The Law will protect women

My guest blogger,Cacofonix, he with the acerbic tongue, has got a sneak peek of the freshly minted laws formulated by our venerated MPs to protect our second class citizens – women. In a rare act of benevolence and perhaps aided by a peg or two of single malt, he has decided to share it with the readers of A-Musing.


A country, somewhere near Pakistan and Bangladesh, is embarking on ‘sweeping changes in laws’ to protect its female citizens. The political advisor has told the Perpetually Mum (PM) that the phrase ‘sweeping changes in laws’, according to the bureaucrat’s thesaurus, is really the same thing as ‘sweeping (under the carpet) changes in laws proposed by the civil and uncivil Society’. So, the government can never be dragged to the courts on it.

Members of the law-making elected body (otherwise known as Mutual Parasites or MPs) know what is good for civil society. Which the English-speaking, forever protesting, forever tear-gassed, arrogant members of civil society do not realise. But, the MPs, like truly benevolent parents with the welfare of their children uppermost in their cranial chambers, have chosen to ignore all the barbs being thrown at them, throw out all the inane suggestions made to them, and arrive at a set of carefully thought through laws and procedures that will forever uphold the dignity of women. These are the highlights of some key sections of the draft, presently under review by the committee of Minor Sociologists and Gynaecologists, or in short, Misogynists.

Article 101 Clause 6: It shall be made mandatory for men to wear dark sunglasses after sunset. This will make it difficult for their brains to process visual stimuli such as feminine skin around the gluteus maximus or feminine adipose tissue in the upper quarters. Only policemen will be exempt because they have to catch violators and write challans. Besides, they have a tough job and deserve a bit of excitement after dark. The measure will lend a fillip to the sunglass industry, a sunrise sector, generating employment and getting the country’s GDP back on track. The eyewear will be smartly marketed under the brand name Rape Ban and make the perfect gift for women to give their men on their birthdays.

Article 111 Clause 23: MPs or those aspiring to stand for elections will forfeit their ability to purchase a party ticket (aptly termed because what you get after winning an election is pretty much like a party) after their third rape charge or conviction. It is a big country and there are lots of women out there, so once or twice is okay for chaps climbing up the ladder. But three is a no-no. Especially if you had your sunglasses on.

Article 212 Clause 1: A nationwide campaign will be launched to sensitise men towards the modesty of women. Men must respect women. All men who intend to commit an act of rape or two will have to first sign up on the national register to be made available at the website http://www.i-respect-women.co.in and attend 12 weeks of virtual classroom training on rape etiquette. For instance, how to politely ask a woman “madam, may I please have your permission to engage in a unilateral act of coition?”in Haryanvi, Sanskrit, Hindi, Manipuri and other national languages.

Article 222 Clause 1b: A national fund will be maintained through a surcharge of 10% on income tax payers and income tax evaders. This fund will be used to provide every single woman in India with a mobile recording device, a small notebook and a pencil (pens never work in these situations). A woman will receive extensive training from filmmakers such as Pujya Bhatt and Lakshman Balaram Verma on how to film the proceedings herself and take notes while the man is engaged in an act per Art 212 Clause 1 above. A court of law can hear a case only when there is irrefutable evidence – not all this fancy DNA stuff – and a woman victim can really nail it if she exercises calm and records all that she can. While breathing normally, as one would when one’s airplane is about to crash into a mountain.

Article 222 Clause 1a: This clause precedes Clause 1b above and entails equipping women with rakhis. As advocated by a prominent religious leader, addressing the male as ‘bhaiyya’ and tying the thread around his wrist or whatever comes in hand, often does the trick of putting off the act altogether. For years. The tighter it is tied, the better.

Article 101 Clause 2: Police will be provided clear guidelines on how to register a case. For starters, jurisdiction will lie with the thana where the alleged woman victim’s neighbour’s dog last went for a walk. The woman victim must then be rushed to a government-run hospital in an area whose PIN code ends with the two digits of the year the woman was born. No wishy-washy evasion between police stations on where the FIR is not to be lodged.

Article 400: To douse public outcry, the government will make it mandatory for rape trials to be conducted on priority by the judiciary. The Wall Street Journal has reported there are 95,000 pending cases (the government will take steps to prevent such malicious data going out) to which 13,000 cases get added annually. Fast Track Courts will hear a case within 123 working days (that’s two calendar years after adjusting for leaves and tours), following which High Courts will conduct the requisite screening hearings before the file reaches the Supreme Court. With 26 judges there, taking 42 calendar days on each case, you do the math – the entire backlog will get cleared in 420 years! Applause! Even better, with the judiciary engaged entirely on this social cause, all other court cases on political corruption, scams and murders will not even get a peek before the year 2432.

This way, even the (great)14-grandchildren of political leaders will stay safely in power. While (great)14-grandchildren of pesky civil society members would be numbed to eternal silence – and it was all their own doing.

Neat.