How To Be A Pretentious Twit

He is everything that a stereotypical Delhi munda is not. Mostly sober, always sharp and bothering people since he was born, Kartikay now Yahoos in the Garden City. When he's not busy cracking codes, he indulges in Callous Caffeinated Conversations. He's also ambitious and aims to be the most pretentious twit of all. Here's Kartikay sharing expert tips on how to be one, in five easy steps...

Courtesy - Cartoonstock.com

I was running late. It was already ten past five and I had to meet a friend at the coffee shop next to the mall. But first I had to go to the bookshop; otherwise my plan for the busy evening would backfire. I reached in ten minutes and headed straight for the section with coffee table books. I scanned the shelves and found the one on Indian saris in the lower left-hand corner and proceeded to the billing counter.

“That’ll be thirty-two-fifty rupees, sir.”

“What? Really? That’s expensive. I just wanted a book that looks appealing from the sides, especially when stacked in a bookshelf.”

There was a moment of silence between the lady behind the counter and me. After an unusually long time a girl standing at the counter next to us turned to me and said:

“You are such a pretentious twit!”

“Why thank you! Really appreciate that. Meanwhile, could you recommend me a coffee table book ... ?”
 

We, the pretentious, are a rare breed indeed. There are a few of us remaining and most of our clubs have waning membership. Times have changed, and I fondly remember those moments in my tweed jacket discussing Nietzsche sipping on my electronic cigar.

Recognizing some talent in you, Purba ji, I’ve decided to give you a quick rundown for you and your husband to be prepared for the exhaustive interviews to our esteemed clubs.

1. Drink Wine

Nothing does a better job at pretentiousness than wine. Go out to an expensive place with a large bunch of people. Go ahead. Order that wine, especially when everyone else is so freaked out about the menu’s right hand column that they all order beer.

Once you have a glass in your hands, pick it up by the stem, swirl it around in the air once or twice and then sniff it. Make noises. Sniff again and take a light sip. Rinse your entire mouth with that wine just like you do with Listerine mouthwash. Don’t put down the glass. Keep swirling it in the air. Say words like “oxidation” and “palate”. Talk about why the Sula Dindori Reserve disappoints you, especially with the lack of flavour and the missing hint of tanin.
 

End it with a long dialog on why your Sauvignon pairs well with Butter Chicken.

2. Buy a DSLR

The problem with photography is that everyone can claim to be a connoisseur. Clearly that is not the case, and one way to prove that you are above the rest is to buy a DSLR camera. Be careful, however, that you become an expert only after the DSLR enters your house, and not since the time you ordered it online.

Even without the camera in your hand, be sure to include the phrase “rule of thirds” as you speak to others. For example, if you’re splitting a bill amongst three people, be sure to talk about the “rule of thirds.” In your daily speech, sprinkle in words like “kit lens”, “primes” and “chromatic aberration”.

Finally, upload your photos of flowers onto Facebook, or write a blogpost about them.

3. Pose with the DSLR

The drawback with owning a DSLR is that not many people know you own one. So when you’re talking about the “rule of thirds” some people might think you’re a douche instead of a pretentious twit. (We maintain a clear separation from the douches).

Luckily there is an easy fix to this problem. Upload profile pictures like the one below, preferably with clothing:

(For your use: Image URL: http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/320027_274301412580624_2642433_n.jpg)

4. Sport a Fake Accent

Colonialism has left us with a very clear and consistent idea of what pretentiousness is. Across all corners of India, there is no doubt as to who qualifies as a pretentious twit. This definitely works to our advantage, as we don’t have to try very hard in our attempt to ape the West.

The fourth step is to build on a fake accent, preferably American. (Note: most other accents backfire). This step requires practice and constant training. Dedication towards true pretentiousness should be an important motivator for you at this stage.

Do watch some videos to help you in this, like the one below. Work on words like “development”, “partteeyy” and “therttty faaiiivvee”

From my experience, I can tell you that if you can pronounce the “rule of thirds” in a pretentious American accent you have made amazing progress.

5. Run a Marathon

However, one must stride towards perfection, towards a holistic pretentious image. Since we’ve already talked about drinking habits, hobbies and speech, let’s dwell on sports now.
 

Research has shown that, across 186 nations, the most pretentious sport is running a marathon.

Luckily marathon organizers are aware of their pretentious appeal and cater to our segment by introducing “half-marathons” and “quarter-marathons”. Remember, as is with other things in life, the run-up to the event is more important than the event itself.

First, buy expensive running shoes. Did you know that our clubs tied up with a few shoe manufacturers to introduce pretentious running shoes? You can recognize them with wild designs on the outside but absolutely no benefit inside.

Second, start training, but ensure that your training statistics are published on Facebook. You must at least publish duration of exercise, number of calories burnt and kilometers run. If you’re having problems here, don’t worry, contact me and I can ensure these apps publish data without you actually running.

Lastly, go run the marathon. But, please, make sure you (a) get a photograph clicked of you running and (b) publish your official time. Even if you took more than 70 minutes for a half-marathon, it’s still pretentious enough.

You Can Do It
 

Dear readers, I believe that if you follow these simple steps, punch in some more enthusiasm, you can become one of us. It’s a wonderful world being a pretentious twit, full of colour, flavour and excess tannin.
 

I’ll end with a short but pretentious quote from Neitzche:

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

P.S.: It’s always pretentious to include a post-script. Especially when it makes no sense.