How to lose weight...in eight easy steps

1. Crib, whine and complain to anyone and everyone even remotely willing to listen. How can she be so slim, she hogs all the time. Why don’t I fit into my skinnies anymore? I hate my genes, I hate my jeans...Do it loudly and try to pack in as many expressions as possible. Helps you shed fat from your cheeks. If after a few days, your friends start running in the opposite direction the moment they spot you, catch up with them, you could even try out-running them. Don’t forget to turn around to catch their puzzled expression. Do it at least 5 times a week.

2. Stand outside the bakery shop and drool. You know you can’t have that sinful tiramisu or that absolutely divine dark chocolate orange cake, but can definitely salivate. Inhale deeply and to make it more effective you could try a few reps of “kapal-bhati”. Your quivering stomach might attract curious stares, pay no heed to them.

3. Be more active and make it fun. Hide the remote from your family members. If they try and snatch it from you, run around the dining table. Ten rounds should be sufficient. Take the stairs, but do it with a difference. Two steps up, three steps down-time consuming but very-very effective. In office no more e mailing instructions & memos, insist on hand delivering them. Will help you bond better with your colleagues and you also get to hear instant reactions.



4. If you travel a lot and hardly find time to exercise don’t let that deter you from your fitness plans. Exercising mid air can be such fun. Insist on walking up and down the aisle especially when the plane is about to take off. Inclined surface walking helps you shed more calories. Ignore the frantic pleas of the airhostess. You could also play the good Samaritan and earn some brownie points. Offer to take out baggage for all passengers from the overhead locker, will help you build your biceps/triceps. A back pain is but a petty sacrifice for bulging muscles.

5. Do not turn down lunch/dinner invites from friends and relatives. Agreed they insist on plying you with food especially when they come to know you are on a diet. A melodramatic nahiiiin (bollywood ishtyle) should do the trick. If the friend/relative happens to be a particularly irritating specimen, try “kutte, kameene, main tera..............” It always works and rest assured you will never be offered a second helping the rest of your life.

6. If you are a party animal, good for you. The moment the DJ starts playing the tracks, hit the dance floor with a vengeance. Hop, jump, skip, throw up your arms, twist-turn, jiggle-wiggle, turn round and round. Nobody will dare come near you and you might just get the whole dance floor to yourself. Dancing to bhangra beats is preferred.

7. A diet of fruits and vegetables is ideal for losing weight. But don’t be a lazy bum and take an easy route to your neighbourhood vendor. Scout for farms that grow vegetables and have them fresh off the field. Climb up trees to pluck fruits. If an irate farmer tries to chase you with a stick, you get an added bonanza of intense cardio. Once a week should do the trick.

8. Hang out with all your fat friends. If you have lost touch with them, hunt for them, reconnect with them. Serenade them with chocolates and ice cream cakes. Treat them to butter chicken and dal-makhani (you can have the roasted pappad and raita). They will not mind a few extra inches on their already rotund frame. You will feel slimmer and better about yourself in their company. And who knows you might just be dispensing this newly acquired gyaan to them.

Disclaimer: This post is not to be confused with “How to lose friends and alienate people...in eight easy steps”.