Assaram Clears Juvenile Test with Flying Colours

 This post was published on The Unreal Times, dated September 4, 2013

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Since it’s mandatory in our country for all sexual offenders to be juveniles especially if they are expecting little or no punishment, Jodhpur Police issued a search warrant for Baby Assaram’s birth certificate. The controversial Baby has been in news lately for molesting a 16 year old girl. Assaram in true spirit of the guilty denied all charges. After all he’s been touching many lives and their wives inappropriately for decades and has received nothing but adulation, donations and unnecessary security cover from the government!

A staunch defender of bhaiyagiri and its effectiveness against rape, the self-styled godman tried to do his bit for women’s equality by sharing the blame equally with his teenaged victim. Incidentally Assaram has always had an interesting relationship with young boys and girls. He either gets them chopped into pieces or tries to rape them! He also specializes in grabbing land and women foolish enough to be his devotees.

In our country only a man with such impeccable credentials enjoys political patronage and his many offences are treated with selective deafness and blindness.

With so many feathers in his cap, it’s shocking that Assaram doesn’t look like a peacock! But what’s more shocking is his appearance that belies his descending age. The bushy greys framing his innocent face effectively camouflage his youthfulness. It is a terrible tragedy that despite using Saundarya nikhar and Kesh Poshak, bestselling herbal remedies by his own ashram, the Guru of all things nasty looks so old and wrinkled. He’s now contemplating switching over to Madhuri Dixit’s secret to youth – Olay Regenerist.

But who cares for a septuagenarian body if the mind and libido is still in a juvenile state!

Unfortunately in India, nothing is accepted till it is certified by a gazetted officer in triplicate. Even sex crazed Gurus are subjected to hand jobs to determine their potency.

Assaram initially objected to any cross-examination, and even asked doctors why they were doing such an “unholy” thing. He, however, changed his mind after a few minutes of persuasion and told them that the soul was “anashwar” (immortal), so they could do to it whatever they wanted.

A doctor said that various steps are taken to carry out a juvenile test. “One is to cause stimulation of private parts of the cranium through naughty images. The other is to inject drug stimulators. In Assaram’s case, all he needed was stimulation to rise to the occasion and passed the test with flying colours. Unfortunately, the doctors who carried out the test passed out and are refusing to regain consciousness,” he said.

After his meritorious performance, His Holiness’ status has now been upgraded to his His Assholiness. Baby jee’s disciples promptly celebrated this momentous occasion by setting three police vans on fire. His ashram, meanwhile, has announced that women will be issued complimentary Meet and Mate Assaram passes for an uplifting experience.

Rumour has it that Baby has been approached by Viagra to be their poster boy. When contacted, His Assholiness refused to comment as he was busy watching Miley Cyrus’ riveting performance at the VMA. Later he sent her a friendship request on Facebook, which she turned down because she felt she was too old for him.

In other news, N D Tiwari, encouraged by Baby Assaram’s experience, has forwarded his application for a delinquency test. The medical team is on the lookout for a new pair of hands for the stimulating examination.