My Crystal Ball Predicts...

Courtesy blippitt.com

The road to Baga beach is almost empty. The taxi union after taking the pledge to go green has sold off their taxis and are now giving free piggy back rides. The shops selling genuine fakes have now turned into physiotherapy centres.  The shopkeepers spent a fortune buying their degrees from the neighbouring state.  As I walk towards Tito’s, I notice a huge crowd on the beach.  They have all assembled to hear Anu Jalota sing bhajans.  Jalota looked quite fetching in a bandhni lungi and Doc Martins, his six packs gleaming under the moonlight.  Nearby at Zanzibar, the world- famous- in- Goa shack, they are serving lauki juice.  Since it’s happy hour, one can get two glasses for the price of one.  Hey isn’t that Vijay Mallya glugging a tall one! 

Somewhere in Delhi, inside a well designed by Lutyens & Baker half a century back, Sushma Swaraj is giving an impassioned speech.  With his face resting on his palms, Kapil Sibal is listening to her with rapt attention and admiring her Patola sari.  Just as Ms Swaraj finishes her debate, Manu Singhvi starts applauding wildly shouting bravo-bravo.  Sushma blushes a beetroot red and does a silent adaab.

In Lucknow, Maya is giggling softly as she unwraps her Valentine’s gift from Rahul G.  It’s a cute jumbo with a heart sown on it.  She shyly puts a garland of currency notes around its neck. 

Mamata Di has finally learnt a new word – Yes.  It took 72 back-to-back episodes of Yes Minister to get it into her head.  

MMS – the silent sardar’s weekend soiree was a hit.  The ghazal renditions in his velvety baritone left the audience asking for more.  People afflicted with an acute case of hypermetropia could almost mistake him for Jagjit Singh(may his soul rest in peace).  The TV cameras were quick to capture a man swaying wildly at MMS’s feet.  Only when the gamchha came off, did the audience realize that it was none other than Kiran Bedi.  Kejriwal was thumping his tabla energetically, his shampooed hair bouncing with a life of its own.

Salman Rushdie was spotted cozying up to Tasleema Nasreen on the streets of Nice.  When the paparazzi started following them, Rushdie screamed #Shame at them before disappearing into the dark alleys. 

With Kiran and Kejriwal discovering their love for music and Manmohan, Anna now has to fend for himself with only the Bhushans for company.   The self-proclaimed Gandhian has now adopted a unique form of protest to bring the government to its knees.  He now eats non-stop till Pranab Da comes running to him, begging him to stop.  Shri Hazare will soon be enrolled for Jane Fonda’s aerobics for the elderly.

The National survey has thrown a few surprises with Mumbai emerging as the cleanest city, Delhi the safest and Bangalore with the least traffic.  And now that Chennai is the new fashion capital, all Fashion weeks will be held in Amma’s own country. 

Hollywood hotties, Ryan Gosling and Eve Mendes were spotted wearing monkey caps and Hermes lungis are a worldwide rage.

Finally Bollywood has come up with its first crossover hit – Amar Akbar Anthony(AAA) starring Amir, Sallu and SRK.  Their Mom, the role essayed brilliantly by Bipasha, is a wrestler who goes to Beijing to participate in the Olympics.  Instead of winning any medals, she comes back with triplets.  The movie revolves around these youngsters who must find their Dad, so that they can get him to pay alimony.   AAA are desperate to get her off their back.   In the movie Sallu romances Angelina Jolie’s daughter while SRK and Amir fight over Just a Beiber.  The movie creates history by running to full houses (if you don’t look beyond the last four rows of the movie halls) for 25 consecutive weeks.

And my crystal ball shows Sharad Pawar dancing with gusto on the streets of Vrindavan,  his arms raised towards heaven chanting Hare Krishna~~Hare Rama.  After donating his assets worth 12 crore (and the rest of the zeros he conveniently forgot) for the welfare of Vrindavan widows, he has decided to spend the rest of his life in service of Almighty.  

This is what my made in China, Crystal Ball has predicted. Now all I have to do is start praying sincerely and earn some brownie points from God.  I want to make sure that I live long enough to see these miracles unfold.

             
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