This one stinks

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Revolutions with fancy names and noble intent are sweeping through the word.  Jasmine revolution forced out Presidency in Tunisia and set the impetus for Arab spring - a bloody struggle to overthrow autocratic regimes.  The world as we see, it is poised for a change regardless of unwilling dictators.

India too has been seized with a revolutionary fervour.  Just when we were thinking that fasting is the prerogative of Bollywood starlets and anorexic models, an old man came and shook our age old perceptions.  He also managed to shake the government and had them scurrying like startled rats.

In this battle between David and Goliath we all overlooked a subtle change steadily creeping into our society.  Is it really a revolution or just a passing phase – only time will tell.  But this outpouring of a different kind is raising quite a stink.   For the time being let’s call it the Yellow Revolution. 

If you are still wondering what I’m talking about, let me give you a hint – it makes you wish your nose didn’t exist...adolescent boys love cracking jokes about it...Japan is obsessed with it... Yes, it is none other than your very own poop! 

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Travel to Japan and you will undoubtedly run into any of a number of turd shaped products.  From a golden poop cell phone charm to poop stickers to poop children's toys to poop hats to poop candy. Why they even have poop anime – Unko -San!  Poop is cute in Japan.   And as if this wasn’t weird enough, the Japs will soon be coming up with the all new poop burger!  Before you run off to throw up in your Mum’s favourite fruit bowl, let me assure you it is not the real thing.   A Japanese scientist discovered that Tokyo’s sewage is full of protein, thanks to all the bacteria embedded in its sludge.  Apparently, with the addition of a little soy protein, it tastes like real meat, sort of what you get at your local Dhaba!  And it is plausible that despite your aik thooo reaction, you might be compelled to partake this delicacy in a future where population boom will equal food shortage.  

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Growing up in a country that has a special affinity to droppings from bovine behinds, this shouldn’t be too shocking, right?   We in India are used to a lot of bullshit and take pride in displaying it on busy roads for the benefit of wide-eyed tourists.  How often have you come across an active bovine posterior and not feared for your dear life? I am proud to be part of a nation where men, dog, birds, cows and cats can shit without a care in the world.  Didn’t someone wise say.... At the end of the day, all anyone ever really needs is a safe place to poop. 

But the fact is Japan is a late comer.  It is we who are pioneers in waste-management.  A late Prime Minister threw Coca Cola out of the country and took to drinking his own pee.  Many decades later a famous beverage brand is following his illustrious example and has designed an aerated drink that uncannily looks like Desai’s favourite drink.    Remember, darr ke age jeet hai.....

If Morarjee Bhai preferred pee over tea, our contemporary artistes have gone a step ahead and are moulding sweat, urine, tears and deer faeces into works of art.  Prashant Pandey painstakingly collected his own urine, sweat and tears for nearly nine months and turned it into a shiny, smelly sculpture that visitors at Mumbai’s Gallery, Maskara were tempted to touch – until they were told its origin.  

If the Japanese and the Koreans are content with their juvenile poop fantasies, we in India proudly convert bodily waste into priceless works of art.  

Now do you realize what an evolved nation we are!

Even the celluloid world has woken up to its charms.  It all started with Slumdog Millionare, where the child protagonist took the smelly route to meet his favourite superstar (he jumped in a pool of waste).   We screamed Jai Ho in unison because it was our piggyback ride to the Oscars.  A certain Ms Padukone had the whole nation swaying to Oonche se Oonche bandaa, potty pe baithe nangaa, dum maro dummmm....  Imagine turning the ablutions of the high and mighty into a hit song!

And before we could exclaim Oh Shit in response to these crappy outpourings on silver screen, there comes a baap of a movie-Delhi Belly, whose tagline reads “Shit Happens”.  Not just shit, a lot of shit happens. Imagine a movie whose main protagonist is someone’s loosies!  Diarrhoea was never this fun..... And ever since the movie released, orange juice makers are rubbing their hands in glee.  Now that they’ve got a new marketing idea thanks to Delhi Belly, orange juice will never be the same again.

Recently I read that Australia is planning to kill wild camels because they think their excessive farting is causing global warming.  Shame on you mate!  Had it been India, the dromedaries would have been promptly signed for Dhoom-3.   Now that Uday Chopra has announced his retirement, YRF is desperately looking for an apt replacement.    

And as such India is teeming with people full of gas, so what’s a few extra-flatulent dromedaries!