I’d rather be a Bitch!

All through our lives we are confronted with mysteries that play hide and seek with us.  Some reveal themselves in boring Science chapters, while others unravel with age.  

Let’s take flirts.  I was in my early teens when I first heard the word (no, I am not kidding, I was a tad behind my times).  They commanded so much respect that my friends would speak in hushed tones while discussing the exploits of this alluring species.  Not being aware of their mysterious ways, I was intrigued.  I would look at my friends with puppy eyes and implore them to explain what one has to do to earn this elusive title.  They would hem and haw and try to fob me off with vague explanations but nothing was good enough to satiate my curiosity.  I finally got enlightened when someone tried being one with me, but I was too embarrassed to deal with it and far from being deliriously happy at the revelation.    Now, in this information fuelled era even a 12 year old can give a lucid explanation of what flirting means while the elder brother will readily part with helpful tips on sexting. 

But there are certain mysteries that prefer to remain in hiding – Do football matches have a hypnotic effect on men, does cricket induce coma among its spectators, when a baby smiles – is it gas or is it love – and why we prefer calling certain type of women a bitch!  

I actually happen to like dogs.  They don’t sulk, rarely throw tantrums, are fiercely loyal, undemanding and brimming with love.  The female of the species is no different.  Agree it can be quite a pain to keep her suitors off her trail but that’s not really her fault is it?   So when they call a woman a bitch – is it meant to be an affront to the canine species or insult women who have fine tuned meanness into an art? 

I understand it is damn convenient to have an easy to comprehend and easier to spell word that describes a woman whose attributes you are not particularly fond of.   Imagine having to plumb the depths of your vocabulary mine to look for suitable words like puerile, vile, despicable, belligerent...  All her mephitic being can do is spew venom... Her unpleasant demeanour gives me acidity...She is nothing but a malodorous swamp who makes me nauseous....She is like Math - she adds trouble, subtracts pleasure, divides attention and multiplies ignorance...Phew! I spent over ten minutes and a little help from google to coin these deprecating remarks.  On the other hand you have this all encompassing, universally understood phrase that elicits instant sympathy from your audience.  Gawd! She’s such a bitch!  See it took exactly 5 seconds, I didn’t have to stress my gray cells and all of you got the gist.   

In this is the age of intellectual laziness why should I be any different? 

Like any responsible parents, my own extolled the virtues of being a good girl.  In mythologicals – the good always triumphed over evil.  In movies, the baddies got bashed up and stewed in hell while the hero drove into the sunset with the love of his life.  So I had absolutely no reason to question the wisdom of my parents.  But what I saw around me told me otherwise.  I often felt that it was the bitch who was having all the fun.  She could speak her mind, not feel guilty about her evil ways and people generally kept a safe distance from her.  Isn’t it less stressful to be the tormentor rather than the tormented?   Who is less stressed out, the scheming sister in law or the beleaguered bahu!  Joker or Batman? It was Mogambo who got to wear weird costumes and go hahahaha all through the movie while Mr India dealt with a dozen hyper kids and a squeaky Sridevi.

And if we are consoling ourselves with the karma theory and how Mr Divine Justice will ensure that the wicked will land in hell – I beg to digress.  You are dead godammit, so does it really matter where you land up?  And since you have managed to annoy so many people courtesy your scheming ways, your death will be an occasion to celebrate.  Imagine dying a guilt free death – not leaving behind memories that will have your loved ones dissolve into tears?

The dictionary defines bitch as a slang to describe an unreasonably nasty female. 

Ironically in this universe where the good and bad have no clear definitions but merely a matter of perspective, who are we to pass judgement on someone’s character!  If suffering in silence is considered a virtue, I’d rather sin.   I’d rather hurt my friend with the truth instead of agreeing that the fault lies with the world and not her.  Putting up with injustice is not an act of bravado.  Being assertive or unapologetically ambitious is not unfeminine.  Who I sleep with is none of your business!  

If someone is making you unhappy with her evil machinations, it’s because you are letting her get away with it.  Give it back to her instead of cribbing!  If you find her an insufferable opinionated wretch, wear her out with a verbal duel.  Ignoring or shutting yourself out from unpleasantness doesn’t help but aggravates it.  

And if all you can do is snigger behind her back and call her names, how are you being any different! 

Courtesy - cartoonstock.com