I Hereby Resolve to.....

Image Courtesy exurbmagazine.com

My first reaction to a suggestion for a list of resolutions was- But I never make them! If I want to work towards a new, improved me, why wait an entire year, why not start now. But it’s the first week of January; the whole world is wracking their brains hard towards their a little more of this and a little less of that list. So why should I be left behind? And I thought hard, really hard and came up with this.



I will act less violently the next time I see a pic of Kareena Kapoor pouting at the camera. Of course the ‘come hither, I’m too hot for my own good’ look is not directed at me, but for her million panting male fans. In reality though, I’ve yet to come across a living being who’s as much in love with Ms Kapoor as the lady herself. This year, the new, patient me will pout back in all my lip glossed glory.

I will finish what I started – City of Djinns that I have been reading for the past two months, Atlas Shrugged- that I should have finished ten years back, In an Antique Land- collecting dust for the last three years. The batch of muffins that I was supposed to bake five years back. I bought the moulds and then conveniently stored them in the darkest corner of my loft. Note to self – find those damn things.

I will stop criticizing our hard working netas and send a personal thank you note to all of them. Thank you for working so sincerely for the benefit of your bank balance and contributing to the growing GDP. May the zeros in your scams rise significantly.

No more forwarding stale Rajnikanth jokes to my friends. Enough of Rajni Saar knows Victoria’s Secret....Can make onions cry....Killed the Dead Sea......Can play the violin with the Piano... Has threatened to delete the Internet if we don’t stop circulating jokes about him. I actually took his threat seriously. Please Saar, anything but the Internet, my life depends on it.

I promise to age backwards. In Woody Allen’s words.... “In my next life, I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement and are generally promiscuous. Then you are ready for high school, you become a kid, play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then spend 9 months floating in a luxurious spa, with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!” Why next life, I want to start right now!

2011 here I come, in all my pouting, earnestly thankful and somewhere near the finish line, avatar. And by the time you finish reading this, I will be in school sporting spiky hair with purple nails, furiously chewing gum and fantasizing about my imaginary vampire boyfriend. Mum, do I really need to take my bath!