Lamentations of a Grammar Nazi

Grammar is knowing the difference between your shit and you're shit and who knows it better than Trisha's tortured soul ? To empathize with her  anguish, you are requested to leave grammatically challenged comments. 

Let the fun begin!

Courtesy - Google images

Do you remember the day you lost your first pet? When the project you worked so hard for fell into a puddle? Think of any time when the world seemed to be less wonderful, when the Gods themselves seemingly turned against you. Put yourself back in that moment. How did you feel? Crushed, morose, disappointed or even suicidal? Well now you feel a quarter, nay a tenth, of the pain any language purist feels. Welcome to our world, initiate.

Our days may seem to start like the rest of humanity’s, but underneath the coffee haze and bleary eyes, we are steeling ourselves. We look into the mirror, tell our reflection that all is not lost; that out ‘there’ people are not ruthlessly abusing and butchering our one true love; that things have gotten to the point where they cannot get worse. Yes, we say, we WILL have a positive outlook today!

But the real world is never gentle with my kindred. Forget those who aren’t English speakers (bless them). No, I’m talking about people who have the audacity to ask you to lend them your “stationary”. You thought they were your friends. You shared your deepest fears, your darkest secrets with them. To these...these traitors, I say, “My stationary what?” The day has barely begun for your average Grammar Nazi. When we want to watch a funny video, there are enlightened comments such as, “OMG!.....hez so awsum lol...I laf so hardddd!!!” When we check Facebook, someone posts a touching story along the lines of (bear with me, this is a long one. Oh, and it’s real)-

“bf n gf were siting at a table...dey were haeving a conversatein. da gurl sed 2 da boy “bbz will u luv me 4ever?”

boy said “NO....” girl was sad

she ran away n cryed

she triped over a CHAIR.

she was ded.

boy ran over to pic up her body

he wisperd in her ear “i meant to say...ill love you 5ever.”

dat meen he luv her moar dan 4ever.”

Don’t even get me started on the completely skewed morals in this poorly put-together babble (they most certainly are not words). The unnecessary ellipses (aka dot dot dot) in this paragraph, if converted into drops of water, are enough to supply a small village for a week. The shift/Caps Lock keys are clearly not working in this individual’s keyboard, and his/her PC seems to be infected by a deadly virus that converts “Th” to “d”. Oh, and what is “ded”? Is it a state of non-existence that is more permanent than death? You will NOT believe the amount of red on my screen as I write this.

Anyhow, I digress. My point is: where once bad grammar and spelling were restricted to our day-to-day interactions with a small group of individuals, social media and expanding telecommunications have made it an inescapable reality. The problem is not even education (or lack thereof) or social stratification. Many of these people come from good families; have been educated in the hallowed classrooms of the most reputed schools. It started with SMS language, but it’s no longer restricted to our mobile phones. It’s everywhere- even certain brands advertise using text message lingo. Many people are under the impression that it’s ‘cool’ (or cul/kool). While I by no means want everyone to speak in archaic Victorian English, all I ask is that you respect a language enough to not mutilate it. Cherish those poor abandoned commas, periods and colons. Stop abusing those exclamation marks, they need some rest. Don’t force together letters that do not belong with each other.

Language is music. A well-constructed sentence is heavenly sonata. A haphazard conglomeration of letters is like the sound you get when you run your nails over a blackboard, or like the sound of a face hitting the road after I have punched it.

Finally, I ask that you be more patient with us. Please don’t respond to our helpful corrections with “Your a bich, my grammer in fyn. Get a lyf.” For us, bad English is a physical and psychological discomfort. Our nightmares are haunted with lost apostrophes and errant ellipses. Our personal relationships are always at risk due to our neurotic auto-correct habits. For us, the only reprieve is the hope that we will find another who is as obsessed, as head-over-heels in love with grammar as we are, someone with whom we can grow old with (Grammar Granny and Grammar Grandpa, or two grandpas, or two grannies. Hey, love has no bounds) and a shoulder to cry on when a stranger tells us to “Plzz lyk dis page”. We are also human, albeit with a super-tuned sense of clear language. Also, please use spell-check. Thank you!

Viva la Grammaire!