Heir He Is

I make my debut on The Unreal Times, to rejoice the birth of the Royal Baby. Reproducing the post here for your reading pleasure.

Hours after a terrified Salman Khan saw Taher Shah running towards him and hugged Shahrukh in panic, the Duchess of Cambridge went into the world’s most awaited labour, at St Mary’s hospital. Meanwhile, Britain saw its biggest Labour party right outside the hospital. It mostly comprised of eagerly waiting news anchors and cameramen who hadn’t shaved and bathed for days. It was reported that they raised quite a stink.

Blame the Royal Baby or rather his 0.0000000067% Indian genes. When the baby finally deigned to make an appearance, it was at Indian Standard Time, more popularly known as aap 5 minute ruko, main paanch din mein ayaa! But when the RB (Royal Baby) did arrive, it got more coverage than Uttarakhand floods, Arizona wildfires and the Egyptian revolution – aII put together. And why not! In a world plagued by constant strife and struggle, where hope is like a lone fallen branch in gushing waters, Royal Baby is our only hope for a brighter future. Even the hopeless Indian Rupee rose by 7 paise to celebrate the royal delivery!

When the exhausted but ecstatic Kate held up RB and murmured “your heir has arrived”, she did confuse the balding Prince William who briefly thought the wig he had ordered online from Tirupati has made an appearance.

The overjoyed couple has decided to name their baby Prince of Wails till the Royal family takes its time to choose from George, Henry, Charles and Harry, for their new heir. It has also been reported that Aishwarya Rai has air dashed Kate a crate of Abu-Jani’s trademark cavernous designer dresses to help hide her royal bigness. To help her shed post-partum weight, Baba Ramdev will be flying in his private jet to help Kate fold herself into half and reunite with her toes. The Duchess has also asked the Royal aide to book her tickets for Ajmer Sharif, to pray that her sonny boy doesn’t end up with Grandpa Charles’ looks and destiny.

Haryana’s Khap Taus have hailed Kate as the ideal bahu and have requested her to keep popping out sons in the future. They have also sent her their secret recipe to kill unwanted daughters by Telegram. Since the telegram is now resting in peace, the message is expected to walk all the way to Kensington Palace.

Meanwhile, our esteemed Maunmohan Singhji sent a hurried congratulatory note to Britain’s first family. It was later discovered that he had accidently condemned the birth of the Royal Baby and had declared that his government will take all steps to bring the culprits to book. Buckingham Palace is yet to issue a statement.

Manish Tewari, Congress spokesperson has already declared the Royal Baby as secular. Not be left behind, Narendra Modi, to show his solidarity with new-borns, will courier a puppy for the Prince in waiting.

In the meantime, India is still waiting for their Clown Prince to deliver.