Dear Cheeky ke Mom and Daddy,
Let me start by congratulating you for creating a miracle – your baby. Even though I don’t see your child with the same pair of rose-tinted eyes, I can assure you s/he is almost as adorable as you think. Her smile can turn the articulate to gibberish. Her beautiful eyes can light up even the darkest heart. She is cute as a button, till she opens her mouth to express her displeasure.
She wanted boo boo and you couldn’t get it for her. So, she’s doing what she does best. Scream. And why not - your Princess is not used to being disobeyed!
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| Courtesy - Google images |
Her high pitched scream makes your hear palpitate with terror. You are even willing to swing upside down to stop that horrible noise. So, you do what you do best, fetch boo boo for her to make her shut up.
God forbid, if you are in a mood to be brave and decide to ignore, she will promptly raise her decibel levels and give you a migraine attack. Suddenly you start feeling the heat of at least a dozen pair of eyes boring into your back and accusing you silently for having created this monster.
If looks could kill, you would have died a thousand deaths.
Sorry, it’s all your fault. In your earnestness to be a good parent, you turned yourself into her personal genie. You wanted to be her superhero, moved mountains, jumped ditches and danced like a clown to fulfil her demands. And now she has you wrapped around her little finger. She knows the power she has over you and uses it to her fullest.
A generation of parents has forgotten how to say no to their kids. Born after much deliberation and planning, the apple of their eyes is treated like royalty. Buying the best the money can buy, lavishing their kids with everything that they were denied as children, new-age parenting leaves no stone unturned to keep their progeny happy.
Don’t worry, it will become worse as she grows older. You will place your little darling on a pedestal, applaud her every little achievement and tire everyone with your bragging. Most of you are under the impression, that by heaping praise, you are building your child’s confidence and sense of self. On the contrary, too much praise can backfire. It makes your kid afraid to try new things for fear of letting you down.
You are unknowingly conveying to her that she has to get your approval all the time and constantly look at you for validation.
You will worry incessantly on her behalf, do your best to keep her away from danger, won’t let her out on her own, fight her battles on her behalf, cry with her… Fair enough! But you must know, paranoid parents raise paranoid kids.
In other words, you are raising a generation of wimps and narcissists and passing your fear of risk to them.
If you don’t let her skin her knees, let her fall and fail, face her darkest fears alone, how do you expect her to face the world on her own? Outside your cocoon of love, she will face a harsh world and you cannot be always around to protect her. Raise her to be a fighter and not a delicate Barbie.If you love her, listen patiently to her arguments rather than dismissing it as rebellion, value her opinions and most importantly treat her with as much respect as you expect from her. Only when you treat her like a responsible adult will she behave like one.
Start with learning how to say no to her. Don’t let her manipulate and negotiate till she gets her way. You ask her to switch off the TV and she makes a puppy face and says- please Ma, 10 more minutes? Reason with her, tell her with a firm tone why she can’t watch Cartoon Network all the time. If she throws a tantrum, don’t get upset and never negotiate. It’s very important to set a clear, firm limit. If she sulks and throws a fit, let her know her behaviour isn’t going to get her what she wants.
Saying yes is always the easier way out, but not putting up with her nonsense will always pay rich dividends in the future. Do you want your child to grow up to be a tantrummy woman, used to getting her own way by manipulating others? Show your love by teaching her that best things in life are never handed on a platter, you have to earn them.
Love has many manifestations, but pampering her and bending backwards to accommodate her unreasonable demands is certainly not one of them. Praise her efforts and not the outcome. If she toiled nights on a project and still didn’t walk away with the award – don’t console her, laud her for the hard work! Teach her to be happy and not how to make you happy with her accomplishments.
We talk about leaving a better planet for our children that we forget about leaving better children for this planet. Educate your children. Say no to them every once in a while.
Very nice and well written...absolutely agree to the point...parents should know the dividing line between love and pampering.
ReplyDeleteLove often makes us blind, especially when it's our own flesh and blood.
DeleteAbsolutely true, we the parents have totally forgotten that NO is a 2 letter word and needs to be used without fear. Really good line leaving better children for the planet.
ReplyDeleteIronically, kids have scant respect for parents who bend backwards to accommodate their demands.
DeleteCan't agree more. As the spending power of parents increase, the word "No" is almost seen as an equivalent to bad parenting. Children should definitely hear Nos from their parents when they cross their boundaries.
ReplyDeleteAnother fabulous post.
Joy always,
Susan
Thank you, Susan.
DeleteI feel we are becoming too soft on our kids. It's a tough world out there and we need to teach them how to survive on their own.
The consequences of saying YES or NO to their children is very well known to parents.A very tricky situation to face but comes with apt handling.
ReplyDeleteAnd some tactful advice from parents.
DeleteThat last line was wonderful and a fitting climax to a great post, Purba - 'leaving better children for the planet'!
ReplyDeleteSadly, the line is not mine. Had read it long time back :-)
Deleteahhh..a seamless read :)
ReplyDelete"If looks could kill, I would have killed a thousand lives !"
If wishes were horses......
DeleteAgree, agree, agree. Frankly there are occasions when we are scared to say No. But we shouldn't be.
ReplyDeleteWe make too big a deal about failures!
Deletevery well said and written too. Today's children are impatient and need their wishes fulfilled at an instant. Needs to be changed. Nice article :)
ReplyDeleteYeah. Totally agree. I m trying to do it since long. Hope to do it more.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Totally agree. I m trying to do it since long. Hope to do it more.
ReplyDeleteIndeed. Our children deserve the best of us.
DeleteTotally with you.
ReplyDelete:-)
DeleteKids, you will have to be a kid to beat them at their own game. Don't give up until they do. :) Nice read.
ReplyDeleteOh yes! Most of them are master manipulators :-)
DeleteMy God, I had no idea you personally knew that demon child next door from us!
ReplyDeleteYou have articulated all that I have in my mind about this (me being SINK - Single Income No Kids). The last line (and the title) especially.
Rickie! I wanted to advocate spanking. Meri taraf se do jhapad to your nightmare next door.
DeleteI wonder what prompted this post :p you are right though .. Kids must get used to hearing No from their parents once in a while. We are leaving brats for our planet these days !
ReplyDeleteAh! the annoying brats unleashed on us from time to time, while the parents conveniently look the other way.
DeleteWonderful post. Totally agree :)
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteI want to clap clap clap on reading this. How I so agree to every word of yours. I don't boast to be a perfect parent and that my kids are the most disciplined ones in the world. But how true it is, what you have said. I have seen my own friends do the same that you have mentioned. I don't know where this pampering leads to! I keep getting from my son, you are the only one who doesn't give me junk food..you are the only one that...this...bull shit...etc..the more only ones I get, I think now the better I should feel :) OMG!! my lil devil daughter is going to come back from a one yr stay in India, have to articulate new tricks to tame her..She's a handful!!
ReplyDeleteOnce your son grows up, he will appreciate you for who you are.
DeleteMother-daughter reunion? How delightful!
You have no idea that you have touched the soft spot of many young mothers :)
ReplyDeleteJust curious how many kids do you have and how old are they?
If they are in the age group of 0-5 .. I bow to you... however, if they are in their teens or above, then I would just say, sorry mam you just don't know.
Ofcourse, you have experience, and you have been there done that.. so you have every right to write or advice.
As for people who don't have kids, I think they should not say anything on this...again cos they don't know what it's all about.
Times have changed, so has the society and so have the children.
Sometimes, there is a sort of helplessness attached when it comes to this discipline.
Eg.1. one of my friend's 3 years old son, he starts throwing up if cries/screams a lot. She has to sometimes give in cos she can't let him cry because he has this tendency. How can she do it when she is out..if he will start throwing up in a mall or some other such place?
Eg. 2 there are children who suffer from various allergies , runny nose, coughing which ultimately leads to wheezing...nd so on. If their children cry too much they may start to have all that...again a runny nose...and the cycle.
I am not saying there is anything wrong in what you have written..totally agree. Just wanted to tell the point of view of some of the parents..who get helpless...
A mother wants her little ones to be healthy..and if they are not..all the other things go for a toss...if you are a mother you will understand as for people who don't have children yet..you can never understand..
An opinion will always have counter-opinions. And I respect yours. However, I feel for your child to toughen up, it's you who has to be tough. Yes, it might break your heart, you will feel guilty but caving in to unreasonable demands doesn't help much.
DeleteSome good advice of bringing up children.
ReplyDeleteThis is just my opinion.
DeleteWhat a coincidence, Purba to read this post on a day when I read an article on one of the richest billionaire, Warren Buffet, who still lives in a 58 years old house with just 5 rooms and has donatred 30 billion USD in charities! The noveau rich like to flaunt and pamper their children who actually need spanking sometimes rather than gross indulgence!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to say, but Indian parenting leaves a lot to be desired. We tend to mollycoddle our kids.
DeleteCompletely agree. I know a person, who kept her son of two years inside the house from November onwards until mid February because it was winter and cold outside. She dint want her son to catch cold. I have a son of the same age who looks for every opportunity to go out. Because children like to play outside. This child in question, once came to my house and his mother faked calls to her mobile and lied that his Daddy called and was waiting outside so that the son would agree to go with her. Otherwise this child, if he learns that it is time to leave is terrified because he had been in the same living room of his house for months. Winter, it seems. What kind of parents are these? I hope that woman reads this post !
ReplyDeleteDoesn't she know, she's doing him more harm than good! Protecting him from allergies, extreme weather conditions will only bring his immunity down.
DeleteBy the way she was a nurse and now a housewife ;-)
DeleteI had a cousin once whose son used to bang his head against the wall if he didn't get his way! She used to give in each time. Then, one day, just as he had started it, her mom firmly took her by her hand and led her out of the room. After some time, the banging stopped because the audience had disappeared! And, gradually these tantrums ceased as well.
ReplyDelete'I had a cousin once'?! Um....she's still there! Oof!!!
DeleteThese tantrums are staged for attention!
DeleteThank God, her Mom finally intervened.
A very well written post..........
ReplyDeleteDebnature
Kenfolios
Thank you.
DeleteHm.. Nice sensible article. Like the article but for a moment I was confused if I was on your blog or Rachna's blog.
ReplyDeleteLol! I am allowed to give parenting advice, no?
DeletePeople aren't raising flesh and blood kids nowadays Purba. They are raising hot- house plant which would wither away by a single no. I have seen kids who throw terrible tantrums- which parents give in to..! Twice I have seen (different) kids just lie down in the floor of the mall and begin screaming. Once I saw a child run out of the car and lie down in the middle of the road.
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for such children. Their parents should be shot and then hung for good measure. To give no structure to a child..! To turn a beautiful child into a vile creature! Bad parenting should be a punishable offense..!
Oh don't mind me! I hate to see waste. And to see a human potential wasted is more than I can bear!
LOVED this.
I remember reading somewhere, a child's behaviour is simply a reflection of his parent's attitude.
DeleteIt becomes a catch-22 situation - the more you pander to his whims, the more demanding he becomes!
wow! i did not know parents have changed so much these days.
ReplyDeleteI cannot say anything here as I do not have any kids yet. But I think I agree with you.
1) Children should be loved and not pampered (little pampering is good but should know where to draw lines).
2) Children should be applauded for their good works and achievements (in my case, my mother suppresed whatever i did by saying 'we should not think about our acheivements too much as our acheivements should be applauded by others and not by ourselves.' Even today, whenever I get applauds from my husbands and others, I say, 'nothing big deal really' nad become sombre. But I cant help. My state is exact opposite to being narssicist.
3) Children should learn the value of money which is very important. Send them to get some summer jobs.
4) Should let go of them. Mollycoddling will only result in weak hearts and cowards.
Ok, so lets see how i will handle my kid, if i have one :-)
I had a strict upbringing and resented my mother's critical attitude towards me. But now that I have grown up, it has made me realize how much it shaped my personality. I don't get easily carried away by praise. I always question the motive.
Deletei agree completely with you..even though i am yet to have my own..the kids these days are so undisciplined and parents are totally not inclined to say No to them!!
ReplyDeletebtw, why is the kid referred to here is SHE?? :P
"She" is symbolic. It is tough to write he/she sentences, so I preferred sticking to one gender :-)
DeleteGreat pointers for my future... and an amazing blog, btw... I read some of the posts from the archives and such engaging contents you have there, I can relate so much to them.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant !! *claps*
Jeez! this is embarrassing. High praise always leaves me fumbling for words. Will a simple thank you suffice?
DeleteI was thinking of a Maach-bhaat treat but.. "thank you" will do for now :v
DeleteI hope my parents never read this! Now I feel I was on a verge of being a brat! :D
ReplyDeleteInformative piece for youngsters like me and a reality check for the older generation :)
The only son syndrome? But you've turned out fine :-)
DeleteHa Ha thanks! Now, I want them to read your comment :)
DeleteYes , it is very irritating to see children brought up like this. We used to have a very good Punjabi couple, who had two very naughty kids. Whenever we used to get a whiff of them coming to our house we used to quickly hide all the breakable things from their sight. Once, we were unprepared for their visit, and the elder one of two, named aptly "Happy", was very happy to get hold of one of our clocks, and broke it to pieces, and to this the mother says, "Chota hai abhi todaga, but hokay engineer banke jodhaka", so I suppose we have to wait till he grows up and repairs our unrepairable clock. Her logic was pretty funny. However, those naughty boys did grow up to become intelligent boys who topped in their chosen field and have become responsible parents and great innovators. That is something isn't it?
ReplyDeleteNot all pampered children grow up to be lacking in self confidence etc.
But somehow we were never brought like that, though we have not had success like them.
I somehow feel that let these pampered children behave as they want in their own homes, but when they come out they better behave themselves or stay at home.
I have two grown up kids they were always well behaved, but whether they would follow the same pattern when they have their own kids I cannot guarantee.
Recently i visited my married daughter in Mumbai,who started giving me a lecture on many things: I need to improve myself, and be the person I always wanted to be, and not to expect things to fall magically on my lap, and so on, I listened to her with rapt attention, and agreed to each and every advise given by her, as if she was my mother, and said , that I will try to do the things so rightly pointed out by her.
I feel it doesn't matter where the advise comes from, if it is good one must take it in the right spirit. I also felt happy that I had brought my children with good values. BTW, even now when i hear some naughty children of friends and relatives are visiting , I hide everything, for I just cannot think of letting them break all my precious collectibles.
Nice write up Purba.
That's beautiful philosophy to follow - "I feel it doesn't matter where the advise comes from, if it is good one must take it in the right spirit". I hope everyone reads this.
DeleteI agree with Purba on this :-)
DeleteA lovely post !. I think it the toughest task in the world, bringing up disciplined kids.The parents need to be disciplined first. The first three years are trying, and only patience and immense love for the child's future can help parents.
ReplyDeleteMost of our young parents are sadly lacking in these qualities.
Parenthood is no cakewalk and comes with no instruction manual. We learnt by trial and error and listening to sane advice.
DeleteSince they have to hear a lot of No's in the future, might as well start preparing them early!
ReplyDeleteWhy isn't this post on parentous.com? I need to send this to one dozen friends! I have noticed that many kids despite such bad parenting grow up fine. So we have some hope for the planet :-|
ReplyDeleteLet the flicker of hope keep burning!
DeleteLoved your post Purba.
ReplyDeleteYeah-shield,cuddle cosset & pamper for all you are worth;till the outside world throws a spanner in this beautiful dream.
If only they would take time out and listen to what the world has to say to them. Not all criticism is bad.
DeleteVery true Purba. Loved the last line most "leaving better children for this planet."
ReplyDeleteThanks :-)
DeletePurba, I am a confused mom currently. The way I was brought up and my social conditioning taught me that kids should be spanked and brought up; But my rebellion against the strict way I was bought up made me decide that I would never do that to my kid.
ReplyDeleteI read your post and cannot argue with it.
I read this post http://sandradodd.com/spoiled and could not argue with it either.
So I understand it depends on a parent's ability to judgment when we should say 'yes' and when to say 'no'. It's a really tough job.
True...really..."it depends on a parent's ability to judgment when we should say 'yes' and when to say 'no'". Every child is different...
DeleteThanks for the link
Nidhi
Your child is like sand. Hold him too tight or too loose and he will slip out of your hands.
DeleteI am not advocating that you take the extreme path and start spanking him. Just don't let your love for him make you blind to his follies :-)
Usually I don't read non-tech blogs but the headline was little catchy, so came here and found it worthy to read.
ReplyDeletei must say you have very great skills to portray your thoughts in visualized words.
keep writing and sharing good articles like this.
promoted at indiblogger :)
Much appreciate your kind words.
Delete:D. Any time. Sometime you should read my teach blogs too hehehhe
DeleteOutstanding post !
ReplyDeleteMy wife's a school teacher...and apparently it's taboo to punish kids these days
ReplyDeleteHere's more:-
a) Kids cant be failed in any exam till grade 9
b) No rap on the knuckles or harsh admonishment of kids in front of others...no matter how badly they behave
c) A troublesome boy "probably has issues at home/is a victim of abuse/needs counselling/parents are at fault/is lonely". He/she is definitely not doing it for fun
d) yada yada
I'm not saying a) to d) are not valid. I'm only saying complete dependence on them will either create wimps or socially harmful elements.
There needs to be some balance
Cheers
CRD
Do visit mine
Yes, painfully aware of it. Taught high school kids for over a decade.
DeleteToo often I have come across parents who give their children everything that money can buy because they themselves had had to do without. That is as bad as forcing one's ambitions on one's children. If one spoils, the other puts incredible pressure on them. I had done a post on how Vikki used to call me 'A bundle of No'es', when he was growing up :)
ReplyDeleteIt breaks a mother's heart to say No to her own. But only a strong woman will abide by it because she knows it is for her child's good.
DeleteThis feels so much like my kind of article, Purba :). So many thoughts that I feel and endorse. And I remember sharing this quote about leaving better children for the planet on FB too some time back. Makes so much sense no. Arre, mere bachche toh get spanked right then and there. Discipline is important, and bad children are a reflection on bad parents and parenting. Maa ke laadle se pehle maa baap ko sudharne ki zaroorat hai. Well written.
ReplyDeleteLike the "Fool" suggested, my post read like one of yours :D
DeleteI see this happening with so many kids. At home they are pampered and once they step out of the house they are the ultimate terrors not for the parents alone but for others as well. The child is so used to getting her way at home that she throws a fit when she's at another person's house and insists on possessing something that's not her own. She finds this behavior acceptable because she gets away with it at home! I feel all good lessons should start at home including not doing everything for your kids, making boys do their own chores (this hardly happens which is why they become so lazy and expect the girls to do it for them later in life), teaching girls how to be independent etc. This doesn't mean you spank them whenever they do something wrong. I am dead against that. Ignoring them is the key here.
ReplyDeleteSometimes ignoring works, sometimes you have to explain why such a behaviour is unacceptable, sometimes a time-out" for bad bahaviour....One has to keep changing tactics.
DeleteI have written so many times about this. The problem is that parents themselves have this illusion of grandeur that they pass them on to their child.
ReplyDeleteI go crazy when I see parents turn a cinema hall into a play area. I feel like taking my shoe off and throw on the parents.
Hahahaha...what about grown-up adult having loud conversations inside movie theaters?
DeleteI am forwarding this post link to whole lot of parents I know. And if they think I am judging them, they are right....I bloody well am. The only problem being, I know this won't dent their enthusiasm. I wish I could just kick them up in the back sides....way easier and effective, me thinks.
ReplyDeletePlease do. It's time someone told them how annoying their brat is!
DeleteThere should be a test(in 5 stages) before you decide to become a parent and then a license would be issued that you will need to get renewed every 5 years.
ReplyDeleteIf you fail the test even once, you will be sterilized.
true..hard hitting and relevant..one more masterpiece..
ReplyDeleteP.S.-- and i am not exaggerating
Hmm, made me think Purba. A good balance in everything in life always works best, I agree.
ReplyDeleteI think if the blaming game starts,grandparents have a greater role,as they still influence their kids(the parents in the case) with how to parent the child!!I am a new mum and recently read a book called How kids think,scientifically speaking to kids the world belongs to them but as they grow up they understnd how to lie,make friends and share!
ReplyDeleteGood one Purba,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the post and reading the comments I feel relieved that there are many more parents like me, who are saying NO and being considered strict parents by children.
Instead of feeling guilty when we say NO, we should always cross check what is good for them, and as long as we are doing right thing as parent no need to feel guilty.