful research and development, she finally had a product that could make you smell like a Mumbai commuter’s armpits. Ashanti sprayed 177 girls of all shapes and sizes with this vile product and discovered much to her delight that it had the desired effect on men! It knocked their breath out of their lungs.

When KAKU shared this good news with her fellow comrades-in-arms-without-bangles, they collapsed with euphoria. These women had finally found a product that was more potent than pepper spray, pen knife and karate kick put together. What more could a woman ask for than a sleek can that can easily fit in her purse and is deadly enough to protect her from men incapable of keeping their tool inside their pants!

It was decided to name this revolutionary, path-breaking product S-Hit.

With the launch of S-hit, womankind could finally start attaching wings to their dreams and live happily ever after without having to worry about libidinous relatives, colleagues, fellow commuters, auto-wallahs, bus-drivers, pizza delivery boys, etc. etc. Sant Sri Ass-aram Bapu can stop the sale of his anti-rape Bhaiya kit and get back to advising his followers on more pressing matters like settling property disputes and bearing a baby boy after attempt number 25. Parents can finally extend the curfew hours for their daughters. Sheila Dixit can stop blaming others for the alarming rise of rape cases in Delhi. Delhi Police can stop blaming rape victims for being a woman. Mamata Banerjee can take a breather from calling all rape victims, Maoists. And women can start walking the streets without fear stalking their minds.

Wow, who could have thought that cooling hot and bothered men was so easy!

Just a word of caution – women are advised to firmly clip their noses before spraying themselves with S-Hit.

On the auspicious occasion of Dussehra, Peedhit Nari Bachao Yojana unveiled S-Hit on their brand new website www.lets-axe-the-men.com. 356865757 women liked it, 53686575 called it awesome, 56865 placed order for the deodorant and 678543287 men claimed they weren’t asking for it.

Interestingly, it also caught the fancy of headache enthusiast wives, husbands seeking solitude during IPL season, bechari bahus trying to escape tyrannical mothers-in-law and people who wanted to keep their house guest and pest free!

S-Hit - one solution to five problems! What an idea, KAKU jee!

Just a week later, www.letsaxe-the-men.com crashed because of unusual number of hits from the Police force. It was later discovered that the men in uniform are planning to junk water cannons and lathis with extra-large cans of S-Hit to use against restless Indians fighting for change.

Wow, who would have thought muting outrage was just a spray away!

www.axe-the-men.com will soon be coming out with a brand fragrance Holy S-hit! A revolutionary spray that will make you stink like India’s biggest drain –the Yamuna.