In Love With Paris

The child in me still alive and kicking and has been dreaming of Paris Hilton for years.  So imagine my excitement, when I read that Paris Hilton will be coming to Mumbai.  I couldn’t stop myself from getting into paroxysms screaming OMG OMG OMG, till my daughter came to my room and said Maa will you stop it. 

 It was a Saturday night when I crash landed at the Chhatrapati International Airport.  What else can you expect when you travel Air India.  My journey was rather eventful.  First I got stuck in the aircraft’s toilet.  Then the airhostess who reminded me of my Math teacher in school, scolded me for waking her up from her siesta. I guess I was being greedy when I asked for a second helping of Rasmalai and look how God punished me!  He sent me scurrying to the toilet.  By the time I arrived at Mumbai, I had already lost 3 kgs. 

I was weak at my knees not because of reasons diarrheal but at the prospect of finally feasting my eyes on my American Ideal –Paris Hilton. I have a feeling that Paris must have been conceived at Hilton Paris. Why else would anyone name their kid after a city?  Her parents deserve applause for their imagination.  Has anyone ever dared to name their kid Jabalpur Jain, Patna Puri or Brussels Barua?  You require a special IQ for such unfettered creativeness. 

Hilton’s Parisian progeny certainly didn’t let her illustrious parents down.  It was she who singlehandedly spearheaded the use of live accessories.  Who on earth could had thought of a Chihuahua poking out of a purse!   And it was the awesomest idea for anorexic divas.  They could now share their meal of three carrots with their pooch nuzzling right under their underarms.    

courtesy pinkvilla.com

When the super duper Diva – Paris did arrive at the airport, wearing all shades of blue and a bicycle chain on her head.  I fainted right there.  But not before I screamed Parisssssssss, you are so hot.  The dumb ass next to me commented, but the weather at Paris is just perfect!  Men I tell you.  

And some confused souls wanted to check in, when they read Paris Hilton is in Mumbai. What’s wrong with you people!

I read somewhere that Paris Hilton has come to India to peddle her purses.  What can a girl do when her meanie grand dad disinherits her.  A girl has to pay her bills no?  How long can she depend on panting men on the lower side of the evolution, to pay for her extravagances!  But I wonder why she calls her accessories store PHpurse.  Isn’t PH something that shampoos build up?  Why didn’t she settle for her trademarked – That’s Hot! 

And that’s what Paris said when she stepped out....That’s hot but only after she had said I love India 297 times.  Ask me, I counted.  PH is a simple girl, who leads a Simple Life and finds everything that she sees awesome, amazing and wow.   Wow! What an amazing turnout/ Wow! Such a long day/ Just had an amazing press conference.  

Yes, Paris Hilton - singer, socialite, porn educator, businesswoman - is a woman of many talents.  Unfortunately those talents do not include public speaking, or speaking in general.  A woman can’t have it all, can she!  Two tight slaps to all you evil souls who insist that the world would be a much better place if Paris were to seal her lips forever and never speak again. Her vocabulary may be limited but her heart is extra large.  How many of you can give a hundred dollar note to a beggar woman in Mumbai, on a mere whim!  And all that stupid cow could say was Isskaa chhutta milega kya? 

And if PH is so awesomely dumb, why would gossip queen Karan Johar want to have coffee with her?  All that cheapo wanted to talk about was sex!  Has Paris Hilton ever bothered to ask KJo who he has sex with?  

Ms Hilton is a diva in her own right and doesn’t need cheap publicity, she’s already so famous.  Why! she even received two Bollywood offers.  Paris is sooo excited.  She loves Bolly movies you know, especially their chhamak chhallo clothes.  But I doubt whether she will be expected to wear much of them.

And if she really wants to wear saris, bindis and jewelry, she can always say yes to evergreen Dev Anand’s once in a lifetime offer – the chance to play the role of his Mom in his next movie - Main solah baras kaa.  

Paris, please don’t go!   Bollywood with its ham & cheese superstars is just purrfect for you.  You can  keep saying that’s hot…I love you…that’s awesome…all the time and nobody will mind.  If we can put so many talentless actors and actresses on a pedestal and worship them, what’s a Paris Hilton?   Plus you can drink and drive, run over a few pedestrians and shoot toll plaza attendants for fun.  Our jails are so cool that even our political class prefers staying there, with western toilets installed on request.  I think they even give your free toilet paper. 

 And once you open a PHpurse store in Lucknow, their hand bag obsessed Chief Minister will take good care of your bills.   Now where will you find such an incredible country, Paris?