Starry Gyaan

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Twinkle, twinkle little star...how I wonder what you are.  When I was young and naive, I actually used to think they were up above the sky so blue – till I started watching movies.  I then saw them in polka dotted minis and maxis, in buttercup yellow bellbottoms beating up baddies, wearing oversized shades and strumming the guitar. Nothing was impossible for these celluloid stars who came in all shapes and sizes.  These larger than life creatures made us laugh, cry and sometimes even swoon.    

Soon came a time when these heavenly bodies descended from the large screen to our living rooms to peddle shampoos, soaps and coke.  Just for our convenience. See how much they care for us? 

I now get valuable guidance from my favourite stars who guide me through a quagmire of mind boggling variety of cosmetics, electronic appliances, washing powder and what not.   So many handy tips on - how to remain thanda-thanda, cool-cool, how to make it large, how 3G can save the nation.... Thank god for celebrities, I would feel so lost otherwise. 

After hours of watching TV, with annoying movies and sitcoms spoiling the fun, I often get dark circles under my eyes.  But guess what! All I have to do is pick up Dark Circle Corrector now tinted recommended by Priyanka and voila I am shiny and new like Madonna. 

The other day I was intently watching Kareena slathering soap that makes her skin so baby soft. Looking at her I realized I bathe like a village bumpkin.  I never pout or coyly look over my shoulders.  Enriched with tips on how to bathe with what, I tried pointing my toes ballerina style towards the ceiling and fell down with a loud thud.  I made sure that the husband signed all the hospital bills with Linc pen, endorsed by King Khan.  Zindagi judi hai Linc se!

 

When I am at the supermarket I can almost hear Shilpa, Bipasha, Katrina and Aishwarya screaming pick me up please! I will make dandruff vanish from your hair, make your tresses shine like a 40 watt bulb because you are worth it!  At the baniyan counter, I am a nervous wreck – Saif likes Amul Macho but Salman prefers Dollar Club and Hrithik wears only Macroman - damn I will take them all.



When I totter back home with my bag overflowing with stuff I don’t really need, the husband frowns and shakes his head with displeasure  I have perfected the art of placating him.   All I have to do is thrust Vaseline fairness cream at his face and whisper Dahling this will make you look chikna like Shahid.  

Once I even tried to make cold coffee for him  Deepika style – I shook left and I shook right till he came running to me and said will you stop? You are messing the carpet and the walls!  I looked hurt and mumbled – if Deepika can do it, why can’t I? 

But there is one extremely hot star who is constantly ignored by all brands – Indian’s most desired Rakhi Sawant.   I wonder why?  She is gorgeous, her pout extremely 3 D and she is so very entertaining.  And then I read somewhere that she has already bagged a lucrative deal from Ludhiana Corn sellers association (LCSA).  Since Rakhi ji is so corny we could not think of a better star.  

Ever since posters of Rakhi furiously munching on bhuttas were put up, corn sales have touched the sky.

Why just Ludhiana, I suggest posters of Ms Sawant should adorn every nook and cranny of our nation. The sight of her will send the nations’ appetite on an overdrive and then India can finally prove George Bush right. Wasn’t he the one who blamed India for global shortage of food!

The other day while I was jumping down the cliff, chasing trucks and snatching my bottle of Thums Up from that ugly looking crocodile – I was struck with a fabulous idea.  Why just stars, why can’t we have our much loved politicians endorse products as well.

Take Mayawati for instance.  Since the lady has used up all the available dholpur, granite and marble for her many parks and bungalows, she should be approached by stone faced merchants to be their brand ambassador.  Imagine giant hoardings of Behenjee, smiling toothily at you with a block of stone casually slung over her shoulders!  One look at her and Rahul will pee in his pants.  Didi should model for Bata chappals – nothing phancy pleej.  Amma can promote Duckback’s waterproof cloaks and Sushma Swaraj – Shilpa Bindi.  Fevicol can show us how mazboot their adhesive is by sealing Diggy’s mouth. 

I would also like to see our aspiring messiah, Baba Ramdev experimenting with his looks with all new Gillette.  Why should John have all the fun? 

So what do you think – isn’t it time we give our filmstars a well deserved rest?  They have been prancing around in baniyans and shampooing their hair for too long.   I strongly recommend that our netas be made model Politicians.  If we are forced to see their smiling visage on television every day, it is possible that we might just fall in love with them. And who knows there might come a day when we will have their posters on our walls and faint in glee when they come asking for votes! 

Impossible is nothing – Did I hear someone say Yehi hai right choice Baby!