The Not-So-Secret Diary of Mallika Sherawat

Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all. Ah, don’t bother mirror, think I will just tweet and ask my million fans. And ha, don’t I know the answer already. I am Mallika, Viagra to men, the hottiest hottie that ever will be. Damn am getting late for my appo with that hot shot Director. One look at my you-know-what and he was floored. I have this effect on men yaa.

Remember my first movie? Who doesn’t. That dude, watssisname, just wouldn’t stop kissing me. Giggle, giggle. Anyways the movie was hot but I was way hotter. All they talked about was my seventeen smooches. Seriously guys, were you actually counting? I wasn’t ;) A “Murder” later Mallika had arrived and how! Of course my non-stop bragging about my non-existent talent and miniscule wardrobe helped. I cooked up a cock and bull story about my small town beginnings. Too bad they found out that I did all of my schooling in Delhi and impressed my lecturers at Miranda House with my intellect. Bunking all classes without getting caught requires intellect naa.

It didn’t take long for Hollywood to discover a bombshell like me. I made my debut in an epic movie like Myth. My role was tailor-made so that the international audience could see more of me. The audience had to sit wide eyed throughout the movie, afraid to blink lest they miss my scintillating appearance. My jaw dropping appearance at the movie’s premier at Cannes had everybody sit up and take notice. And guys I had not forgotten my sari home and arrived in my petticoat and blouse. IT WAS A DESIGNER ENSEMBLE. Go get a fashion sense you morons! This year I stunned the fashion fraternity again at Cannes with my flair for style. I was named among the 13 best-dressed celebs. But does anyone back home care? Only the firangs appreciate a Diva like me. Boo to all you who thought I looked like a character out of a Tim Burton movie with a beehive of a hairstyle. I had a beehive because people call me honey. I make Yanni, the great musical maestro drool. Can you believe it, he dedicated his new composition to me even though his music is all Greek to me? Why just a composition, I have a milkshake named after me - Mallika shakes or is it Mallika shake? Who cares, I am never going to have it.

I am soooo looking forward to my new releases which might never be released. For my own production Hisss, I posed and preened at Cannes with terrified, sedated snakes. If Kate Perry sang I kissed a girl, I liked it I can now sing I kissed a snake, he liked it. Everybody is speculating whether Mallika will shed to make Hisstory. Of course I will yaa, my audience will not be coming to the theatres to see me in a Burqua and expect a Meryl Streep performance. I can only act off-screen and pretend to be a superstar.

Sigh, everybody wants a slice of Mallika. The other day Red Hot Chilli Peppers (the band) called; they want red-hot Mallika as their lucky mascot. Why am I not surprised? James Cameron wants to cast me in his new flick “Pandora ki beti”, as the howcanshenotbesexy snake woman prancing around in the jungles of Pandora. Imagine me draped on a tree in 3 D. Oooh.. super hot. But I have laid down a few conditions. Only my snake buddies (the ones I kissed) will be cast with me in the movie. And no Gujjus in the crew puhleeez - every time they have tea they insist on having snakes!! Apparently they have snakes EVERYDAY!! Eww....

Oh dear it’s time to switch on the mixie. Sigh, even Mallika needs to wash her clothes.

Inspiration-Rahul Sharma