The Secret Diary of Hairam Ramesh

Picture courtesy Outlook Magazine

I love Chinese, always have since I was a young boy. Claypot Chicken, sesame vegetable stir fry, sticky rice....yummy yummy yummy. Also love “made in China” goodies. There’s an element of surprise attached to all things Chinese. It works! -is always your first reaction. So what wrong did I do in Beijing? I just said what I have been saying all these years, the only difference, a lot of people heard it. Chiddi and his bunch of boys suffer from a deep paranoia, wonder why? Just when I send BFF cards to my new found Chinese buddies from Copenhagen, the government goes ahead and spoils the party with its needlessly restrictive, alarmist approach. Grow up boys, your suspicious attitude is spoiling my specially created bonhomie with our neighbours.

Far from encouraging my friendly spirit, I get a rap on my knuckles AGAIN. I am no stranger to getting rapped. I had a simple dream of getting rid of worms, not from me silly, from brinjals. And look what they did? They accused me of being a Monsanto agent! I will not listen to you, you- badly- in- need- of- genetic- modification nincompoops!



Nobody listens to me anymore. I block environmentally hazardous projects, am summoned by holy cow and asked to shut up. Am ashamed to admit, but I scribbled, “I hate Kamalnath” all over my writing pad. It felt good. It also felt good to take off that awfully stuffy convocation cloak. I hate black, imagine in that heat, my long flowy hair and on top of that the sack like thing. All I did was disrobe myself.....Nobody understands me anymore.

Agreed I get a tad overemotional especially when I am in China. If they can do it, why can’t we? Was I in the wrong when I said, we will match you in emissions cuts? Granted I should have done a bit of homework (was never good at it), but doesn’t mean you haul me up. I run from pillar to post lobbying for the Nobel Prize and I get accused of suffering from foot in mouth syndrome. Funny, I thought only Baba Ramdev could do it. I just said, “if there’s a Nobel Prize for dirt and filth, India will win it”. I was sent a stinker.

I feel too full now, I have been made to eat to many of my words. Main chup rahoongee or is it rahoongaa. Damn Hindi, I can never get the gender right.

I think I will stick to exchanging tweet nothings with you know who, Tharoor. Just got a message from him, it says, welcome to the club. Wonder what he meant by that.